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Anger Management Message Board

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Yeah...this is me. SOO many of these posts are me. LOL. If you have a read under the anger section here, I think you'll find this too. (if you haven't already)

Firstly, don't think you're a bad person. I think (and hope) you don't.

I like how you say you feel you can't control it, or it's like you can't control it as opposed to saying "I can't control it"...because let me just say, you CAN control it, you're just choosing not to. This is most likely the biggest, most hypocritical thing coming from me, as I also still have these outburts, but hardly ever anymore, thank god. But I feel I can't control them either, but at the same time I know I can.

Even as I am in the midst of one, at the back of my mind I'm thinking, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? But I "can't" stop...*sigh* I really just choose to keep it going on...usually it's my partner crying that snaps me out of it a bit...but sometimes not even that...or me just becoming exhausted and the time elapsing so I've had adequate time and space to literally get tired of is SO draining, emotionally and physically, as you know.

So yeah...I think I just choose to keep being in this mind set...cause quite simply, for me to get into it in the first place, I am already really tense, stressed, hormonal (this is not an excuse for my behaviour, it's just a partial explanation of why I may feel slightly negative in the first place) and just really unhappy...not sure why, usually it's just stuff going on, work stress or something...basic stuff most people deal with everyday and do NOT end up freaking out like we do at times.

So then something tiny will set me off (my partner always does this. Never her fault and the things that set me off usually wouldn't get to me at all. It's always her who has to deal with it though, cause she's the closest one to me and the only one with whom I really feel comfortable enough exposing myself this way) like her accidentally stepping on my foot, spilling food on me (like a speck of food, not even a lot) or whatever...nothing at all, basically.

So then I'm like a completely different person...throwing things (never at her though. I've never physically directed anything at her and never will), saying horrible things I don't mean (once I said I wished she'd leave me so I could finally be free of her, and even as the words were coming out of my mouth, my brain was screaming SHUT UP! And I was crying inside. As soon as I'd said them and saw the look on her face, I just felt so sick...and it was like, the LAST thing I really felt. I never want her to leave me. At times I have actually snapped myself out of the moods by saying things so bad and so not what I really feel that right afterwards I actually apologise and say I didn't mean it...but this doesn't really help things partner never reciprocates anything, she is the most peaceful person ever and so gorgeous in every way...but I hate that now those words are out there, you know? She heard them and may never forget them. I fear, whenever this happens even if it's not frequent now, I'm damaging US, you know? Gradually...)

Anyway...but yeah...I also swear pretty much every word I say when usually I hardly ever do...I scream, slam doors, break things, etc...horrible. It's like I'm a wild animal, when normally I'm quite reserved. My partner says I even LOOK different, my eyes and face and my voice changes and goes really deep.

I am fully conscious and coherent and myself during this...I don't have any sort of dissociative disorder like multiple personalities, etc, so...

Sorry this is so long!!! Basically, I think it's a self-indulgent expression of negative feelings...we don't HAVE to succumb, but it is easier to, except afterwards.

*sigh* I don't know. I've never been on any drugs or anything like Effexor or be honest, I'd be scared to. I'd be scared I'd never come off them, you know?

Anyway, good luck!
In response to the Q re whether the hurtful things I say to my partner are a way of pushing her away cause I don't feel worthy or deserving of her love, yes. Definitely. I've known this for many years. But see, what's interesting is that when I'm "sane" (not in one of these distorted states), I don't feel insecure or unworthy in the slightest...I feel 100% secure and confident in my partner's love for me.

And what's bad as well when I'm in one of my tantrums and going on about her not caring about me or whatever is that afterwards, for years I'd explain this in terms of the insecurity and feeling undeserving and that's why I would push her away...and never once (until a couple of years ago) did I realise that that is SO selfish and rude...I just saw it as a small part of why I behaved this way...but now, it's beautiful partner does so much for me and everything she does and how she is towards me, it all comes from her love for me...and I mean, she's basically never shown me anything BUT love...and then I go and do this to her AND then partially explain it by saying I feel unloved by her and unworthy so want to push her away? I mean, what more can she DO, you know, to convince me of her love? And like, when I'm normal, I KNOW she loves me. It's just...the other times I don't know what I think...

