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[QUOTE=Sannah;3372168]Tizzy are you feeling bad (as you described above) because you are letting all of this story out or did you feel like this before (or a different sort of bad)? No, I'm not getting bored![/QUOTE]

Hi sorry i havnt been on to reply to you sannah, i have been in the middle of some tough stuff with my daughter today and had to deal with it very carfully, so as i didnt explode! hopefully i have done it in the right way.

Sannah i have always wanted to let this story out, i have never before and i have thought about these things for the last few years every single day. I have never spoken of some of these things to anyone and it feels good letting everything out so the badness what im feeling is kida a relese and actully helping me piece a few things together that are happening in my life at present, like me always arguing with my other half. I have had time to reflect on some of the stuff i have written and im begining to understand things better then i ever have before. For example it has been killing me not noing why im always flipping out at my boyfriend all the time. When i read back all i had written yesterday it clicked in my head that my boyfriend had opened up a big can of worms for me when i first met him by what he thought would help me get back in contact with my B&S. After we had been together for about a year he started cheating on me with other women in the same town, i think he had lost respect for me seeing how my family were and how i was so insecure about things because of this. I found out he had done this with 3 different girls right on my door step. We had been together 4 yrs before i started to find out these things, in the process he had tryed to make me think i was mental and paronoied if i accused him of things even if they were obvious, at one stage i was so depressed and thought i was going so mad i went into a hospital for a few days. Another story. We split for a while but still had sex and then i found out he had been seeing another girl that had befriended me and he was seeing her for over a year. He uses cocain that has now become a habbit and he blamed all of that onto him being young at the time and just having fun. He came back to me a year and half ago, telling me how much he loved me and how sorry he was for everthing and hed never ever do anything like this again coz he no's how much he hurt me and everyone involved. I gave into him again and we are still together now. Im scared everytime he goes out my door that he is cheating, i question him all the time. We never go out together anywhere at all. He goes out with his mates who were once mine and coz they knew all about what he was doing to me i havnt spoken a word to any of them scince coming on to 2 years now. So now he hangs out with them and goes out to see them every nite when he finishes work. If he is not with them then he is on the phone to them. Hes a only child and he lives at home with his parents so its hard to sort things out propley all the time coz runs home to mummy. He uses that drug i dont care to mention again, i no he wants to stop and it gets him down but he makes no efforts to doso even when people are running round coz they think he is ill doing everything they can for him. The only thing thats wrong with him is that he is coming down off hes drugs. He is hardly ever at mine anymore coz i wont have it around my daughter so every night when he finishs work hell go do hes drugs then phone me say do you want me to come round. Ill say have you done any of that, hell say yes and ill say well no i dont want you round then. Its like that day in day out it has been for almost a year now. When he is with me its like hes itching to get away all the time, or his phone is ringing off with his mates askin him to go out or what you upto! He recently a few weeks before christmas went to india for a holiday with 8 lads supposidley, ill never no if any of the girls went coz i dont talk to um, aint seen no pictures and never will i expect. Anyway when he came back he was so over nice and told me he wanted a baby and all this yada yada yada. He was lovely coming upto christmas, i asked him a few questions but really want to trust he didnt get upto anything this time.
So christmas came and went i tryed to hold it down every time he called me and said im just popping out for a bit then ill be there ok. Then the other day id just new in my heart that all this nice ness was just because he didnt want any ear ach about him going out over christmas and new year, nothing had changed at all everything was still the same really he had just sucked me in by being nice. I didnt even realise i hadnt been out with my mates not once over christmas just sat in and waited for him every night and didnt go out. He had not even invited me out for one drink at all with him over christmas or did he make a effort to even bother to get half dressed to come and see me. I thought about all this and didnt want a big row over it so he came to mine for the night one night and coz he wernt allowed to do any of that **** in here it made him quite uncomftble i could tell. He is obviously dependant on it. I didnt get any sleep most of the night coz of him figgiting he couldnt sleep obviouly coz of th crap! So when i woke in the morning i was not in a good mood at all. My daughter had to go out coz she has got more of a scoial life thne me. While she was getting ready and eating her breakfast and stuff he said ok im ready to go home now i need to straighten my back out coz of that bed. We both no he never got no sleep coz he couldnt get comftable other things on his mind! So i dropped her off at a mates then came back and drop him off home. thank god! Before i got out of the car i tryed to talk to him and i said why did you come to my house if you felt like that yesterday, i could see what you were like and you should not have come,infact i even told him not to bother coming if he felt like he looked. He replyed your right i wish id have just stayed in my bed. At this
point i was getting a bit wound up to be honsets you no i still had all that stuff about not going out myself and nothing changin in my head azwell. He was gonna just get out the car and expect me to sweep things under the carpet again so i said ' Dont get out the car for a minuet i just wanna talk to you. He went bizerk and slammed the door shut again saying. *** do you have to do this when we come to my house for. where the **** did he want me to do it at the house infront of my daughter? twat! If he wernt in such a bleedin rush to go home we could have spoken about it after i had dropped my lill one off.!!!! Aint that the adult thing to do? So whilst he was saying why do we have to talk about this now hes mum pulled up on the drive way. I kept repeting myself saying i dont want to row i just want to no why you say all these thingsd you dont mean and disrepect me in certian ways time after time. Then just as i see his mum getting out the car and walking towards us he starts swearing quite loUdly as his mum knocked the window to just ask if me and my daughter had had a nice christmas coz they had'nt seen us. I hadnt even had chance to give them there prestents coz i had been so busy rushing around working over christmas to savor every penny left over after getting my daughters gifts. Id worked extra had so i could give him more then half ov his money he needed for a tv he seen and said he wanted coz his other one is comeing to a end. He didnt no this, but i had almost saved up enough to buy it completly for him but i didnt manage to go and get the day i was suppose to coz other commitment i had at work. Thank lord i didnt waste my money on him this time.... I spent alot of money i didnt have on him plenty of times in the past and look how i got repayed for my kindness! Im gonna decorate all my upstairs with the money i saved coz i no this is gonna put a real smile on my face not coz of noing he daint get the telly i aint that sad , but coz its somthing i need to do for myself and somthing that will show me i can have a bit of somthing nice if i put in the hard work. Not that i fully believe that!, with the way the system works in this country, If you start with nothing then mess up with things through not really having guidance in life then the struggle to cathh up and work hard in order to pay off debts and keep in the rules of the system. It dont matter how hard i work ive never got much coz the more money i earn the more they take off me by the time you get out of one debt your borrowing to get out of another it bloody hard and a right friggin loada bollocks especially for singel mums or singel dads the same way! Fathers can go free and do what the hell they like while the bloody mothers struggle to keep to a system! not good. Especially for us that work so flipping hard....... Off that sorry distracted me lol .......

