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Anger Management Message Board

Anger Management Board Index

[QUOTE=gina1064;3367190]Hi there, when you said "The last thing i want is my own daughter to hate me because of this and i think if it goes on much longer then it will effect her own life when she is older..... I have never been without this anger in my life its been there for as long as i can remember...." Well that says quite a bit!I've always been interested in the cycle of what gets passed down. If you notice most of us hang on to resentment (it appears we're locked into it so to speak)-but the chilling thing is, most will never examine themselves enough to go beyond recognizing it; but that means they won't be a contributor in their life time to arrest it. That's powerful.You don't seem to be concerned with just yourself here- the step in breaking it? I've dealt with anger as well and I can tell you that it is as damaging as any other problem no matter where it doesn't just wear off all by itself.
I happen to be writing... about my background (helps to understand it better?)...and this area or topic is pretty much what I have been zeroing in on. If you don't mind, the way I describe it is like a serum infused upon inception. If you look at it like this it may help to remove yourself from the hold we have on others. Maybe those who have refused to take responsibility back up on the chain for one reason or another found a battle too difficult or challenging? If you think for a moment it's simply easier to distract and spin things a bit than have to personally take responsibility? Well then you come along and your overwhelmed at sorting through the have to wade through it??? Your anger is in response to all this crap. Don't worry, there is hope but I've said enough for now...Gina-[/QUOTE]

Hi all and thanks all im shocked at my replys i thought id be waiting for weeks for even one...

Today has been a really bad one for me, i have caused a major row with my other half and kicked my door through in the living room, taken it off the hinges and thrown it outside! Although i no its a stupid thing to do and my own fault i still did it. I feel a little better anger wise but totally disgusted in my actions! How do i explain the missing door to my daughter when she comes home tommorow! I am such a idiot!

Gina, alot of what you said made me think deeply, i no i have alot of rooted problems that stem from even before i was born. My father was violent to my mother and all my other brothers and sisters. I am one of 15 children from my father.
My mother was one of 3 women when she met him and put up with alot from him. Fortunatley when i was 2 years old my mum was able to break free from him with me sitting on one knee and a carving knife in the other hand until the police came. Joke is when they did come they would not even arrest him until they seen him strike at my mother. We were both covered in blood my mums lip was split underneath where he had kicked her in the mouth and her teeth punctured threw her lip. For years after that i would not even be held by another man even my grandad whom i loved so dearly.
My mother re married and had other kids, the man she married never treated me like his own and did sick twisted stuff to me that i dont care to mention right now. From this i no that is where i started to go off rails and i suppose i was a angry child. I was Known as a bully at school and people feared me although i think i just stuck up for everyone that was beeing bullied i was branded one. I was always fighting and getting into trouble. When i was 14 my mum said she had, had enough and even though i had not seen my father for 12 years she called him, had him come pick me up and shipped me off to blackpool to live with him and 2 of his women and 7 of my other brothers and sisters. Ill never forget the fear and the silents that came over me on the drive there, somthing i could never put into words. When i got there it was like i was in somkinda other world. My father had told everyone i was not to be spoken to until the morning, showed me my room for the night and shut the door! i was terrified. All night i remember thinking 'hes gonna just come in and kick me about in a minuet' i finally got to sleep in the fetal position rocking until i driffted off. As soon as the light hit the curtians my eyes sprung open. I just waited to here some one else voice hopfully not my fathers. what was 10 minuets must hav felt like hours befor i heard a sound. I heard my little sister ask if it would be ok to see me now. 'Yes' my father replyed tell her to get a wash and show her how things work in the house. WOW i was shocked, maybe things will be ok??? There were rules and regulations in the house what we all had to stick to. Starting with mornings and going to the bathroom in order, keeping towels and flanels in order, washing in detol, making my bed folding my cloths, waiting for inspection before we could even go down stairs. Breakfast time was another set of rules, who sat where, who could eat what, who poured the milk, who washed the dishes, who scrubbed the floors.
On the first day i was there he had to go and work after breakfast.
As soon as every on was sure he had gone it was like everyone took a deep breath and said thank god for that. The sounds of laughter filled the room and my sisters and brothers jumped all over my loving me and fighting over my attention. My older brother told me to come upstairs so their mothers couldnt here what they were saying. They all sat me down and after asking me what i had done wrong at home they told me a few do's and dont's. They told me that dad had asked everyone to be ready tonight for the family meeting about me. They told me how he still beat them and things he did to their mums. Expectations he had from them. There was talk of another sister being close by but they had never meet her yet. I remember thinking to myself i wish i was a grown up so i could take them all away from these nasty things. I knew i could not stay in that house. The family meeting happened anyway and it wernt as bad as i thought just flarred nostrils from him and a slightly rased voice now and again but i think he controld his anger pritty well that day. A few days had passed and then another meeting was called i new this was gonna be a bad one i could see the fear in everyone. He had found out i had been to the phone box to keep begging my grandad to come fetch me. I dont no how he new but i just new it!
He sat me on a chair while everyone was in the room watching, he then got a stool and put it on both my feet and sat on it! He had a hammer in his left hand and his face was evil. Im not quite sure why but i was not frightend but i just felt as angry as he did. he shouted and yelled at me and then from nowhere i just started shouting and yelling back. Im not even quite sure what i said actully. Then he beat the hammer on both of my knees and after offered it to me in my hand. I grabbed it straight away then he yelled and what you gonna do with it!. At that point i turned around to everyone else they looked scared. 'Somthing was telling me right then to just hit him hard in the head with it then he wont cause anyone anymore pain. I looked him straight in the eye, he came right upto my face pointed to the side of his head and said go on if you think you can do it. I threw the hammer to the floor and ran out the house as fast as i could didnt look back just kept running towards the phone box. Phoned grandad and told him what happened just as id finished i heard his car pull up.. My gandad was on the way so i didnt care what he did now, i got in the car and he drove me back to his house, once again a fearful silence. I got back and said my grandads coming im getting my stuff. He didnt atempt to stop me but called me all the names under the sun. Grandad arrived with my stepdad, and my auntie in about 1hr flat. My dad invited them in like nothing had even happened, just kept saying if you take her now she will never learn and telling them they let me get away with to much. Grandad was as red as a tomatoe i could tell he just wanted to lash out but didnt coz of respect for the children present. That journey home i was when i realised that even though i had not grown up with him my father i had got somthing the other children hadnt and probly the worst thing possible his temper!

WOW just read over this and its such a short story to the years that have passed if you no what i mean, maybe this is where all my anger stems from really but how do i no where to begin to stop it?.. There is so much more to this little story that makes me angry just thinking about it.
Maybe this is a start, here on this thread if it is then i suggest you all keep your reading glasses to hand coz ill be here for bloody months lol.
Glad i found this site i think it may work better then my bloody doctor!

Feeling a bit better after this, but am very annoyed at what i have done to my door and my boyfriend probley wont speak to me for a week!

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