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Anger at work
Apr 20, 2004
I've been at the same job for almost 15 years. Its a good job - benefits and pay are pretty good. Over the years, my anger/depression has given me a "reputation" for lack of a better word. I have only about 2 or 3 coworkers with whom I can sit and chat - not going to lunch or anything beyond that.

After about 10 years there, I ended up with major depression (I'm not blaming it on the job), went through lengthy therapy. I finally understood what was going on within me. However, I've broken so many potential "friendships" over the years. Its not that I want to be close friends with anyone - acquaintances are enough - at least someone to talk to.

Two people, both guys and relatively new to the organization, overheard me say something in a "moment" of anger - and repeated it to the person to whom it was about. (The only reason to repeat what I had said has to be to cause trouble for me - otherwise they could have said something to me and warned me about what they overheard. They both know that I am always having problems with the person about whom I was complaining.) One of my coworkers told me to be careful about what I say (this coworker and I kind of look out for each other as far as office politics go - and he knows who heard and repeated what). Of course, this does nothing for my "reputation". :rolleyes:

Lately, I feel as if I'm being paranoid. I almost wonder if every one of the new people has been told something about me. So, why would they believe what they might have been told about me by a spiteful (backstabber) coworker? (We do have one of "those" as does every office - and she is my BIGGEST problem at work.)

I wonder about the new coworkers. Its always been hard for me to make friends/acquaintances. Most of these new people are much younger than me and I feel as if I have nothing in common with them - and don't know where to start by chatting with them. I almost feel as if they're giving me the cold shoulder as a result of what someone may have said about me.

I understand my faults and my depression/anger. However, I am not willing to talk about it at work with anyone (other than my boss who has recently discussed it with me). I do not want to be part of the gossip going around the office. Also, I tend to be a private kind of person and that kind of stuff is best kept at home in my personal opinion.

I know I need to bring this up with my therapist - and I may even print this out and bring it to him. But, has anyone else been in my situation? If so, what did you do to make things better? Any suggestions even if you haven't been in this kind of "mess"?
Re: Anger at work
Apr 21, 2004
My survival quote for working in a job situation similiar to yours is: "I can work with the devil." Most of all, this poem keeps me on track:
People
People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centred;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and GOD.

It was never between you and them anyway.

Mother Theresa



[QUOTE=corvina]I've been at the same job for almost 15 years. Its a good job - benefits and pay are pretty good. Over the years, my anger/depression has given me a "reputation" for lack of a better word. I have only about 2 or 3 coworkers with whom I can sit and chat - not going to lunch or anything beyond that.

After about 10 years there, I ended up with major depression (I'm not blaming it on the job), went through lengthy therapy. I finally understood what was going on within me. However, I've broken so many potential "friendships" over the years. Its not that I want to be close friends with anyone - acquaintances are enough - at least someone to talk to.

Two people, both guys and relatively new to the organization, overheard me say something in a "moment" of anger - and repeated it to the person to whom it was about. (The only reason to repeat what I had said has to be to cause trouble for me - otherwise they could have said something to me and warned me about what they overheard. They both know that I am always having problems with the person about whom I was complaining.) One of my coworkers told me to be careful about what I say (this coworker and I kind of look out for each other as far as office politics go - and he knows who heard and repeated what). Of course, this does nothing for my "reputation". :rolleyes:

Lately, I feel as if I'm being paranoid. I almost wonder if every one of the new people has been told something about me. So, why would they believe what they might have been told about me by a spiteful (backstabber) coworker? (We do have one of "those" as does every office - and she is my BIGGEST problem at work.)

I wonder about the new coworkers. Its always been hard for me to make friends/acquaintances. Most of these new people are much younger than me and I feel as if I have nothing in common with them - and don't know where to start by chatting with them. I almost feel as if they're giving me the cold shoulder as a result of what someone may have said about me.

I understand my faults and my depression/anger. However, I am not willing to talk about it at work with anyone (other than my boss who has recently discussed it with me). I do not want to be part of the gossip going around the office. Also, I tend to be a private kind of person and that kind of stuff is best kept at home in my personal opinion.

I know I need to bring this up with my therapist - and I may even print this out and bring it to him. But, has anyone else been in my situation? If so, what did you do to make things better? Any suggestions even if you haven't been in this kind of "mess"?[/QUOTE]
Re: Anger at work
Apr 22, 2004
corvina, I had been complaining about my office situation for a long time so wanted to share that I am dealing with it a BIT better now. Not exactly the same situation as you but similar -- feeling that certain people were talking about me behind my back and, as a result, I was deliberately left out of all and any interpersonal relationships -- to the point where people didn't even say "hi" to me.

