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Anger Management Message Board

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I have been married for 6 years and most of it has been bad. We get along right at the time of my period for a few days than the rest of the month I can't stand my husband and am always angry and mad at him. The smallest things he does I blow up, lose my temper, yell and scream, threaten divorce, etc.....

We have one 4 year old son together and I have an 8 year old son from a previous relationship. My husband will never leave me no matter what I do cept cheating(which I have no interest in). For the most part he is miserable too because I spend most of the time treating him like crap. We fight all the time and I know most of it is my fault or I start it.

I refuse to leave him or get a divorce as I wouldn't do that to my kids for anything. I know we probably need marriage counseling, but frankly I'm just so tired of fighting and hating him. He doesn't hate me, he loves me, so why do I hate him most of the time?

What can I do to stop treating him like crap and stop being so angry all the time? I'm thinking before he and I went to marriage counseling I probably need to go to counseling on my own for a while to deal with this first, but if there is tips I could use for now to help me I need them.

I'm so tired!
You are so aware of what you are doing. Get help, before you lose what you have- a family.
Think about your children, and your husband and more important yourself.
Do something, this could be hormonal, or underlying unresolved issues.
I don't hate my husband, I'm just always angry with him. I'm not sure why but never thought of it as seeing him as a wimp because he won't stand up to me. Is this a serious question?
Halls, I was wondering if it could be something else making you angry besides your husband. Sometimes we take things out on the person closest to us and it can be some thing else causing the anger. Maybe if you saw a therapist it could help pin point where the anger is coming from. You said you do not want a divorce because of the kids but this is hurting them too. I feel compassion for both you and your husband. It has to be hard for him having you so angry. It is hard for you being that way too. It is a big step to acknowledge you have a problem. It is commendable. I hope you find an answer.
Did you ever love your husband or marry him just 'cause he wants to marry you and it seems a right thing to do? Do you have phisical attraction towards him?
I think you just don't love him that is why he irritates you so much. May be you will be better of appart.
[QUOTE=Halls]I don't hate my husband, I'm just always angry with him. I'm not sure why but never thought of it as seeing him as a wimp because he won't stand up to me. Is this a serious question?[/QUOTE]
Dear Halls,
Just some food for thought:
how about making a list of things that would make you happy? What is it that your husband would need to do in order for you to feel fulfilled? By doing this, you could see what is lacking in the present. Also, try looking at yourself in the most objective way: make that same list for yourself, from your husband's point of view. If you'd like, show it to him and ask him to respond. I'm certain that this is one way for you to find out your inner truth about your anger. Let me know if this helps...:)
[QUOTE=Halls] I can't stand my husband [/QUOTE]

[QUOTE=Halls]I don't hate my husband, I'm just always angry with him. I'm not sure why but never thought of it as seeing him as a wimp because he won't stand up to me. Is this a serious question?[/QUOTE]

Halls, of course this is a serious question! People get really irritated with people who don't stand up for themselves. I think that many Americans really admire independent and strong people and when a person leans on us too much by not being independent it irritates us.
Ok, many things to address here.

Yes, I have other things in my life that are wrong with my health wise that I cannot conquer and not sure some of them I ever will, but still trying. I believe that this causes me to take my frustration out on my husband much more than if I was ok.

I married my husband because I loved him but we did have trouble from the get go because I miscarried twice and than had a rough pg with our son and ended up falling into deep depression, so it hasn't been easy. We have come through a lot.

As far as my husband being independant I don't believe he is that much. He does lean on me and depend on me a lot. There are things about him I'd wish he'd do that he won't do. He doesn't have any friends cept one outside of our family. He is vert attached to me and and no, not very independant at all. It isn't that I want him to be less attached to me, but I would like to see him want to do things without me sometimes. He also has no desire to do anything other than what he is doing yet he knows he can't do what he is doing till retirement age. When we first got married he said he was going to look to do something different when he turned 35 and now he is 40 still working the same job going nowhere. He cannot move up, grow, get anywhere, and it is the same job he has had since he was 23. He wants to badly to provide for us but can't. I just got my real estate license this past year and joined a Broker, but haven't really worked at it yet. But he doesn't want me to work at all and wants me to take care of me. He wants to be the HERO but he refuses to do anything about it. I don't ask him to be the HERO for me, this is what he says he wants. It is hard to understand him. He also thinks I'm going to leave him and take off with some other man when I have never cheated, thought about cheating, look at another man, or anything, He is so insecure it drives me nuts!

