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[QUOTE=gina1064;3367190]Hi there, when you said "The last thing i want is my own daughter to hate me because of this and i think if it goes on much longer then it will effect her own life when she is older..... I have never been without this anger in my life its been there for as long as i can remember...." Well that says quite a bit!I've always been interested in the cycle of what gets passed down. If you notice most of us hang on to resentment (it appears we're locked into it so to speak)-but the chilling thing is, most will never examine themselves enough to go beyond recognizing it; but that means they won't be a contributor in their life time to arrest it. That's powerful.You don't seem to be concerned with just yourself here- the step in breaking it? I've dealt with anger as well and I can tell you that it is as damaging as any other problem no matter where it originates...it doesn't just wear off all by itself.
I happen to be writing... about my background (helps to understand it better?)...and this area or topic is pretty much what I have been zeroing in on. If you don't mind, the way I describe it is like a serum infused upon inception. If you look at it like this it may help to remove yourself from the hold we have on others. Maybe those who have refused to take responsibility back up on the chain for one reason or another found a battle too difficult or challenging? If you think for a moment it's simply easier to distract and spin things a bit than have to personally take responsibility? Well then you come along and your overwhelmed at sorting through the mess...you have to wade through it??? Your anger is in response to all this crap. Don't worry, there is hope but I've said enough for now...Gina-[/QUOTE]

Hi all and thanks all im shocked at my replys i thought id be waiting for weeks for even one...

Today has been a really bad one for me, i have caused a major row with my other half and kicked my door through in the living room, taken it off the hinges and thrown it outside! Although i no its a stupid thing to do and my own fault i still did it. I feel a little better anger wise but totally disgusted in my actions! How do i explain the missing door to my daughter when she comes home tommorow! I am such a idiot!

Gina, alot of what you said made me think deeply, i no i have alot of rooted problems that stem from even before i was born. My father was violent to my mother and all my other brothers and sisters. I am one of 15 children from my father.
My mother was one of 3 women when she met him and put up with alot from him. Fortunatley when i was 2 years old my mum was able to break free from him with me sitting on one knee and a carving knife in the other hand until the police came. Joke is when they did come they would not even arrest him until they seen him strike at my mother. We were both covered in blood my mums lip was split underneath where he had kicked her in the mouth and her teeth punctured threw her lip. For years after that i would not even be held by another man even my grandad whom i loved so dearly.
My mother re married and had other kids, the man she married never treated me like his own and did sick twisted stuff to me that i dont care to mention right now. From this i no that is where i started to go off rails and i suppose i was a angry child. I was Known as a bully at school and people feared me although i think i just stuck up for everyone that was beeing bullied i was branded one. I was always fighting and getting into trouble. When i was 14 my mum said she had, had enough and even though i had not seen my father for 12 years she called him, had him come pick me up and shipped me off to blackpool to live with him and 2 of his women and 7 of my other brothers and sisters. Ill never forget the fear and the silents that came over me on the drive there, somthing i could never put into words. When i got there it was like i was in somkinda other world. My father had told everyone i was not to be spoken to until the morning, showed me my room for the night and shut the door! i was terrified. All night i remember thinking 'hes gonna just come in and kick me about in a minuet' i finally got to sleep in the fetal position rocking until i driffted off. As soon as the light hit the curtians my eyes sprung open. I just waited to here some one else voice hopfully not my fathers. what was 10 minuets must hav felt like hours befor i heard a sound. I heard my little sister ask if it would be ok to see me now. 