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Anger Management Message Board


Anger Management Board Index


I've been dating my BF for about 6 months. We're both middle-aged. He is very intelligent, responsible, ethical, family-oriented, loves and cares about me, is generous and treats me well. He's a very reasonable person, someone with whom i feel i can talk to, but i don't know how to deal with his anger issues.

Every once in a while, something will happen to make him lose his patience and he is suddenly VERY angry, yelling loudly, swearing and using foul language, sometimes banging doors. This has never been directed at me, but I just don't know how to cope with it and i'm afraid of what would happen if it were directed at me. I've tried getting angry back at him, telling him to calm down, etc., I've tried being loving and gentle, I've tried just leaving the premises cus i don't like being around him when he gets this way. It scares me.

I've talked to him about it a few times, asking what i should do that would help him calm down, and he really didn't have an answer for me. He said it was more "show" than anything else, that he wasn't really that angry, but it sure looks like it to me.

Although he appears very calm/mellow on the surface, I think he is actually a closet Type A person, someone who gets uptight/stressed about work and things like that fairly easily. He seems to keep his emotions to himself until he explodes.

The kinds of things that set him off are bad drivers, like someone who cuts him off on the road, or not understanding directions when trying to put something together and getting exasperated, or getting a work-related call on the weekend unnecessarily.

Here are my specific questions:
1. What's the best way for me to react to settle him down when this happens?
2. Where is the anger coming from? Is it something he grew up doing? Something unresolved from childhood, previous relationships?
3. Does anyone know how anger management therapy works, and what kinds of techniques are used? Any meds that work?

Really appreciate your insight. I love this man very much. He is not an abuser or a loser. He has a lot to offer and i would like to spend my life with him but this is an area that needs some work.
:wave: Hi Dawn,

Read my post several threads below on Anger, control and domestic violence. I recommend a good book on this subject.

Also, look under the relationship boards for my thread on 'Just how much attention is enough". See if you identify with anything I've written or other people have written there.

Even though you 'feel' it might not be directed at you, I'm telling you from experience, his angry behavior is a clear warning sign....one that you should pay close attention to. If you'd like, I'd be happy to give you more insight after you read suggested posts.

In answer to your questions, listen to your gut feeling. If you feel uncomfortable or scared, leave. Even if it's just for a few hours. If you stick around during his outbursts, it will send him a message that it's acceptable to you. And, it will also teach you to become more comfortable with his behavior to the point where it is possible you will talk yourself into believing that "it's not that bad....he hasn't hit or thrown anything at me"....NOT YET anyway!!!

Where does his anger come from? Could be anything. It could be a chemical imbalance, substance abuse, the way he was taught growing up. The possibilites are endless.

I've been told by a domestic violence group that I go to that 'anger management' is not good because, in their opinion, it teaches the individual how to better cover up his anger....not get to the root of it. For known abusers, a batterers group is advised. But, because we don't know the full extent of his problems yet, it wouldn't be fair to say that's what he needs.

I hope I'm not upsetting you, but I happen to feel very strongly about this subject as I am a domestic violence survivor. If I can help at least one person not to go through what I have,jthen there was a good reason for what I endured. I do hope your situation is different than mine. Maybe it is....but, maybe it isn't!!!

Please keep in touch!


Gianna





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