It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....

Anger Management Message Board

Anger Management Board Index

Gawd, the divorce guilt thing! 99% of the time that was why my husband caved in to things. I tried as much as I could to be understanding about it, but sometimes I couldn't help but get mad when I really felt he was being manipulated or taken advantage of.

Some people will laugh at this, but I don't care. I really do believe that kids, especially younger kids, appreciate rules and boundaries. It helps them know where the limits are. They don't have to guess or push or act out to see what will happen. They find comfort in something stable and reliable. And you know what? So do we.

Mack, when he was maybe 11 or so, was in counseling for a little while. His mom had just been divorced again and he was having trouble dealing with his emotions, as he had just adored his stepdad. He was acting out with his Mom and at school, etc.

When we went to pick him up one Friday night, Mom came out to the car first. I give her credit for telling us this, though she didn't convey it very nicely. Apparently she & Mack had been in a session that afternoon and Mack was saying that no one liked him. The counselor had been pushing him, saying, "No one? No one? No one likes you?", and Mack finally said, "Well, my stepmom likes me." When the counselor asked why he thought that, Mack replied, "Because she only yells at me when she has to."

In other words (according to the counselor, via Mom) I didn't let him push me until I flipped out and overreacted. He could count on my reactions.

Of course, I'm not gonna claim that I never flipped out, because of course everyone does once in a while. But it was really nice for me to hear that Mack supposedly felt I "respected" him. Let me tell you, I still and always will count that among the top ten compliments of my life. It meant a lot to me.

Most of my temper problems in life have been when I let myself start obsessing about someone or something. Which is what I did early on when Mack was acting like such a little turd. I get to the point where I think about that person or thing all the time and get so frustrated that I just want to explode. What a therapist finally said to me one time was, "Then you're letting them win. Don't you suppose [whoever] would love to know that you're putting so much effort into thinking about them all the time?" Well, heck, that put me right into perspective, and ever since then when I start getting really carried away with being angry about something, I try to remember that.

I have six nieces and nephews under 10 and they all know how far they can push me. Obnoxious behavior gets them ignored; bad behavior gets them sent to a room or timeout. No fun there. I try to remember to praise them for things like sharing, playing quietly, helping with chores, etc. I don't always remember, and I can't say I never lose my temper with them, but I do try and both of my sisters ask me why their kids behave better when I'm over.

I don't mean any of this to sound like I'm perfect, because I'm certainly far from THAT point. But I'm a big fan of deep breaths and counting to ten, and I try to remember that they are KIDS and that I'm not. I'm sure I provided more than my share of bratty moments when I was a child, probably most of them without even realizing it. Geez, I think back to some things I did and said and I just wonder how my parents were able to tolerate me!

Hang in there. It is NOT always easy, and you will unfortunately always have that slightly removed "step" status, but you can still have a great relationship.

As for the weekends, just remember to keep at least a little "alone" time - a walk, a bath, 10 minutes in your bedroom with the door closed - for decompression. It helps!

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:45 PM.

© 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!