'Yes' my father replyed tell her to get a wash and show her how things work in the house. WOW i was shocked, maybe things will be ok??? There were rules and regulations in the house what we all had to stick to. Starting with mornings and going to the bathroom in order, keeping towels and flanels in order, washing in detol, making my bed folding my cloths, waiting for inspection before we could even go down stairs. Breakfast time was another set of rules, who sat where, who could eat what, who poured the milk, who washed the dishes, who scrubbed the floors.
On the first day i was there he had to go and work after breakfast.
As soon as every on was sure he had gone it was like everyone took a deep breath and said thank god for that. The sounds of laughter filled the room and my sisters and brothers jumped all over my loving me and fighting over my attention. My older brother told me to come upstairs so their mothers couldnt here what they were saying. They all sat me down and after asking me what i had done wrong at home they told me a few do's and dont's. They told me that dad had asked everyone to be ready tonight for the family meeting about me. They told me how he still beat them and things he did to their mums. Expectations he had from them. There was talk of another sister being close by but they had never meet her yet. I remember thinking to myself i wish i was a grown up so i could take them all away from these nasty things. I knew i could not stay in that house. The family meeting happened anyway and it wernt as bad as i thought just flarred nostrils from him and a slightly rased voice now and again but i think he controld his anger pritty well that day. A few days had passed and then another meeting was called i new this was gonna be a bad one i could see the fear in everyone. He had found out i had been to the phone box to keep begging my grandad to come fetch me. I dont no how he new but i just new it!
He sat me on a chair while everyone was in the room watching, he then got a stool and put it on both my feet and sat on it! He had a hammer in his left hand and his face was evil. Im not quite sure why but i was not frightend but i just felt as angry as he did. he shouted and yelled at me and then from nowhere i just started shouting and yelling back. Im not even quite sure what i said actully. Then he beat the hammer on both of my knees and after offered it to me in my hand. I grabbed it straight away then he yelled and what you gonna do with it!. At that point i turned around to everyone else they looked scared. 'Somthing was telling me right then to just hit him hard in the head with it then he wont cause anyone anymore pain. I looked him straight in the eye, he came right upto my face pointed to the side of his head and said go on if you think you can do it. I threw the hammer to the floor and ran out the house as fast as i could didnt look back just kept running towards the phone box. Phoned grandad and told him what happened just as id finished i heard his car pull up.. My gandad was on the way so i didnt care what he did now, i got in the car and he drove me back to his house, once again a fearful silence. I got back and said my grandads coming im getting my stuff. He didnt atempt to stop me but called me all the names under the sun. Grandad arrived with my stepdad, and my auntie in about 1hr flat. My dad invited them in like nothing had even happened, just kept saying if you take her now she will never learn and telling them they let me get away with to much. Grandad was as red as a tomatoe i could tell he just wanted to lash out but didnt coz of respect for the children present. That journey home i was when i realised that even though i had not grown up with him my father i had got somthing the other children hadnt and probly the worst thing possible his temper!

