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Anger Management Message Board


Anger Management Board Index


part 2 of 2 :angel:

At work, when you commit yourself to task, do you tend to over extend yourself? Are you able to say no when appropriate?

If you changed jobs and had similar stresses at the new job, how would you handle the situation differently?


[B]You are right I probably should not yell and scream but it seems like unless I am very dramatic and loud no one listens to me. I feel as though I have to cause a scene otherwise I just get walked on. [/B]

Before you said, "I have expressed this to no end until I am blue in the face but he just doesn't listen..."

When you scream, dramatic, cause a scene, are you verbally more specific with detail, more descriptive to convey your thoughts & feelings?

When you talk until you are blue in the face and think you are being ignored, is there a chance you were not understood? What gives you that impression?

What exactly is different in the two exchanges? When you say he does not listen, how do you know he isn't? Is this expression of anger a knee jerk reaction that makes you feel better? If so why?

In other words, does yelling make you feel more understood? If so how? If so, why? How does volume and drama convey your thoughts or improve their understanding any better then normal two way conversation? You may need to vent more then you need understanding conversation or perhaps you become upset because you are forced to discuss how you feel and your thoughts, something you are not comfortable doing? Mad at yourself maybe?

If you talk and don't think you are being understood, you need to reiterate, clarify and be patient with them. If you become easily agitated and frustrated because you are unable to express yourself, is it their fault? You can't blame them for what you can't do yourself can you? If you want him to listen to you, know what it is you want to say. If you don't it may be pent up stress more then anything else. If that's not it then it's not about understanding, but more about venting that makes you "feel" better, because anger never makes the situation (not how you feel) better does it? Screaming at others is not justifiable. It's a verbal assault and not fair to others. If you are angry about work you must have self control and not take it out on them, deal with it.

Expressing anger = lack of self control.
Anger has no value or power. It is not a tool for effective communication. Venting properly is done so by governing stress rather then it governing you. Take it out on the punching bag, yell at a wrestling match, have a good cry do what you need to to get rid of it. You have to, everyone experiences stress, how they cope is another story.

When screaming, what exactly is expressed differently, other then volume and anger then when you calmly talk or do you? Is anything really different at all? Or is it that you got it off your chest and feel better? It is perception. Are you any more specific verbally when yelling? Are you forcing your feelings? If so, could that be why your upset because your forced to talk about it? Could you be giving anger more credit then it's due?

[B]
I am normally a very mello person almost too mello sometimes so maybe they don't realize how upset I am at times. [/B]

Still waters run deep. If you exude a calm facade while on the inside have a lot on your mind, you are not being true to yourself or your husband. How is he to know what you are thinking if you don't tell him? Being upset is not the problem, it's how you communicate [I]it[/I] that is. They are not mind readers. If you come home from work and he asks, how was your day and you respond by saying same old same old and that was the end of it, that conveys very little. If you told him, Jane doe dumped a lot on me today, john doe fired willy and the account rep snipped at you, a coworker was out sick, and that it made you feel xyz (this and that) that's offering more for him to take in and digest to know what you are going through day to day. Don't water it down. Avoiding that can have the rebound affect. Can you open up and make yourself more vulnerable? Do you have a hard time trusting him?

[B]
I know last week my younger step daughter who is 12 said to me that she has never seen me get mad. Well that is not true for one thing but apparently that is her impression of me.

Anger is not something you want to befriend, understand yes, embrace no. It's good the 12 year old does not see you get angry.
[B]
I tend to hold my anger in and go in the other room but I just end up internalizing the anger and if this happens enough times then it gets all bottled up and we know what happens then. [/B] It's good that you control your anger. It's not good if you can't see a situation with perspective without getting personally involved.

You seem to have an understanding. You should hold your anger in and go to another room and cool off. That does not make what triggered you go away. It needs to be revisited on your own in self reflection, to really look in the mirror and ask yourself[I] what[/I] specifically got to you, [I]why[/I] it got to you, and how you can change perception, the thought process that gets you upset...

You followed that with thoughts he should know how upset you are with work and should not dump her on you. What was the true source of your upset? Was it that you were angry with him, angry with the thought of spending time with someone you don't like or angry about having to go to a job you hate? Angry at the world? I think a lot is tied into the stress of the job but the main problem is that you need to vent what you are not identifying. You don't have to see stress to know you carry it around. A way to get rid of daily stress is to do just that and offload it so you can better function. Accept imperfection. You don't have to be perfect, just forgiving of yourself and others and learn to accept and keep at it. It's not something easy to do and takes work. That third eye if you will. It's keeping the mirror up and things in check and balance.

Knowing and believing are different. Knowing is in the mind, thinking is thought, believing comes from the heart. What you are putting out there is not just what you see but what others see. You need to be fully aware of what comes out, like clothing, the spirit has dress. How are you "dressed". It may be a revelation. Were you raised and encouraged to not express yourself or feelings or were you encouraged to be yourself and bold? Did you have choices and make decisions for yourself or did others? Do you consider yourself a bully? Have others?

