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Anger Management Message Board

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I am in a horrific pickle. A little background...I am a 36 year old female. Was married to an abusive alcoholic over a decade ago, then one day, the "switch" flipped and I suddenly realized I needed to make some changes. So, I packed up, left him, and have made a good life for myself ever since. I've been gainfully employed as a programmer for almost a decade, my mom and I live together, and I pay for both of our new cars, all the bills, everything. I'm quite proud of the stability I have created in my life.

My brother is 28. He and I don't have the same father, however, I call his father "dad" because he has been my father figure for over 30 years (I still call him, send gifts at the holidays, etc.). My brother has had a far different life than me. I have always been the type, where I ask for something, and if I don't get it, well then I huff off and say nevermind, I didn't want it anyway. I don't resent the fact that my brother was spoiled, he was just more forceful for what he wanted. Besides, for me, at my age...I'm proud to say that everything I have, I earned on my own. But, that's a whole other story.

Anyway, to my current situation. My brother is such a self-centered, selfish person, it's amazing. He only thinks about himself, period. My mother, unfortunately, is one of those "nice" people. She goes out of her way to do what she can, to the detriment of herself. My brother is such a taker, that he takes and takes and takes and never shows any appreciation. Case in point, my brother moved with his new wife to this area. He has a business here (family business, he has one separate branch of it). To help my brother out, and manage costs, my mother has been working at the business for almost five years, with no pay! Her rationale has been, that she is helping him "get started". Well, problem is, while she is working long hours, he is taking his pretty young wife and jetsetting to weekend getaways, buying new furniture, cars, etc.

Now, about her. She is 21 years old, has never worked a day in her life, and makes Jessica Simpson look like a rocket scientist! (I kid you not!) She has no manners whatsoever, and thinks nothing of jokingly telling people (like my mother, or me, that we are "old"). She actually told me to my face once, that I should be losing weight and trying to find a rich husband to take care of me, like she did. My mother and I have taken so many deep breaths over her, I'm amazed I haven't just hauled off and strangled her. But no...I've smiled, joked back, said nothing. He chose her, it's not our place to get involved.

So, here's the problem. She hates my mother and I. She can't compete with us insofar as intelligence, so she does everything in her power to make us look bad. She knows that my mother doesn't get paid, so on a few ocassions when she's been alone with my mother, she has told her how my brother spends money left and right, and how nasty he is to her..stuff to rile her up (and possibly pick a fight with my brother).

Yesterday was the last straw. Besides working my full time corporate job, I have given every spare moment to my brother's business. From website work to server fixes, all kinds of stuff (that I have done willingly, I should add). Well, the business gets a lot of spam, and every now and then, I have to do some e-mail clean up on the server end. This was the case last night, and I accidentally came across an e-mail exchange between the two of them. Basically, she was telling him how she adores him, she's his family, she only cares about them and their children (she is trying to get pregnant, got him to agree to in-vitro treatments). She told him that my mom and I are not family people, and she's been saying that from the get go. I could go on, but I'm seething just repeating it.

Here's the irony. This witch sent that e-mail the day she was leaving town to go see her family in another state. My mom took her and my brother to the airport (he was catching a business flight at an earlier time). So, my mom took her to lunch before her flight. She spent the whole time bad-mouthing him and telling her how broke my brother was, how much money he was spending, etc. Now, she's done this in the past..she suddenly realizes that she has said too much, so to try and hit the first strike, she will lie and make my mother (or me) look bad. My mother and I have NEVER told my brother any of the things that she has said about him. Never!

I'm absolutely livid. It is thanks to my mother's hard work that she has the freedom to not work. It's my mother's hard work that is keeping my brother's business afloat. All she does is complain that she's bored or goes shopping. She can't even see clear to come into the business and answer phones, to save on money to hire a receptionist. She just flits in for a minute or two to act like the "bosses wife" then says she's bored, and leaves.

But I'm absolutely positively furious over this situation. Neither he nor she are that important to me. I do not spend my waking moments trying to figure out how to destroy their marriage. In fact, I barely have time to even THINK of them. I resent the fact that she has somehow convinced him that my mother and I are the enemy, and he's so self centered that he would actually think it's true!

The worst part...Because I know many of you will say to just cut ties. I'd liked to. Here's the problem. He is violent. You cannot speak to him with any hope of a positive outcome. He gets angry, he fumes, he throws things, he hits at times. Secondly...My ex-husband ruined me financially, and hence ruined my credit. I spent the last five years cleaning up my credit, and as I said earlier..I have two new cars and stellar credit I am quite proud of. Well, last year when he first came to town, he needed a car. He asked if I would be willing to be the personal guarantor for his new car (it's in the company name, but I am the co-signer). I stupidly agreed. He knows that my credit means the world to me, and he is fully capable of, in a moment of anger ruining my credit by either not paying the payments on time, or heck, just giving back the car so that it shows up as a reposession on my credit. In a nutshell, he is capable of making life very difficult for my mother and I. To top it off, I am only three weeks into a new position within my company. I feel the need to make a good impression, and being upset and or losing it, certainly won't earn me brownie points!

So, what do I do to control the anger? I have been seething since yesterday, and all I want to do is take a crowbar over to their house and beat the both of them senseless!

Sorry for the long post, I'd appreciate any advice.

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