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Anger Management Message Board

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I would like some guidence on how to handle my boyfriends rage. He "snaps" all the time. It doesn't matter who, abuot what, or where he is. I have a hard time believing that it is built up anger because he is always letting it out. His anger has gotten him in trouble with the law and he actually did do a short period of jail time for it. His outburst never seem to be predictable or really caused by anything, he just flies off the handle. He has no control! I have been with him for about 2 years. He had just finished his jail time when I met him and according to him and his friends, his anger is much more in check. This is so hard for me to believe!!! I don't know how to help him. It is very frustrating to me because he yells at me alot for minor things. I ususally end up upset and that just sparks him even more. Sometimes it is even amusing how fired up he can get and I cant help but laugh, which inturn makes it worse. How do I approach calming him down, or talking to him about his anger? He won't admitt that he is out of control. HELP PLEASE!!!!
Well, if he says he doesn't realise what he's doing, either during or afterwards, then he's lying. It's not hard to see how you're acting, even at the time. I personally am fully aware of how I am being the whole time...I offer no excuses for my behaviour at all.

Afterwards, I am just disgusted and depressed and guilty with myself and feel so bad for my poor partner...she is also a bit like you in that she doesn't take it to heart much, she knows I don't mean it and that it's not really "me"...but still, it HAS to get in a bit and hurt, it MUST. And why should she, or you, have to put up with that, huh?

During my things, I am aware but like...I don't know how to snap myself out of it to get to the point in thinking that I WANT to stop it...cause obviously I AM in control while I'm freaking out like that...or else I would throw things AT my partner and at others nearby when we're in public (which I would never do of course), and if I wasn't in control, I'd do these things with other people as well, or at work or something, which I'd never dream of doing!! How embarrassing and mortifying! :(

So I DO have some control...I once smashed a glass in the sink (this was about as physical as I've ever gotten in one of these tantrums) but before doing so, made sure my partner was really far away and that the sink was deep and then I didn't do it hard enough for the glass to go too far when it smashed...*shrug* Basically, I weighed up in my mind the pros & was I'd feel better, somewhat relieved of my negative feelings and I'd get the message across to her how I felt, and cons were that she'd be scared, upset, and that I'd have to clean up the mess later...both emotionally and physically actually...and basically, this is sort of the whole thing really - you weigh up how much you want to express yourself in this way as compared to the bad things you know will come from it and how you'll feel ALWAYS in control.

And saying that, if you're partially in control, then you're IN control. There really is no "sort of" or "somewhat"...people are either aware of their behaviour and choosing to do whatever they're doing, or they're not. And I think if they're the latter, then they may have a chemical imbalance more than just this sort of plain anger thing.

So...well...I don't honestly know how to get him to stop...he could get counselling, though this wouldn't really help if the counsellor wasn't on his wavelength or he's not willing to be aware or admit to how he's acting...or its effects on you and himself, and others too even...

Otherwise, he really just has to change his REALLY want to stop...and then...I don't know. *helpless shrug*

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