Anyway back to him and his mum, i think she felt the tention and walked away into the house leaving us to it. All i said next was why did you have to say the for and start swearing making it look all bad. Then he said here we Fing go again, just coz you woke up in a bad mood again today your trying to take it out on me im not listening to this Bo**ocks! That was it the that when i totally flipped my lidtop, i swaer to this day i was looking for no argument and i was not looking to get angry and lose my head like i did next..... He got out the car there and then and slamed my door, i was so angry and frustratied i was kickikn hard on my excellorator, got out my car kicked the side and dented it, Then when i tryed to drive it i couldnt some mad lock was on the wheels i must have bashed it so hard on the peddels with my feet. I was furious somthing i had tryed to be so calm about just thrown in my face! thats how i felt. I drove home so angry afer finally getting the car to work and him saying i couldnt leav it at his house and get a taxi home. I drove home in first gear all the way the my cousin had th come round and have a look at it, how embarresing i never told him what i did just said i reved it a bit to hard a few times. He could see that i was upset by my eyes, kept asking if i was ok but just like always i said yeah im fine just tired and got a bad cold!!!
Few hours after i had been crying and throwing things round at home out of anger, but i didnt call him or text him just ride it out on my own.... Id just started to calm down and think maybe it wernt as bad as i thought coz our rows normally ended alot worse then that with me saying the nasty'st things you ever heard and both of us crying mostly coz of thing ive said to him just coz the things hes done to me! Just as i calmed down my phone had a message, this is what it said......
Im going out for a bit in a bit is that a problem or are you ok with that!!!!!! Oh dear, i totally lost it, i called him asking if the messege i had recieved was a joke after all that **** earlier he didnt want to got to his bed he wanted to go get changed to go out with hes mates! I felt like he was totally taking the iss out of me. I was so angry i couldnt say anything else and put the phone down for a minuet.totally dismanteled my brcelet i was trying to put on at the time i got the message. Left it for a few minuets then called him back again screaming down the phone as loud as i could i no half i was saying he couldnt hear, he said you would say all this now im out wouldnt you! i wouldnt have come out if you didnt want me to id have stayed at home. This made me even worse, he said to me what do you want me to do your acting like a crazy ***** again! I said ok then you just come to mine and we will sort this out. It took him ages to arrive, i even called him at one point to say dont bother coming just stay where you are but he said he had already ordered a taxi and was on his way. By the time he got here i was explosive it was only going to take one word then i was gonna explode i knew it! Thats excactly what happened evertime i tryed talking to him he just kept saying, what do you want me to say what do you want me to do? i said i want you to tell me why we are arguing again and why all this **** keeps coming up. Its you im not doing anything he said. He said i admit i was in the wrong last night i admit i shouldnt have come here and made you feel uncomftuble like that, but all of this just because of that you are loosing it again! He just didnt get it at all! and everytime all he says to put things right is im sorry i no what things are like and im gonna make more of a effort with you, i love you, i want noone else but you. But he says i cant go through this with you you lose your head and i dont want that around me! lmao i lost it even more then for i felt the cheak he was trying to twist round and make me feelbad and guilty! For what???????? I dont remember much that was said after that i just lost total control of my body and kicked in the door in the living room. Then i drove him home cryied my hesrt out then came on the computer and written everything on here ever scince. I aint heard nothing from him and i dont think im going to because he is just all about him self right now.....

