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Anger Management Message Board


Anger Management Board Index


I have been married for 6 years and most of it has been bad. We get along right at the time of my period for a few days than the rest of the month I can't stand my husband and am always angry and mad at him. The smallest things he does I blow up, lose my temper, yell and scream, threaten divorce, etc.....

We have one 4 year old son together and I have an 8 year old son from a previous relationship. My husband will never leave me no matter what I do cept cheating(which I have no interest in). For the most part he is miserable too because I spend most of the time treating him like crap. We fight all the time and I know most of it is my fault or I start it.

I refuse to leave him or get a divorce as I wouldn't do that to my kids for anything. I know we probably need marriage counseling, but frankly I'm just so tired of fighting and hating him. He doesn't hate me, he loves me, so why do I hate him most of the time?

What can I do to stop treating him like crap and stop being so angry all the time? I'm thinking before he and I went to marriage counseling I probably need to go to counseling on my own for a while to deal with this first, but if there is tips I could use for now to help me I need them.

I'm so tired!
I don't hate my husband, I'm just always angry with him. I'm not sure why but never thought of it as seeing him as a wimp because he won't stand up to me. Is this a serious question?
[QUOTE=Halls]I don't hate my husband, I'm just always angry with him. I'm not sure why but never thought of it as seeing him as a wimp because he won't stand up to me. Is this a serious question?[/QUOTE]
Dear Halls,
Just some food for thought:
how about making a list of things that would make you happy? What is it that your husband would need to do in order for you to feel fulfilled? By doing this, you could see what is lacking in the present. Also, try looking at yourself in the most objective way: make that same list for yourself, from your husband's point of view. If you'd like, show it to him and ask him to respond. I'm certain that this is one way for you to find out your inner truth about your anger. Let me know if this helps...:)
[QUOTE=Halls] I can't stand my husband [/QUOTE]


[QUOTE=Halls]I don't hate my husband, I'm just always angry with him. I'm not sure why but never thought of it as seeing him as a wimp because he won't stand up to me. Is this a serious question?[/QUOTE]


Halls, of course this is a serious question! People get really irritated with people who don't stand up for themselves. I think that many Americans really admire independent and strong people and when a person leans on us too much by not being independent it irritates us.
Ok, many things to address here.

Yes, I have other things in my life that are wrong with my health wise that I cannot conquer and not sure some of them I ever will, but still trying. I believe that this causes me to take my frustration out on my husband much more than if I was ok.

I married my husband because I loved him but we did have trouble from the get go because I miscarried twice and than had a rough pg with our son and ended up falling into deep depression, so it hasn't been easy. We have come through a lot.

As far as my husband being independant I don't believe he is that much. He does lean on me and depend on me a lot. There are things about him I'd wish he'd do that he won't do. He doesn't have any friends cept one outside of our family. He is vert attached to me and and no, not very independant at all. It isn't that I want him to be less attached to me, but I would like to see him want to do things without me sometimes. He also has no desire to do anything other than what he is doing yet he knows he can't do what he is doing till retirement age. When we first got married he said he was going to look to do something different when he turned 35 and now he is 40 still working the same job going nowhere. He cannot move up, grow, get anywhere, and it is the same job he has had since he was 23. He wants to badly to provide for us but can't. I just got my real estate license this past year and joined a Broker, but haven't really worked at it yet. But he doesn't want me to work at all and wants me to take care of me. He wants to be the HERO but he refuses to do anything about it. I don't ask him to be the HERO for me, this is what he says he wants. It is hard to understand him. He also thinks I'm going to leave him and take off with some other man when I have never cheated, thought about cheating, look at another man, or anything, He is so insecure it drives me nuts!

As far as not finding my husband attractive. Yes there are times I'm not attracted to him and than there are times I am. I go back and forth with my feelings for him and it mostly fallas around my menstral cycle when this happens.

Anyhow, we had a long talk about things last night and he realizes ther eare many other factors contributing to why I'm angry with him right now. I'm making an appointment with my doctor to get back on a antidepressent again and than make an appointment with a Pyschologist. No marriage is perfect but I refuse to just give up on us as I do not believe divorce will fix everything cause I think it may just make things worse.
I don't believe that somebody should push somebody's limits to see if he/she can stand up for himself/herself. Unfortinately it happened and people in any culture dislike you if you can't. I would say that society here overall is kinder than my ex-country.
My dh also many years at the same job which doesn't provide much and that is fear that it can come to the end and he doesn't have any other skills.
I can't say I was happy with it at the beginning but I've learned to accept it, he is a good father, doing a lot around the house and have other good qualities.
May be you should have good talk to your husband and see if you can accept him for what he is. Be honest to yourself, you have 2 kids and health problems, do you think that it will be realistic for you to meet somebody better who would want to marry you and be good father to your kids?
[QUOTE=Halls]My husband will never leave me no matter what I do cept cheating(which I have no interest in). For the most part he is miserable too because I spend most of the time treating him like crap. We fight all the time and I know most of it is my fault or I start it.[/QUOTE]

Believe me, your husband may well leave you if you continue to show your contempt for him in this manner. People think they can predict future behaviour from past behaviour, but one thing about humans is how unpredictable even the most predictable of us can be (if that makes sense!). It's amazing the amount of abuse some people will put up with but almost always there comes a time when enough is enough and the 'worm turns'. I have seen this happen time and again in relationships: one partner calls the shots, treats the other like dirt, complacently believing the meeker half of the couple will never have the guts to leave, but then, often completely out of the blue, the abused partner ups and leaves. There will be someone out there who could make your husband happy, who could accept him for what he is rather than bemoan what he isn't, who would be happy just to be with him rather than see him as someone to take their own frustrations out on. Someday he could meet this person, then your complacency will be brutally shattered.

In a nutshell, if you value your marriage at all then please sit down and think seriously about how you can protect it. Look at your husband's good points, he's certainly got plenty as he has stayed with you so far in spite of your behaviour towards him. But DO NOT bank on his 'insecurity' as your insurance against him leaving at some point in the future. Underneath his timidity and insecurity is a man looking for love and acceptance and if he doesn't find it with you he may well find it with someone else.
Agree with the previous person. You may find yourself with a person who are rude and abusive towards you and regret not having your current husband. I saw movie on that topic, movie is a movie but still..
My mother in low said very right thing to me: "Everything perfect can be only in your dreams". I remembered it when I wish my dh to have better career and so on.





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