You wrote:
"However, I am not willing to talk about it at work with anyone (other than my boss who has recently discussed it with me). I do not want to be part of the gossip going around the office. Also, I tend to be a private kind of person and that kind of stuff is best kept at home in my personal opinion."

I have to agree with you on this one. I have not even told my boss yet about my depression/anxiety/anger problems, as it has not yet interfered with my work (I'll be here 4 years this May).

What I had to do was AGGRESSIVELY pursue people and interests outside of the office. (I emphasize aggressively because I am the type to try something once and if I fail, give up--you can't give up on this stuff 'cause it's for your own happiness.) Also, out of about 30 office mates, a couple are completely great and trustworthy -- so I talk to them.

Please let us know what has happened since you posted . . .
Re: Anger at work
Apr 27, 2004
I'm really not sure what to think or do anymore. My officemate and I have decided that we're just going to have to "clam up". With the guy in the next office listening and repeating things, heavens knows what kind of damage he can do - even if something is taken out of context.

I had a midway progress report with my boss today. He mentioned that he was aware of the comments I had made, that had been overheard and repeated. My boss told me if he hears about it happening again, he will write it up formally. Right now, its just a verbal warning.

So, what else can I do besides "clam up" as my officemate and I have decided to do? We're afraid that no matter what we say, only parts of it may be heard and taken out of context, or something insignificant may be heard and blown out of proportion.

Its very sad that things here can change so quickly - and by just one person repeating something (although it did take more than one for it to get all the way back to the boss). Our work environment has changed and its not for the better.
Re: Anger at work
Apr 27, 2004
[corvina]...[B]I'm really not sure what to think or do anymore. My officemate and I have decided that we're just going to have to "clam up". With the guy in the next office listening and repeating things, heavens knows what kind of damage he can do - even if something is taken out of context....
[/B]

Keep it professional. Stop any and all critical, destructive conversation and keep busy. You are the one doing the talking, and that paves the way for exactly what is happening. Stop the behavior you rec'd repremand for, just do it. Don't blame the other people for the verbal repremand you rec'd because it was you who did the talking that was overheard by several. What you said was so offensive to others, they reported it. This guy has his office next to where you are "overheard", should he move so he does not have to hear the way you talk? He has to work there too and maybe you need to be more considerate of others. If you were trying to get your work done, and he started woman bashing, would you be offended? Just sit there and take it? If he did that chronically, what would you do? If how you speak is chronic, what choice do you leave others? Do yourself and everyone else a favor and stop it. Get help. If your frustrated, find another outlet. If you talk loud enough to be overheard, it's not there job to put ear plugs in so they don't hear you. If you want to vent, do it after hours and in a therapy session. Get help. Tell the doctor that you are not sure if it's the depression but that you need help to cope. If that's not it, still need to deal with the feelings you have and not at work. Please get help for yourself, into a group.

[B]
...I had a midway progress report with my boss today. He mentioned that he was aware of the comments I had made, that had been overheard and repeated. My boss told me if he hears about it happening again, he will write it up formally. Right now, its just a verbal warning....
[/B]

You are lucky. Listen and don't let it happen again-don't vent at work. Nothin good to say, don't say anything.

[B]
...So, what else can I do besides "clam up" as my officemate and I have decided to do? We're afraid that no matter what we say, only parts of it may be heard and taken out of context, or something insignificant may be heard and blown out of proportion...[/B]

That's a place to start. You were reported, not your officemate. Just because you think something you say is insignificant, does not mean others will feel the same way. You are offending people, stop blaming others for what you are causing. It's your responsibility to control what you say in considering others who have to work in close proximity to you. It's not about you, it's about others.

Does vulgarity offend you? If not, does that mean everyone else around you should not be offended and be subjected to it? If someone blows smoke in your face, cuts you off, talks about you in an unkind way, would that offend you? If you are offended or po'd about something does that give you the right to upset the working conditions of coworkers? The point is, you may not think what you say is damaging or offensive in part, or in whole but other people do. The point is not that people are evesdropping but that you are offending them by what you say. If you defend or excuse this type of talk you are not learning from the verbal repremand...

[B]
...Its very sad that things here can change so quickly - and by just one person repeating something (although it did take more than one for it to get all the way back to the boss). Our work environment has changed and its not for the better...[/B]

Is it sad that people stick up for themselves? Is it sad they don't want to hear "talk" while they are trying to do there work in a healthy work environment? Keep in mind if you have been talking this way for some time, people are most likely fed up with it and don't want to be subjected to it any longer. Can you blame them for not wanting to hear it? Work is not the right setting or place to hash out what irks you. Help yourself and not by default. What is happening is hurting you, self destructive and it's not because of another, it's what you are doing to yourself. What is upsetting you so that this has happened? I hope things work out for you and your coworkers.





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