I no what your all thinking and i wish i knew, i wish i new why the hell i still cant let this man go out of my life, everytime i think about not having him in my life at all i get scared thinking im gonna be on my own again. Even though i no i dont have trouble picking men up at all and i have a lot of male friends in my life always have. I just feel like i cant let him go and i feel like ill be left on the shelf. I think every women wants a man in her life, for the nice things, im sure all you women no what i mean there. Dont get me wrong when i say sitting on the shelf i dont mean be lonley not in the lonley way where as id have noone coz, with the way i am as a person im never alone i always got people nocking at my door and always having invites to go places and do things, i just never feel like going anywhere and doing anything right now coz i feel a mess not only in my apperencer even though i scrub up well before i go out the door thats all surface bull crap and im a mess inside, you were right when you said i was a sprirtual child i was and im a very spiritual adult and i truley believe he is killing my spirit on purpose sometimes. But i no i let him, but dont no why i let him? With everything else i seem so strong its him that gets it the worse out of everyone, he gets all my anger all the time. He tells me im lucky hes still there coz any other man wouldnt put up with it. I believe this i really do. Dont blame anyone but myself either coz i now about my temper and im learning alot right now about where it has come from. So i bet your thinking now so whats the link with her fella, well i think he made me feel so special when i first met him and i let him no all my secrets and dark things about my life, he made me feel love for the first time like i had never felt before. I trusted him and i think i partly resent him opening up that can of worms bout my family coz he hasnt been there to support me through the rest of it, he never asks me anything at all about it anymore for a long long time. He made so many plans and promises to me and broke every single one of them one by one. I suppose i never forgave him deep down either for the things he did, and struggle trusting him again. So i think that the more and more this unfolds im getting somewhere in every aspect. Im not a stupid women really, i may be where men are concerned but i believe im quite strong really. I no i should not be in this place with him right now and we should just let each other go, why is it so hard why cant we both just break it off? i no he feels the same to, its so bloody hard aint it.?

Cant write anymore tonight, im shattered. At least you now no when i found this site this is where all my anger came from in the start of this thread.
And thanks for keep reading coz it makes me want to come back and keep going. Ive never found such a powerful way to make me think. When i read back on this it was like someone else wrote it and i can seeand understand things a bit better.........

Night night sleep tight xxx

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