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Let me preface this by saying your post touched a huge nerve with me, and I apologize if I am overly harsh.

First of all, I've never been a step-parent, but I do have a three year old. I have been a stepchild, though. I can remember when I was five years old and my mom brought home this stranger for the first time, and I can remember when they told me they were going to marry. I was so upset. My real dad had never really been a part of my life, but I had lived with my mom and grandmother. They said they were going to marry and we would move out into our own place. I wanted to stay with my granny.

My whole life was changing, and I blamed it on him. So, of course, I was obnoxious toward him. Instead of trying to get around it, at times, he clammed up and didn't say anything or he was hateful right back. He and my mother are still together, and I've forgiven him for a lot of things he did. But, even now, I think back that he was the adult and I was the child. If he had acted like an adult and realized why I was doing what I was doing and risen above it, we could have had a completely different relationship than the one we had.

So, here is what I'm saying in regards to your situation. First of all, when you marry someone with children, you are marrying the person as well as their child. It isn't fair to think otherwise. She was there before you were, and she will still be his child, no matter what. You are the adult here, and she is the child. It is your job to figure out where her words are coming from. Children crave stability. Her whole world has changed and is changing even more with the addition of you in it. So, of course, she is going to blame you for the changes. It is your job (because obviously you knew your fiance had children when you became engaged) to help make this work. At her age, all she can see are the changes in her life, and you need to show her and help her understand that while the changes may not be what she wants, it may not be as bad as she thinks.

Secondly, you have to get over being mad at her words. For goodness sakes, she's a child and a young one at that. Children say hurtful things all the time. I'm sure your own daughter has said (and even if she hasn't yet, she will) things that hurt you. I can't tell you how many times I hurt my mom with my words, but the difference there is that what I said was directed at her personally. Your step-daughter's words are directed at you, but even if he was marrying someone else, she would be saying them to that person.

Third, you have a child of your own. Your step-daughter may also be afraid that your daughter will take her place with your fiance. It may sound silly to you, but she's a child and children often have silly thoughts. My mom and step-dad went on to have another child, and I often felt as though I was an outsider in the family. That's not fair to any child.

While I agree with the other posters that children crave discipline, I also think they crave understanding. Have you ever thought about sitting down with her and saying, "I understand that you want your mom and dad back together, and it's ok to feel that way." To hear that it's ok to have the feelings she's having may help her out more than anything.

And while her feeling that way may make you mad, it's more than understandable and more than OK for her to feel that way. I would even go so far as to say that it's completely and totally normal and she has ever right to feel the way she does.

Again, I apologize if I was overly harsh. But, step-parent issues are a huge deal to me, having grown up in step-parent home.

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