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Anger Management Message Board

Anger Management Board Index

Hi all. I am new here. I have a 4 year old daughter that has anger management issues. She goes far beyond temper tantrums and once she gets wound up she can't seem to calm down. Her preschool is concerned about how she will do when she starts Kindergarden next year. As they put it "She needs to learn to deal with her anger and frustration better." I do not know how to help her. I think part of the problem is that for almost a year I had uncontrolable anger. Turns out I had PPD. I got on Lexapro and things for me are SO MUCH better. However, in that time, my daughter learned a bad example from me. How do I help her calm down when she gets mad? How do I help her find more contructive ways to vent her anger instead of hitting or throwing things or screaming uncontrolablly?
Sorry PPD stands for post partum depression: For the longest time I thought that I was just stressed out from having a new baby... you know all the new responsibilities, husband that didn't help, pressures from my job... same ol story... but after 9 months and I was still angry and stressed out all the time and it was actually getting worse... I thought maybe I should talk to a Dr.

Ok last time she freaked out was earlier this week about a shirt. She wanted it... I didn't want her to have it... We were leaving daycare and she just melted down. We stood outside with her screaming and hitting me refusing to hold my hand to walk to the car (actually refusing to go to the car) for about 15 minutes. I stayed calm and I told her that I understood that she wanted the shirt etc... Well as she esculated and was getting more aggresive with hitting me etc... and my 14 month old was getting cold I took action and forcefully carried her to the car and strapped her in her car seat where she continued to hit and kick. Daycare teachers tried to come over and calm her down and that just made matters worse. I finally called my husband and after awhile he was able to get her to calm down enough that I felt it was safe to buckle her little sister in to the car seat next to her and attempt to drive home. (before that I was afraid that she would hurt her sister) what should/could I have done differently?

Yes I did YELL at my kids before the meds. (and still do some times) That was actually one of the things that opened my eyes that I had a problem... was when I noticed all my kids yelling all the time. They yelled at each other, I yell at them etc... The house was full of yelling! I see what you mean about telling her that Yes you did it but you are trying NOT to do it now and she needs to try not to do it too.. I passed a no yelling rule in our house after I got on meds. And it really helped with that but she still seems to not know how to control herself. She gets in peoples faces and talks to them thru clenched teeth when they make her mad (probably something I do and don't know it)

I guess I will really watch her reactions and honestly see if they are things that I do and talk to her about better ways to handle it. But how do I help her at daycare? She is in trouble everyday for her behavior there.

Some times she and I pretend to be each other... this helps me to see how she sees me... She will say "I am the Mommy" and then she will boss me around or be sweet and call me honey and give me kisses etc... and I pretend to be her making demands for juice and whining about wanting candy etc... This also helped me to see how I treated her.
Hi Mom, I like your idea about switching roles. In reference to Beachmom who uses a swat on the butt. My husband always encouraged me to spank and I tried it and it didn't work in my situation. It just made my oldest daughter angrier. Many adults have told me that spanking made them angry and was very disrespectful to them. I was never spanked. I believe that children need consequences every time for broken rules but I use sitting on the couch, taking away dessert, taking away allowance, we're not going on a planned outing, etc. And like you said, it has to be enforced every time. I feel that I get the most mileage of getting my children to behave by treating them with respect, calmly enforcing the rules, and interacting positively with them frequently. Anyway, Mom, why didn't you want her to wear the shirt? If you have certain clothes for daycare maybe seperate them out so that she chooses only from one area. Or take out two or three outfits and she chooses from them. Does she get consequences for hitting you? Yeh, everytime that I saw my children do a behavior that I didn't like I could trace it back to my behavior. I swear they learn everything from us! I wouldn't worry about daycare at this point. I think that when you get control over her behavior at home that she will behave better at daycare. She sounds very angry to me. I would just continue to tell her that speaking to people through clenched teeth is not acceptable and then tell her how she should express her wants and concerns (by verbalizing calmly what she needs). And of course try to stop modeling the behavior. I think that you can get her to change her behavior but it will just take time and patience to mold her behavior back to an acceptable way. I would have a lot of conversations about her anger and give her consequences for unacceptable behavior. Good luck to you.
Sannah:: In ref to the shirt... she had worn it to daycare that morning. It had a tie on it and I guess she wouldn't stop messing with it so they made her change in to something else. When I got there she wanted to undress and put that shirt back on. I just wanted to go home. (in hindsite the 3 min it would have taken to let her change was much less than the 15-20 it took me to get her in to the car) BUT I also wanted to make a point that when she is punished at daycare I am not going to come and undo what her teacher has done. I feel like that would be undermining her teacher. As far as spanking goes with her some times it works sometimes it doesn't. When she is all worked up spanking has NO effect on her at all, it just makes things worse. BUT when it is done like beachomom said. Calmly with an explanation and consistently it does serve as a deterant. I find that I don't yell the first or even the second time I ask her to do something it is the 3rd plus times that make my blood boil. Taking away things like TV time or no candy do seem to work (sort of) usually they send her in to a tail spin of freaking out. As far as her hitting me goes that was really the first time that she acted THAT bad. I was so shocked that I didn't know what to do. She was in trouble and had to go to time out when she got home but that was really over the entire incident not just the hitting me part. This morning she yelled at me in the car on the way to daycare and so we talked about how it wasn't nice to yell and I asked her if some times Mommy yelled at her and how that made her feel and I told her that I was working on not yelling anymore and that she needed to work on it too. She said OK... So I will just keep talking to her like you recommended in the first place. But I would like to get her to listen the first time! That would make my house a much nicer place to be. I feel like she is the boss of ALL of us sometimes!
Sorry to keep bugging you... But now I have a time out question.
When I tell her to go to time out she just falls apart... She yells, falls on the floor etc... Then I have to threaten a spanking just to get her to go to time out. Then she screams, cries, yells at us "No I don't want to go to time out" "you're mean" "I don't like you" etc... throws stuff (if she can get her hands on anything) or she just wont sit there. She will get up or try to scooch her butt or the chair. How do I do time outs better??? or is this how all kids act about time out? I get the impression that everyone else isn't having as much trouble as I do with time out.
ok so every time I have to take her back does the time start over???
Also can she yell the whole 4 min or does she have to be quiet the 4 min?

She gets time outs a school all the time so I KNOW she knows how to do it right! She just won't do it for me!

Also they changed her teacher at daycare on Friday. They moved her to a different class. I think her teacher couldn't handle her anymore so this could be a good thing or a bad thing... She really liked her teacher but I don't think she respected her/minded her very well. Ari had a mark on her arm.... She told me that Ms Gina did it... I reported it to the office and that day when I went to pick Ari up there was a note saying that she was being moved to a different room. So maybe this is part of the problem at home too... She had improved her behavior A LOT over the last 6 months/year but just here in the last week or two she has been acting horrible at home!
I don't think that it matters what you use as long as it works (except you know that I don't spank). I think that there should always be a warning, to give them a chance to correct their behavior before punishment. I know how a lot of people think about this. "They know the rules, they shouldn't have to be reminded". I just don't think that it works that way, though with kids. It is natural for them to test limits. Time out for talking back is excellent. She talks back, tell her that it isn't acceptable, if she continues, time out. She really will stop talking back, especially if you are respecting her also. I don't get really upset about my children saying no. They are going to do what I said anyway. If they are not being disrespectful about it I ignore it when they say no. They really don't say it anymore anyway, but they did when they were little. And always with any of this you have to stay calm no matter what.

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