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Anger Management Message Board


Anger Management Board Index


If someone has an answer I would be so happy to hear it. I have a 19 yr old son with the exact same problem of your brothers.
He has extreme anger outbursts and has upset our family to the max. Little things set him off and you never know when they are going to happen. His brother, my 18 year old, wore his shirt, by the way one he had never worn and had for 6 months, and he got a stain on it. My 19 yr old went crazy, screaming and cursing, F this and Mother F that, and ripped the shirt to shreds. About that time my 18 yr old walks in and he starts on him, pushing and bullying him, he is 40 lbs heavier and 5 in taller than his 18 yr old brother. My 18 yr old, who knows that he just needs to get out of his way, goes into his own bedroom and locks the door. My 19 yr old gets madder and then puts his fist through the door and unlocks it. He sucker punches his brother, all this time his 16 yr old sister is watching, screaming and crying. I get right in the middle of this fight and stop it and pick up the phone to call the police. My 19 yr old leaves so I don't call the cops. This is by far the worse it has even gotten, but we have had many holes in walls and doors during the past 19 yrs. He was an angry defiant 2 yr old also.
He has ADHD and ODD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and is on Adderall that he doesn't take and should be on Paxil, but won't take it either.
By the way, I am an Art teacher and own my own business, and my husband is a CPA.
Anybody had the same problem that would give us some advise.
Dee
Cybernick, what do your parents say about your brother? You sound really mature. I wonder if something happened to him that no one else knows about? Has he always been like this? What was he like when he was growing up?

ffb, when your son was that defiant 2 yr. old, did you or your husband really come down on him and have "control showdowns" a lot? My middle sister was that defiant 2 yr. old and my dad spent his life having "control showdowns" with her. She is now almost 50 and it really affected her relationship with my dad. She and my dad are not close at all but my other sister and myself are close to my dad. She was angry a lot. I always felt it was because of this. What are the consequences for your son when he breaks things and is violent?
Yes, we did come down on him, but I am not sure what you mean by "control showdowns" . When he misbehaved my husband spanked him and I put him in time out. He was so out of control even then that I had to watch him the entire time and almost hold him down in time out. I probably smacked him on the butt a few times myself when I would loose total control. My husband just spanked him with his hand. His thoughts were We were spanked when we were kids and we grew up highly respectful, even scared of our parents. I guess we turned out ok but now I am not so sure. How could we have raised a child who could turn on us like he has? My other 2 kids are just normal teens, pleasant, sometimes disrespectful, but never violent and destructive. Consequences are harder to control now. He is in college, attends a local community college and thankfully is going away in the spring to University of Ky. He has a car, a cell phone and we pay his bills. I know that is probably the problem, we have given him everything.
He had a great career in baseball, he was the star in our area, throwing a 95 MPH fastball as a 7th grader and by the time he was a junior scouts from the majors were scouting him, then he hurt his knee playing football of all things and his career ended. Now after 6 surgeries and a huge letdown he is worse than ever. He can't keep a job because of all the surgeries. We only give him enough money to get back and forth to school and for food. He doesn't seem to mind not having any money, is ok just to lay around the house playing Xbox. What do I do? It is different for a girl than a boy, he is physically much bigger than me and frankly I am scared of him. Do I just wait for January to come and then be rid of him or do I come to blows with him now? I am just so confused and so hurt.
By the way, I live in Ky also.
Thanks,
Dee
Gosh, I'm sorry that you have this issue to deal with. I wouldn't know what that would be like to have a child bigger and stronger than me and to be afraid. I do know that consequences work wonders on behavior. A person just has to get the right consequences and they have to be enforced every time. Being afraid of him certainly throws a wrench into the situation. If he has never hurt you before what are the chances that he would hurt you? I think of a "control showdown" as the parents wanting to show the child that they are in control and that they are going to win and this becomes the goal. I realized with my own children when they were two that there are other ways to get the child to do what you want without having a conflict of wills. How much of his anger do you think is from him losing his dreams of sports? Has he tried counseling? I know with my children there are things that I will never get them to stop completely (hitting each other and being rude sometimes) but I think that it is important that they hear every time that this behavior is not okay and I give out consequences (after a warning) if it is gets too frequent. Do you and your husband stick together on this issue? I think that breaking things and hurting people definitely deserves consequences. How about calmly talking to him when he starts to get angry and telling him that he has to use words instead of violence. "I know you are angry about.... but you need to get control of yourself and talk about this." Maybe he could go for a walk or something to cool down. I live outside of Louisville. I got my Masters from UK.





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