If you talk yourself into a state of powerlessness, into the mindset you lack control over your life,[I] it[/I] will continue to perpetuate feelings of victimization and will dominate you and your life. In a sense your life is not your own if you let these thoughts dominate you, you are right and that's part of the struggle but it's not because of others.

That could translate to the frustration of wanting life to be different then it is. You need to learn to be more accepting and believe the only thing you can do is change how you see things. With that comes great peace. You can give every scenario of how bad things are but it will never justify your loss of self management and control. You control how you are to others, they don't control you-that's one thing you need to self talk. , but not having control over a situation or persons actions (in what they say, do etc) rather then themselves. Not dealing with thoughts or feelings beyond that is a problem. It's good that you walk away but you still need to deal with it after

[B] Sometimes it's anger that comes out but lately I just end up with an I give up feeling and get all depressed and go to bed to get away. It's not a good way of handling things but I have tried to face things for a long time now and I am just getting plain worn down.[/QUOTE][/B]

When that feeling of giving up comes in, thatís a direct internal request to vent. Donít oblige that feeling to give up but rather delve into what is wrong and know it. You can face things all you want but facing it wonít change it. Whatís in your heart has to be in line with your head. If you are not being true to yourself and get to the real issues (dig deep) it will continue. Why such animosity? Dig deeply, even if it is painful. Cry....
Twiddling thumbs sounds like an adult "time out", which may not be a bad idea for you to do. I did not witness how you handled it, but your tone does say something about how you deal with confrontation. Do you agree you are angry? Are you looking to change that or just to vent? Do you feel justified when you yell? This is about your anger and how you deal with it. I don't know how often or how bad it gets, but you have said you yell all the time and are not listened to. I have read your posts but don't approve of angry outbursts for the receivers sake because itís a verbal assault. Some are that way and it happens but if you do it a lot and justify it, nothing will change for you. People that constantly yell, get angry a lot, vent at whoever is in their path, make venting more important then anything else. Were you hit as a child, a bully?

Does yelling or screaming work? If it did, you would not be posting about it. It's disruptive. You will lose respect if your gut reaction is to yell and scream at people. You will be labled a hot head, someone who canít be spoken to because they are angry and not level headed. Or maybe that is not the case at all.

Could you have gotten between them and separated them? If you are the authority, babysitter what have you, and they are left in your charge, if they don't like your caregiving methods, tell them to hire someone else or get your husband to shake a tail feather and do it himself, that you will not function that way. Go on strike. If enoughs - enough, put your foot down and make them deal with it. It's his visitation. If you are this angry, maybe you should consider separation? If things are that bad, canít be changed, miserable, horrible, and driving you mad, could you start a new life? Have you considered it? Is this man worth it?

You seem aggitated. It is difficult reaching angry people, because they believe they are justified. If thatís the case, what I say will not be heard in the way itís intended.

If you are sarcastic, what response do you expect? If you want to be taken seriously, and not get ignored, see if you are being sarcastic or hostile because if you are, you can't be that way and expect someone to take the abuse because that is what it is. If you are not mean in your own mind and have angry outbursts that can be construed as being mean, it isn't warm and fuzzy.

Might does not make right. Is a 10 year old child to be seen and not heard? I will assume they were verbally arguing BEFORE it escalated to a physical altercation. Are you old school? Could it have been addressed before it got physical? Did you passively let them argue without sitting them down and talking it out? I knew people who yelled, screamed, hit first, had a temper treated children and women like objects and second class citizens rather then human beings. Did not know how to talk, they did not have the right to a thought or feeling of their own. If you have angry outbursts, itís not the way to be. I donít care how justified you may be but anger, violence hostility will never solve problems. It creates them and makes existing problems worse.

I for one will always be a child advocate because they don't have the voice adults do. While kids can be unruly, undisciplined, challenge authority, a royal pain in the butt, they are after all kids. While, kids will be kids it's the adults job to govern & discipline. Screaming is neither. Itís venting, thatís all.

If your husband does not want you to discipline, does not give you authority over the kids while they are in your care, I would tell him to find someone else to do it because that is not how you operate. Maybe a parenting skills course could help you.

If he does not back up your methods, perhaps a sit down to find out what methods are okay. As I said, yelling is not a method itís venting. Could you both agree what specific disciplinarian actions would be appropriate? It would be unfair and not reasonable of him to expect you to be accountable for them with no measure of discipline for when they act up. If he expects that, he can hire an adult babysitting service to come in and do it. If he expects you to be a doormat, give him something else to think about for certain.

I understand you were not about to let a 10 yr. old get the best of you, your the boss. However, if you did not intervene if and when their altercation was first verbal, it may have been a missed opportunity to break it up before it got physical. Or maybe I am so far off, itís not even funny. Okay, you yelled at them once, yell at your husband a lot and hold this all in. Anyway, anger and yelling wonít ever be the answer or fix anything thatís wrong, but stick to your guns, they are for shooting.





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