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Anger Management Message Board

Anger Management Board Index

Family in trouble
Apr 3, 2007
This is my first post on this board and I'm not even sure if this is the right place. I am a married father of 25 years with 3 great kids and a couple of pets. From the outside we would seem to be the perfect family but behind closed doors it is anything but (very dysfunctional). I am not a perfect person. I try to be a good dad and husband. Our kids lack for very little. there have been some issues with our oldest child (illegal dug use, lack of respect etc.) but we are working this out. The problem is my wife has a real problem with controlling her anger. She is a Type A personality, a constant worrier, perfectionist. She is constantly at either myself or the kids for one thing or another. If we defy her or try to stand up to her she goes into a rage, sometimes physical. Whenever we have said that there is a problem about this she turns it around and says we are the ones with the problem not her. I try to shield the kids as much as possible and it results in masssive fights. Now that the kids are getting older and standing up to her there is nothing but constant friction. Our sex life is nil. People outside the home think she is a wonderful person and she can be. She is a hard worker at work and in the home and and is in a job where she expends her emotonal quota there and has none left when she gets home. I could go on but for now would like some advice on how to handle this situation before the whole thing implodes and there will be nothing left for any of us. The kids have already told me that they are making plans to get out of the house for good when they are old enough.
Well, at first blush this seems more like a problem you'd see in a man (sorry guys) since in men you more often see anger as the emotion they will be most comfortable channeling. Women tend to be more manipulative, or will cry,or use guilt, as those tend to be the more female ways of controlling people. Rage in a woman is scary--in my opinion. You said nothing of her growing up life or what may be contributing to her inability to act in an appropriate manner now. But if has been going on for 25 years, it's her dynamic and it's working for her and she's not going to change w/o some serious intervention. You can take the kids & leave. Leave her & refuse to go back until she sees how things really are& accepts counseling/help/medication/whatever. Video tape her when she's in a rage and let her watch it. Let her know you won't take this behavior. Let the kids have their voice, too. The fact they can't wait to get out of the house is sad. She's probably feel terrible if she knew.
I can say this with all my heart because I went thru a similar (tho not nearly so bad) situation with my husband who never learned any other emotion but anger. He HAD to learn how to be nice, (and he is a nice man), but he needed to be taught how to not channel every other emotion other than "happy" into anger. And he did, but he had to work on it. I would NOT let him yell at or hit our kids, he could not yell at me, he could not rule the house with anger--we settled that out in the very first few years of marriage. I can't imagine 25 years of it. Stand up, be tough and claim your family.

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