Well, possibly I do. I think that maybe the pushing away thing cause I feel unworthy of her, is like, an excuse for my behaviour...cause really, I can feel myself moving away from the normal emotional/mental closeness and intimacy I usually feel towards her before I go off on one of my's during this tension and sort of shutting down phase, pre-tantrum, that I lose sight of myself, or my sane self really...and see, THIS is when I have control most of all to stop myself before I go into it fully. But my problem is that usually by this stage, I can't feel anything...I feel empty and cold inside...otherwise there's no way I'd be able to say any of this stuff or do these things...I go numb...and during this, I begin to feel (and it escalates) that she doesn't care about me or even that she's AGAINST me...and THIS I think is how I then relate my behaviour to pushing her away...cause I feel she doesn't care and stuff, so I may as well push her away before she leaves me or whatever distorted reasoning I use...*shrug*

And I, the pre-tantrum tension and negative emotions (never connected to her) are already there in order for me to have a tantrum in the first place, and so...I already probably feel inferior or bad in a way, and then to feel she doesn't care, I guess it gives me "permission" to say these things because I feel unloved and unworthy...but really, what is going on is that because I have shut down emotionally and am numb, and thus am more inclined to express these negative feelings in such a hurtful and destructive way, I am sort of projecting these thoughts onto her...I say (along the lines of) "You don't love me!" but I really saying, "I don't feel love for you right now. And I don't understand why...but I feel so bad, so I'm expressing it in this way...and I can't feel anything, including love for you, so...I can't bear to admit that to myself or you, so I just will turn it around and say you don't love me cause it's easier." ? That make sense? It's not that I don't love her...I know I do. But right then, I just can't...GET to it, you know? I can't find the love inside me...that's kinda scary...

And I find lately if I begin to feel this way, I tend to get naggy and snippy first, and my poor girl knows sometimes when I'm going to have one of my things cause she knows me so well...and often she'll say it, that she's just waiting for me to explode...and I feel SO bad then...I feel so guilty and it just again makes me feel so strange and terrible because I know I am an abusive person in this way...*sigh*

She used to apologise to me afterwards (after one of my tantrums) if she also got a bit angry during it...(a rare occurrence...well, she always got angry and hurt, but she would only rarely show it or "come down to my level" and show it that way by yelling or using harsh tones)...I would always tell her, NEVER apologise for that...I do NOT want her to be downtrodden and her spirit killed by know? I would always say after that it was all my fault, because quite simply, it was. This is no martyr statement at all. And over the last few ones I've said, over the past months, she has gotten more angry and hasn't apologised afterwards, and she also hasn't cried anymore either...who here thinks this is a good or a bad thing? It seems good to me that she is perhaps feeling more strong or...not WRONG, like she's done anything wrong (her self esteem isn't the highest...I always try to make her feel good. Except of course during these things. *sigh*)...BUT what if she's just hardening and becoming used to my tantrums...and her spirit IS being crushed by me?...

I have gone on way too long, I'm sorry...

One thing though, I 100% agree with the post that said you choose to express your feelings this, if you were in the early or middle stages of one of these things, and suddenly your partner became your doctor or your boss, would you abruptly stop and be just shocked and appalled at yourself, and embarrassed? I surely would. I bet all the feelings swirling around in your head would somehow kinda vanish too actually...

I find myself lately tending to leave the situation when I feel myself getting weird...I just find it so hard though at times...I have to find some other outlet that releases my feelings without it being destructive like this...I used to actually actively follow around my partner when I was like this...she'd try and remove herself from me to avoid a full on tantrum, but I HAD to express myself and get it all out, so I'd follow her...ugh. Horrible.

So I guess that's something maybe...

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