As far as not finding my husband attractive. Yes there are times I'm not attracted to him and than there are times I am. I go back and forth with my feelings for him and it mostly fallas around my menstral cycle when this happens.

Anyhow, we had a long talk about things last night and he realizes ther eare many other factors contributing to why I'm angry with him right now. I'm making an appointment with my doctor to get back on a antidepressent again and than make an appointment with a Pyschologist. No marriage is perfect but I refuse to just give up on us as I do not believe divorce will fix everything cause I think it may just make things worse.
Halls, so glad to hear that you will be seeing a doctor and psychologist. I agree that relationships are very worth working on. I think that if you don't take the time to work on one relationship and just move on to the next that you will just take those same issues with you because you haven't learned to work on them. Yes, your husband himself needs to learn to be more independent and stronger. Maybe he will agree to go to a psychologist also. Good luck to you and keep us posted.
I don't believe that somebody should push somebody's limits to see if he/she can stand up for himself/herself. Unfortinately it happened and people in any culture dislike you if you can't. I would say that society here overall is kinder than my ex-country.
My dh also many years at the same job which doesn't provide much and that is fear that it can come to the end and he doesn't have any other skills.
I can't say I was happy with it at the beginning but I've learned to accept it, he is a good father, doing a lot around the house and have other good qualities.
May be you should have good talk to your husband and see if you can accept him for what he is. Be honest to yourself, you have 2 kids and health problems, do you think that it will be realistic for you to meet somebody better who would want to marry you and be good father to your kids?
Hello, Halls.

Let me say that what you are saying here is admirable. You have taken the critical first step and admitted your problem. Perhaps more importantly is that you refuse to let it ruin your marriage. Your children definitely [U][B]do not [/B][/U] deserve a broken home--no one does.

The next step is for him to see these problems. Has he admitted that your (plural) behavior is detremental to your relationship? If he can take the first step as well, then you two should be ready for the next step, which would be to seek help. You need to determine the source of these frustrations, which your therapist will assist you with.

For example, yes, working a dead-end job is frustrating, especially if it isn't enough income to support a family. But, what is the deeper issue? Did either of you have a dad who worked a dead-end job? Or, perhaps a previous relationship? Does he know how to get out of this job? i.e. has he had any good examples to look to for getting a new job? Do you want to stay home with your children? IMO, the world needs more stay-at-home mothers, but are you in position to be one and how can you support your husband in the process?

Point being, the two of you need to work together. If the problem is mutual, then the solution needs to be as well. You can change all of your behavior and do what is right, but unless he does as well, nothing will be accomplished.

Wishing you the best.
[QUOTE=Halls]My husband will never leave me no matter what I do cept cheating(which I have no interest in). For the most part he is miserable too because I spend most of the time treating him like crap. We fight all the time and I know most of it is my fault or I start it.[/QUOTE]

Believe me, your husband may well leave you if you continue to show your contempt for him in this manner. People think they can predict future behaviour from past behaviour, but one thing about humans is how unpredictable even the most predictable of us can be (if that makes sense!). It's amazing the amount of abuse some people will put up with but almost always there comes a time when enough is enough and the 'worm turns'. I have seen this happen time and again in relationships: one partner calls the shots, treats the other like dirt, complacently believing the meeker half of the couple will never have the guts to leave, but then, often completely out of the blue, the abused partner ups and leaves. There will be someone out there who could make your husband happy, who could accept him for what he is rather than bemoan what he isn't, who would be happy just to be with him rather than see him as someone to take their own frustrations out on. Someday he could meet this person, then your complacency will be brutally shattered.

In a nutshell, if you value your marriage at all then please sit down and think seriously about how you can protect it. Look at your husband's good points, he's certainly got plenty as he has stayed with you so far in spite of your behaviour towards him. But DO NOT bank on his 'insecurity' as your insurance against him leaving at some point in the future. Underneath his timidity and insecurity is a man looking for love and acceptance and if he doesn't find it with you he may well find it with someone else.
Agree with the previous person. You may find yourself with a person who are rude and abusive towards you and regret not having your current husband. I saw movie on that topic, movie is a movie but still..
My mother in low said very right thing to me: "Everything perfect can be only in your dreams". I remembered it when I wish my dh to have better career and so on.

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