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thanks for the words of wisdom seekalot

yes my father wasn't a good father, i admit that... what i meant was that i feel it was better that he was around at all, because when he was there, i did learn alot of valuable skills from him, and we had some fun together, he introduced me to surfing and the ocean, which has been the basis of my career... as a father he sucked, his role was more of a big brother or uncle i guess.... by no means am i letting him off the hook that easily, so not to worry...

yes the therapist was a guy, and a real slimy guy. ireally didn't hold much respect for him after a session or two, but i stuck at it for a few more sessions to see what he had to say...again, i left feeling unforfilled and thankful that i didn't have to pay for the service (special deal for students at the time)

my life at the moment.... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm honesty you want? bit long winded because i feel that some of my past needs to be explained to explain how i am sitting at this point

i got out of home as soon as i got my independance (at 18). i grew up fast in my teens, taking on partial responsibility for my little bro i.e. i was the one that picked him up from school, helped him with his homework, taught him things like the "facts of life" and how to shave etc. i was there when it all went badly (i.e. when he had fallings out with his friends, when he was bullied etc). mum was there too, but he turned to me most the time. the alcoholism and infrequent paychecks from dad made living tight. i worked part time after school and most the money i earnt went into helping with the bills.

when i left home i went to do the university course of my dreams (marine biology). it was in university that i actually started to learn how to interact socially, i had few friends in high school. university life taught me alot. i also felt like i had my teenage years then instead of as a teen. i.e. partying, less responsibility. money was tight, often i had to tutor my peers (people think i'm smart :) ) in exchange for meals. or trade clothing, or work on friends cars for favors or food. but i had a ball... also formed my first romantic relationship, which lasted three years. that was also what began to highlight my anger problems, as before that if i got angry, no one but me suffered. with her, if i got angry, she'd have to put up with me being sulky, or would feel like she had to tread softly to not make me get angry. i hated doing that to her.

anyway, after passing my degree, i've moved STATE to do a PhD, (got a good scholarship offer)

my world fell apart with the move... most my uni friends finished a year or so before me (they were older and started earlier than me), but i had just made a new group of friends, so leaving them, my bro and my girlfriend behind was a tuff decision... except the girlfriend was supposed to come join me in 6 months time the state i moved to had the course she wanted to do, but she had to finish up loose ends before she could move, which was one of the reasons that i decided to move states. so that relationship ended when she cheated on me (couldn't wait the 6 months aparently, even though we saw each other once a fortnight).

so i was in a new state without friends, with a recently failed relationship. i'm still not that outgoing, so i thought it was all over.

well in the last 4 months, my scholarship has made me financially secure... i no longer fear bills... i have money to put into my hobbies, i work on my car because i want to now, not because i have to (theraputic for me). i've made a heap of really good friends really quickly, mainly through 4 wheel driving, and surfing and their all positive friends... the type that will turn up when your in a bad spot and help you out regardless... most my collegues are great guys too, we have plenty of social things going on. i've taken back up surfing (it kind of went by the wayside when i started up my relationship with my ex). my workload built up when i was going through the breakup. but i'm slowly getting back on track. it still overwhelms me a little bit. i've started (very slowly) a relationship with a wonderful girl, someone that i would have never thought would be interested in me. things are going slowly because we both are a little nervous about being hurt again, but she is honest (which sometimes i struggle to comprehend, as i'm used to being lied to alot), and neither of us hold back what we're thinking. so far that's worked for us, and i actually trust her (big big step for me, i only have trusted my brother before).

so my life is far from perfect. i still occasionally miss my 1st ex and my old friends, and definately wish my bro would get out and see some of the things in life that i've seen. he's my major weakness, and the only reason i feel guilty for having "escaped" from the life i was born into. i have alot to be proud of, how far i've come, i'm the first person in my family to get a tertiary degree, had nothing handed to me on a plate, and still i'm here, progressing in my dream career, my car i rebuilt with my bare hands, and it still runs :). but don't spend much time looking back at that stuff, always looking towards the future... i'm living comfortably, and having fun. my life is 100% better than i ever imagined it could be, in all honesty, it's not perfect but it's good.

but still i get dark sometimes?





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