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Anger Management Message Board


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Ok so im on day four now and its supposedly a happy new year. Hope you all had a good night last night. I loaded myself with valium and slept the whole night away lol! Just wish i didnt have to wake up today in this same house same flippin routine!!!! Had no calls or messeges off my so called BF, still nothing! If anyone asked me today how do you feel i would definatley say depressed with anger brewing underneath!!
Not only him but everything in my sorry little life right now seems to be going from bad to worse. I wish i could learn to let things go instead of walking round with this feeling all the time i hate it!

Today should be a day for family right? well i have told you all about my violent dad. Because of him i dont get to see half of my family. They wont have anything to do with me because i speak to him, little do they no i only speak to my dad to get information about them. So were back to this again....

After i left my fathers house that day so long ago in blackpool. I never knew until years later i found out the day that i left my father beat both of his women and one of my brothers got it really bad too. This was because of me.
I feel awful coz when i was leaving i promised to keep intouch with my b&s and i didnt. I think i wrote one letter with photos, im sure they never recieved it. I do no though that my mother wrote father a letter saying lots of bad things that she must have wanted to get off her chest for many years. Years later it came to light that that letter also caused beatings and violents.
Years passed and i never heard anything from any of them not even father.
by this time i had had my daughter and done alot of living and growing up.
I tryed making contact with my dad, i wanted my little girl to meet her aunts and uncles. He did welcome us and we went to hes for the weekend. My eldest brother had also had a baby a little girl. So it was really nice to see everyone again.
They had all grown up even though i could still feel the fear in them. Being carful what they said and did while he was around. I can just remember him cutting the lorn while the kids were actully playing for once in the garden. He my father seemed to be tearful. When i asked one of his women what was wrong with him she said 'he is overwhelmed with his grandchildren' Huh! he wernt gonna get one minuet alone with my daughter!. They explained to me how he had changed and that things had been ok for a while. So that weekend stay was kinda a quiet one. I still did not feel comfatuble enough to be myself or let my daughter run around being herself. I could tell by peoples reactions to things if somthing was wrong the didnt have to say a word only giv a certan look. On my third day there i was starting to feel restless, in my heart i just wanted to ask him why he was the way he was with us.. I knew i could never ask those questions.
That day i had a call from my friend saying her and my other mate were coming over to blackpool for the day they said if i wanted i could come home with them instead of my dad making 2 journeys to take us home and drive back again. So thinking this would be easier i said yes. They came and got us and bought us home. I felt no way about it at all and tought it was all cool.

I had a call from father when i got back a few days later telling me what a selfish person i was and how much i had upset my B&S going home that day, he called me a pig and said i was no daughter of hes! I didnt sleep for a few nights after that thinking how this could have caused him to be violent to them again.
More years passed by and then i recived news that my fathers grandmother had died, she lived quite close to me so i seen her as often as i could, along with some cousins i seen now and again and my fathers brother, whom i always wished was my own father.
Arrangements where made for the funeral and the day had come to put my great grandmother to rest. I was late attending the church because of my partner being such a drip at driving and he took us to the wrong church. When we arrived grandma was being buried. I was so upset that i had missed it. I looked around at my brothers and sisters and none of them would even look at me. The rest of the service finished and we all made our way to the wake. When we got there dad had already arrived and seated, there were 2 seats left on that table and being his daughter i thought that the seats were for me and my partner. The feeling of hate and anger that day could almost be touched in the air. Not one of my brothers and sisters spoke a word to me and he didnt even look at me. It was horrible and trying to deal with the loss of nan azwell, i was bubbleing inside my feet were itching to go. I dont no how i managed to sit there until the end it was crusifing. All my B&S looked so scared to even speak to eachother. I made a effort to speak to them but it was made very clear the were not allowed to talk to me. That night i went home and sobbed and sobbed, for losing the love of my grandmother and i also felt i had lost the love of my B&S's. There was nothing in my power i could do, there was no way at all i could get to talk to them to tell them i loved them. Mostly there was nothing i could do to save them. I never tryed to contact any of them again after that day i thought it just pointless and all my efforts did was break my heart more.
I think it was around 3 yrs later i took my mother to see my dads brother coz the hadnt spoken for years. He wernt the one that really did the talking anyway it was his wife. Her and my mum got on well always did, so when they met up it was like they had 15 years to catch up on. To be honest i wish i wernt there coz i heard all the stories that day of my mum getting battered by father at nightclubs in carparks, shopping centers. In great detail. I think even mother herself had forgotten some of it. My aunt then went quiet and asked us if we had heard the damage father had done to my sister for not passing her tests at school. No was our reply we hadnt heard anything for years. She went on to tell us that he had beaten my sister so badly she was in intensive care for some time. At this point i got out of the chair and ran to the toilet to be sick. I remember mum coming in rubbing my back asking if i was ok. I turned to her and asked why and how he could do these things, i thanked her at that point for not letting me live like that. She held me tight and said NO ONE should have to live like that. NO ONE! At that moment i didnt quite no how to feel one part of me thought thanks to mum for getting me away and the other part wished i could have been there maybe i could have done somthing to stop it.
Back in the living room my auntie said to me you can go upstairs with your cousins if you like you dont have to sit through this. I felt like a little girl again, but no i said to myself im a big women an i need to no i need to here this and respond to it i think i was about 25 or 26 at the time. She carried on with the grusum story about my sister, this time her mother had finally got an injunction out on him to prevent him going with in yards from them. Because she had done that the other one of his women were very close to eachother, (if you remember i said previously they were eachothers support system). She also had the same injunction out on him. This was such a positive thing i slightly smiled, thinking at last they are free! I also wondered why i had heard nothing from my eldest brother telling me about this or just calling me to say he had gone from there life. I questioned my aunt and asked if she had heard anything from my B&S's. She said no and tryed to explaine to me that they were prob to terrified to talk to anyone right now that associated him with them. I understood this kinda, but was upset as to why noone had been intouch. As far as my aunt knew they hadnt seen him for several years, and had barley had any contact with him therselfs.
All that was running through my mind now was, i hope they really messed him up and i hope the police locked him up. I still dont no the ins and outs weather he got locked up or if the story was correct or what happened i dont think i ever will no.

