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Anger Management Message Board

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Back yet again, feel like totally ending it all today, im lowest of the low today. I have woken this morning in the same foul mood. Shouted nd screamed at my daughter over the smallest of things. Ended up both crying, i calmed her down apoligised and took her to her friends for the day. Got home and called the doctor for a appointment to see him, i never ever wanted to go on anti depressants again after last time it took me a long time to get off them and thats all the doctor keeps offeing me. Im gonna have to by the looks of it i cant go on feeling like this everyday its bringing me to another level what IS depression! Ive not slep proply for days now, and got this burning sensation in my tummy constantly, i cant eat and have a major head ach that i cant seem to shift. I dont feel tired at all i feel wired like i have been on somkinda anphetamine or somthing, surly its not normal to feel this way!

So where was i anyway oh yeah, my boyfriends folks invited us to blackpool to stay at a caravan site just over the road from the estate where my b&s lived. I couldnt wait i was all excited again. Got all mine and my daughters stuff ready, pulled out a few family photos and we were on our way....
The first day we reached there, i couldnt wait so i asked my Bf mum if she would keep a eye on my lill one for half hour so i could firstly go over and see if everything was ok, i didnt want to take her there and for them to turn us away infront of her..
As me and my fella drove round the corner of the estate that day i had a horrid feeling this time not a feeling of excitement atall my tummy was in bits and i felt like crying before i even got to the door. We reached i went to the door this time my bf came with me, i could here voices and laughter, very different from all those years ago. I nocked the door and a little girl answered about the same age as my daughter i new this was my brothers child she had grown so much and when i looked into her eyes i could see parts of myself staring back at me. She didnt even recognise me as her aunt i dont think she just shouted after her dad, my brother. My brother came to the door and looked horrified to see me, he looked behind me asif he was expecting my father to walk up the path. I said dont worry im on my own. He sharply glarred at me and said. What do you want here? My heart dropped into my stomach and i felt my eyes fill up with tears, i fetl my boyfriend sqeeze my hand as to say keep calm. I just wanted to see you all and no how you were, i have missed you all so much, can i come in so we can talk??? No he said your not welcome here, i dont think anyone will be pleased to see you. Has he sent you? No i replyed im staying over at the caravan park where we used to play as kids in my bf parents caravan, i went on to tell him i had come before when i was over but there was noone in. He told me that i could try and come back later after he has spoken to everyone else, to see how they feel about seeing me. His word were we will have to call in a meeting to see what everyone thinks about you coming here, you may cause alot of bad feeling! I swallowed hard and said ok thats fine, i dont want to cause any trouble for any of you, i am not here because of father i am here because i want to see all of you. At that he shut the door and we got back into the car and drove back to the caravan. I was so upset i could hardly breath it was like some one had a elastic band round my lungs, i couldnt even speak i just cryed hard. My bf put his arms round me and said, dont worry bab everything might be ok when we go back.
I couldnt concertrait on anything else all day, it was like waiting for a prison sentence.
The time came to go back and i was more terrified of what they were gonna say then even the fear of my dad. The worst thing that could have happened , happened. I knocked the door and my brother answered, he did not smile or crack his face at all. He looked at me and said no on wants to see you i have spoken to them and they said no. At this point i could feel the blood and anger filling inside me. Why not i said what have i done? he replyed we just dont want anyone outside of our circle in our life anymore, we dont need you! I just want to see you i said please dont do this to me, can i see my sister please i havnt seen her for so long i just want to look at her. He shouted her name and told her to come to he door.. The reply was sick! I dont want to see her she said tell her to piss of she is extended family and i dont want to see her! I closed my eyes bit my bottom lip and walked away from the door. I heard my bf say thanks for the help to my brother and he followed me. I heard the door slam shut and then i broke down. What had i done? why was they some angry with me? Why was this so difficult for me to handle>? The next day because my fella new how upset i was he took me to see the others again in preston, it made me smile for a few hours but didnt take away the pain from the previous day. I came home that weekend thinking im still not gonna give up on this, surly one day the will want to see me or come looking for me? They will never no how much that day broke my heart because i will never get a chance to see them.
I didnt give up, i just left things for a while, then i made another journey to blackpool and ill tell you all about next episode. Today writing this i have had so many feelings and emotions, it really upset me writing this, bought back all of those feelings again, but better out then in thats what mi nan says......

Hope yall aint getting to bored with me xxxx

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