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Anger Management Message Board


Anger Management Board Index


part 2 of 2 :angel:

At work, when you commit yourself to task, do you tend to over extend yourself? Are you able to say no when appropriate?

If you changed jobs and had similar stresses at the new job, how would you handle the situation differently?


[B]You are right I probably should not yell and scream but it seems like unless I am very dramatic and loud no one listens to me. I feel as though I have to cause a scene otherwise I just get walked on. [/B]

Before you said, "I have expressed this to no end until I am blue in the face but he just doesn't listen..."

When you scream, dramatic, cause a scene, are you verbally more specific with detail, more descriptive to convey your thoughts & feelings?

When you talk until you are blue in the face and think you are being ignored, is there a chance you were not understood? What gives you that impression?

What exactly is different in the two exchanges? When you say he does not listen, how do you know he isn't? Is this expression of anger a knee jerk reaction that makes you feel better? If so why?

In other words, does yelling make you feel more understood? If so how? If so, why? How does volume and drama convey your thoughts or improve their understanding any better then normal two way conversation? You may need to vent more then you need understanding conversation or perhaps you become upset because you are forced to discuss how you feel and your thoughts, something you are not comfortable doing? Mad at yourself maybe?

If you talk and don't think you are being understood, you need to reiterate, clarify and be patient with them. If you become easily agitated and frustrated because you are unable to express yourself, is it their fault? You can't blame them for what you can't do yourself can you? If you want him to listen to you, know what it is you want to say. If you don't it may be pent up stress more then anything else. If that's not it then it's not about understanding, but more about venting that makes you "feel" better, because anger never makes the situation (not how you feel) better does it? Screaming at others is not justifiable. It's a verbal assault and not fair to others. If you are angry about work you must have self control and not take it out on them, deal with it.

Expressing anger = lack of self control.
Anger has no value or power. It is not a tool for effective communication. Venting properly is done so by governing stress rather then it governing you. Take it out on the punching bag, yell at a wrestling match, have a good cry do what you need to to get rid of it. You have to, everyone experiences stress, how they cope is another story.

When screaming, what exactly is expressed differently, other then volume and anger then when you calmly talk or do you? Is anything really different at all? Or is it that you got it off your chest and feel better? It is perception. Are you any more specific verbally when yelling? Are you forcing your feelings? If so, could that be why your upset because your forced to talk about it? Could you be giving anger more credit then it's due?

[B]
I am normally a very mello person almost too mello sometimes so maybe they don't realize how upset I am at times. [/B]

Still waters run deep. If you exude a calm facade while on the inside have a lot on your mind, you are not being true to yourself or your husband. How is he to know what you are thinking if you don't tell him? Being upset is not the problem, it's how you communicate [I]it[/I] that is. They are not mind readers. If you come home from work and he asks, how was your day and you respond by saying same old same old and that was the end of it, that conveys very little. If you told him, Jane doe dumped a lot on me today, john doe fired willy and the account rep snipped at you, a coworker was out sick, and that it made you feel xyz (this and that) that's offering more for him to take in and digest to know what you are going through day to day. Don't water it down. Avoiding that can have the rebound affect. Can you open up and make yourself more vulnerable? Do you have a hard time trusting him?

[B]
I know last week my younger step daughter who is 12 said to me that she has never seen me get mad. Well that is not true for one thing but apparently that is her impression of me.

Anger is not something you want to befriend, understand yes, embrace no. It's good the 12 year old does not see you get angry.
[B]
I tend to hold my anger in and go in the other room but I just end up internalizing the anger and if this happens enough times then it gets all bottled up and we know what happens then. [/B] It's good that you control your anger. It's not good if you can't see a situation with perspective without getting personally involved.

You seem to have an understanding. You should hold your anger in and go to another room and cool off. That does not make what triggered you go away. It needs to be revisited on your own in self reflection, to really look in the mirror and ask yourself[I] what[/I] specifically got to you, [I]why[/I] it got to you, and how you can change perception, the thought process that gets you upset...

You followed that with thoughts he should know how upset you are with work and should not dump her on you. What was the true source of your upset? Was it that you were angry with him, angry with the thought of spending time with someone you don't like or angry about having to go to a job you hate? Angry at the world? I think a lot is tied into the stress of the job but the main problem is that you need to vent what you are not identifying. You don't have to see stress to know you carry it around. A way to get rid of daily stress is to do just that and offload it so you can better function. Accept imperfection. You don't have to be perfect, just forgiving of yourself and others and learn to accept and keep at it. It's not something easy to do and takes work. That third eye if you will. It's keeping the mirror up and things in check and balance.

Knowing and believing are different. Knowing is in the mind, thinking is thought, believing comes from the heart. What you are putting out there is not just what you see but what others see. You need to be fully aware of what comes out, like clothing, the spirit has dress. How are you "dressed". It may be a revelation. Were you raised and encouraged to not express yourself or feelings or were you encouraged to be yourself and bold? Did you have choices and make decisions for yourself or did others? Do you consider yourself a bully? Have others?

If you talk yourself into a state of powerlessness, into the mindset you lack control over your life,[I] it[/I] will continue to perpetuate feelings of victimization and will dominate you and your life. In a sense your life is not your own if you let these thoughts dominate you, you are right and that's part of the struggle but it's not because of others.

That could translate to the frustration of wanting life to be different then it is. You need to learn to be more accepting and believe the only thing you can do is change how you see things. With that comes great peace. You can give every scenario of how bad things are but it will never justify your loss of self management and control. You control how you are to others, they don't control you-that's one thing you need to self talk. , but not having control over a situation or persons actions (in what they say, do etc) rather then themselves. Not dealing with thoughts or feelings beyond that is a problem. It's good that you walk away but you still need to deal with it after

[B] Sometimes it's anger that comes out but lately I just end up with an I give up feeling and get all depressed and go to bed to get away. It's not a good way of handling things but I have tried to face things for a long time now and I am just getting plain worn down.[/QUOTE][/B]

When that feeling of giving up comes in, thatís a direct internal request to vent. Donít oblige that feeling to give up but rather delve into what is wrong and know it. You can face things all you want but facing it wonít change it. Whatís in your heart has to be in line with your head. If you are not being true to yourself and get to the real issues (dig deep) it will continue. Why such animosity? Dig deeply, even if it is painful. Cry....





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