I left it for another year, nothing! I had now meet my current partner who came and swept me off my feet showed me love i had never felt, as my previous relationships with men had ended up violent. This is another story i aint going into at this point. But yeah he came and saved my heart, i really thought he was or is the one, so gental loving and all the things i needed in a man!!!! He got to no me pritty well quite quickly and he was very interested in my past sittuation, he questioned me all the time about it and tryed to get me to deal with it by firstly taking me to see some other brothers and sisters from my father over in preston nr blackpool, there were another 2 women that way that had children from him 2 of them i had never met and were still very young, the one women took father in after everything that he had done or she didnt no what hed done at the time. This women had 3 children at the time off him youngest being 3 yrs now she would be 10yrs old....
Anyway, when we got there it didnt take me long to realise she was in a serious sittuation with him herself, i dont think it was as bad for her as the others to any extent, one because i new her brother was a police officer so im sure that somwhere he would have been reall carful to where his anger led with her. Thats what i thought!..... My visit there was lovely to be fair, my boyfriend said he had never seen me happier he could tell in my face he said how much i care about them. I didnt get to see father and i was bloody glad to be reall coz after all these years and all those feelings i wouldnt have known how i would of reacted and i was my own women now with a child and my partner, he could not have made me feel the way he once used to. Scared like a tourcherd little animal!
More time went past after our visit and my father had anounced to my uncle that he had got married, thus to his most recent women who was barley a few years older then me. Remember thinking what a big mistake this women had made...
Not long after that i had a nock at my door! It was him, he was not alone either he had 2 very big black men with him one standing either side of him, **** a brick i thought what the hell is all this now had he finally come to kill me???? He smiled and cuddled me, he said i hope you dont mind me turning up like this with my friends but they have come to support me, i am trying to make amends with you my children....... HUH WHAT! am i dreaming this or is it reall, im gonna wake up in a minuet!
I invited them in being my polite self offered them all a stiff drink coz i needed one myself. His friends sat down in the living room while my dad summonds me to the kitchen. He told me he had just come back from Jamaica visiting his brother who he hadnt seen for 43 years! He told me my uncle was a well known preacher over there and his time there had made him realise the error of his ways and the things that he had done to effect other people. I couldnt believe i was hereing these things it was crazy. I thought this the perfect oppitunity to ask about my other brothers and sisters and if he had seen them. He said he didnt want to go into that right now and what was important was i forgave him for things he had done to me and that he had missed me being in his life and wanted to see his grandaughter grow up. This completley changed my mind set. He was trying to pull the wool over my eyes here! I said again very clearly 'do you see my B&S's he replied no i havnt seen them for 10 years, but i see some of them meaning the ones that lived in preston. I then went on to say why not, thinking he may say somthing truful, no not him hes just full of it. He made up a story telling me there mothers had done him out of alot of money and then got rid of him. To be honest i wasnt shocked at the crap coming from his mouth coz i had heard so much bull from him over the years i dont think he new hisself when he was telling the truth. I started to blank most of what came after that. After he left i thought of lots of different reasons why he would come to me that day and not them. The best reason i came up with was that, coz he didnt do as much physical damage to to as them i was a easy target for him, to try and minipulate into believeing his finding of God or the errors of his ways! Really he had other plans in his mind for me as i was about to find out in weeks to come........

Thanks for listening guys im gonna leave it here right now, ill come back and finish up later. Thank you for just letting me get this crap out and dont think i dont here your replys its just that by the time i come to reply there is so much other crap there.. I do appreciate your time you take out.
I think im gonna go and have me a big glass of baileys and watch tv for a while, whilst im feeling quite calm now.


Happy new year every one xxx





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