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Anger Management Message Board

Anger Management Board Index

no... it is not a different romance. we arent together but for some reason it seems like it. i am trapped.

self-disgust and self-hatred... thats interesting. i dont know where this raging anger came from. like i broke things off with him and then i started to see another guy, and i always thought about HIM. so i stopped seeing the other guy. i didnt feel that it was fair. i dont know what im doing to myself. but everything is becoming so hard for me. im sitting here trying to study for my math final and i forgot about everything ive learned and i am ANGRY. i felt like i was mad at the world. it just builds up in my chest, i can feel in now as im typing. i dont know what to do with myself. right now im just NOT HAPPY. but other times i am. i can be happy one day, rate the happiness like a 16 out of 1-10 yet then another day i can be furious and ill rate the happiness like -6 from scale 1-10. so its like either im really happy, or im super pissed off.

i feel better now that i have typed that. but i dont know whats going on here. i know that he has a lot to do with either me being happy or pissed and its like, how did it get this way! sometimes i just dont care and it doesnt affect my mood, but then sometimes i am so angry i become psycho. by psycho i just mean like i cant control myself. i just want to scream and i want to cry. like its really really bad. this is so aweful to say... but when i hurt that bad i want to hurt him. and i dont like hurting anybody or anything! im usually a happy bright spirited person but then its like when im mad you better get outta my way. you know?
whats cabin fever?

maybe my problem is venting. if i have nowhere to let it out, where does it go? when im angry i cant let it out because i have no where to put it. but i cant just have a private diary because i want people to know how i feel. i want to be heard you know? do you think if i started some kind of public diary/journal on the interenet that could help me? i ask that because i feel a tons better after typing all this, and i know this is not a venting board so i cant do that here.

what do you suggest?

again you come to my rescue... :) your fabulous!
yeah... i am a pretty busy person, so its like when i have nothing to do im freaking out. i dont know if i really know how to relax.. like i use to go out all the time and party and let loose, i use to have so much fun. now im just blah. im boring. work & school is my life. i dont want to have nothing to do in the summer, which is why im taking a summer class.

i dont know why i bottle up my anger...yet i do think that the reason i have so much anger towards the bf is because we will get in a fight and never solve it. we have the worst communication EVER. sometimes we do fix it, but a lot of the times we just want to forget about what the problem was. but sometimes i just cant forget. i need it to be fixed. so the tension and the anger towards him builds and builds and builds. and when i explode its uncontrolable. very depressing.
i dont want to be one of those girls that blame everything on themself... so just a question... do you think I AM the problem here? am i just so self-centered i dont care about anything else? or like...what do you think?
you see, because i dont think im selfish. i dont feel that i only think about me me me. i dont even know how to make myself happy. i just know that when im sad, i cry. i know when im angry i want to scream AND i want to cry. actually i cry a lot. that seems to be the only way i "let it out". sometimes i just cry and i dont even know where it came from.
this bf of mine surrounds himself with alcoholics because they all grew up together. before i even met him he was a raging alcoholic. hes slowed down quite a bit since we got together. but he still knows that i dont like him being around those people. its not even that i dont like them, they are nice people i just dont like the kind of influence they put on him! if he were to hang out with them, and not [I]have[/I] to drink everytime then there would be no issue, you see what im saying?

i think the shopping addiction is because its something that makes me happy. all these new clothes, and new shoes.... make me happy. maybe like it relieves the pain/anger/hurt/etc. for a little while. does that make sense?
counseling eh? i can barely afford things i have now. thats going to be impossble.

one thing i have to admit is adderall xr increased my hosility and agression by a HUGE amount... im officially no longer taking adderall (as of today, i went and spoke to my dr today) SO maybe things will get better. i dont know. im suppose to research the adhd meds and tell my dr which one seems right for me but... i dont know. adderall changed my whole being and i really think they are all going to be like that.

i have no stored anger in my chest today. i am just sleepy. thank you guys for the posts.

i dont know what to say about the bf. i know ya'll are giving me your advice and i know that i probably shouldnt be with him, but he is the guy that i love. i love him more than i can ever imagine. and i dont want to be with anybody else.
Seraph you read my posts from before and you are aware of what kind of behavior i was dealing with, but that was what... march? so i will say that he is making noticable progress and improvement compared to the way he was.
i think i may direct my anger towards him because maybe theres nobody/nothing to take it out on? i may put up with a lot from him, but he puts up with a lot from me as well. i mean, he deals with this anger of mine, my random moodiness, snappiness, spoiled, demanding... im not all those at once. man that would be a freakin migrane but he does stick around and i can be a hard female to deal with when im in my own world.

something i will say though. us women expect to find a perfect man. i can describe that in so many words, but ill keep this simple.
men and women are both human, neither one of us are perfect. so that means BOTH SEXES do things to make each other mad, and we BOTH do make stupid mistakes.

this bf of mine has made his mistakes, and he is still learning but he is human, and he is far from perfect. it takes some longer than others to just GET IT. so i am not going to act like i am this innocent girl that stays with this "jerk" for no reason. i have made my share of mistakes, and i have learned from them. yet i still make mistakes in the relationship. he has made mistakes and he is learning from them as well. it may not be the fastest progress but he is making progress and i know that it takes time. about the alcoholic friends of his... he grew up with them. they have been his friends for 20 years. there is no way i can sit here and be that selfish telling him who he can and cant be friends with. so he is going to start controling his alcohol intake. and thats the only thing i can ask for, without being inconsiderate and selfish.
so. theres my little speech.

now if he wasnt making any progress then i wouldnt feel the way that i do. but relationships arent easy. to me its about wanting to work things out. if its something you both want, why cant it be worked out?

i am not angry today. and that feels good. :)

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