WOW just read over this and its such a short story to the years that have passed if you no what i mean, maybe this is where all my anger stems from really but how do i no where to begin to stop it?.. There is so much more to this little story that makes me angry just thinking about it.
Maybe this is a start, here on this thread if it is then i suggest you all keep your reading glasses to hand coz ill be here for bloody months lol.
Glad i found this site i think it may work better then my bloody doctor!

Feeling a bit better after this, but am very annoyed at what i have done to my door and my boyfriend probley wont speak to me for a week!
Back yet again, feel like totally ending it all today, im lowest of the low today. I have woken this morning in the same foul mood. Shouted nd screamed at my daughter over the smallest of things. Ended up both crying, i calmed her down apoligised and took her to her friends for the day. Got home and called the doctor for a appointment to see him, i never ever wanted to go on anti depressants again after last time it took me a long time to get off them and thats all the doctor keeps offeing me. Im gonna have to by the looks of it i cant go on feeling like this everyday its bringing me to another level what IS depression! Ive not slep proply for days now, and got this burning sensation in my tummy constantly, i cant eat and have a major head ach that i cant seem to shift. I dont feel tired at all i feel wired like i have been on somkinda anphetamine or somthing, surly its not normal to feel this way!

So where was i anyway oh yeah, my boyfriends folks invited us to blackpool to stay at a caravan site just over the road from the estate where my b&s lived. I couldnt wait i was all excited again. Got all mine and my daughters stuff ready, pulled out a few family photos and we were on our way....
The first day we reached there, i couldnt wait so i asked my Bf mum if she would keep a eye on my lill one for half hour so i could firstly go over and see if everything was ok, i didnt want to take her there and for them to turn us away infront of her..
As me and my fella drove round the corner of the estate that day i had a horrid feeling this time not a feeling of excitement atall my tummy was in bits and i felt like crying before i even got to the door. We reached i went to the door this time my bf came with me, i could here voices and laughter, very different from all those years ago. I nocked the door and a little girl answered about the same age as my daughter i new this was my brothers child she had grown so much and when i looked into her eyes i could see parts of myself staring back at me. She didnt even recognise me as her aunt i dont think she just shouted after her dad, my brother. My brother came to the door and looked horrified to see me, he looked behind me asif he was expecting my father to walk up the path. I said dont worry im on my own. He sharply glarred at me and said. What do you want here? My heart dropped into my stomach and i felt my eyes fill up with tears, i fetl my boyfriend sqeeze my hand as to say keep calm. I just wanted to see you all and no how you were, i have missed you all so much, can i come in so we can talk??? No he said your not welcome here, i dont think anyone will be pleased to see you. Has he sent you? No i replyed im staying over at the caravan park where we used to play as kids in my bf parents caravan, i went on to tell him i had come before when i was over but there was noone in. He told me that i could try and come back later after he has spoken to everyone else, to see how they feel about seeing me. His word were we will have to call in a meeting to see what everyone thinks about you coming here, you may cause alot of bad feeling! I swallowed hard and said ok thats fine, i dont want to cause any trouble for any of you, i am not here because of father i am here because i want to see all of you. At that he shut the door and we got back into the car and drove back to the caravan. I was so upset i could hardly breath it was like some one had a elastic band round my lungs, i couldnt even speak i just cryed hard. My bf put his arms round me and said, dont worry bab everything might be ok when we go back.
I couldnt concertrait on anything else all day, it was like waiting for a prison sentence.
The time came to go back and i was more terrified of what they were gonna say then even the fear of my dad. The worst thing that could have happened , happened. I knocked the door and my brother answered, he did not smile or crack his face at all. He looked at me and said no on wants to see you i have spoken to them and they said no. At this point i could feel the blood and anger filling inside me. Why not i said what have i done? he replyed we just dont want anyone outside of our circle in our life anymore, we dont need you! I just want to see you i said please dont do this to me, can i see my sister please i havnt seen her for so long i just want to look at her. He shouted her name and told her to come to he door.. The reply was sick! I dont want to see her she said tell her to piss of she is extended family and i dont want to see her! I closed my eyes bit my bottom lip and walked away from the door. I heard my bf say thanks for the help to my brother and he followed me. I heard the door slam shut and then i broke down. What had i done? why was they some angry with me? Why was this so difficult for me to handle>? The next day because my fella new how upset i was he took me to see the others again in preston, it made me smile for a few hours but didnt take away the pain from the previous day. I came home that weekend thinking im still not gonna give up on this, surly one day the will want to see me or come looking for me? They will never no how much that day broke my heart because i will never get a chance to see them.
I didnt give up, i just left things for a while, then i made another journey to blackpool and ill tell you all about next episode. Today writing this i have had so many feelings and emotions, it really upset me writing this, bought back all of those feelings again, but better out then in thats what mi nan says......

Hope yall aint getting to bored with me xxxx
[QUOTE=Sannah;3372168]Tizzy are you feeling bad (as you described above) because you are letting all of this story out or did you feel like this before (or a different sort of bad)? No, I'm not getting bored![/QUOTE]

Hi sorry i havnt been on to reply to you sannah, i have been in the middle of some tough stuff with my daughter today and had to deal with it very carfully, so as i didnt explode! hopefully i have done it in the right way.

Sannah i have always wanted to let this story out, i have never before and i have thought about these things for the last few years every single day. I have never spoken of some of these things to anyone and it feels good letting everything out so the badness what im feeling is kida a relese and actully helping me piece a few things together that are happening in my life at present, like me always arguing with my other half. I have had time to reflect on some of the stuff i have written and im begining to understand things better then i ever have before. For example it has been killing me not noing why im always flipping out at my boyfriend all the time. When i read back all i had written yesterday it clicked in my head that my boyfriend had opened up a big can of worms for me when i first met him by what he thought would help me get back in contact with my B&S. After we had been together for about a year he started cheating on me with other women in the same town, i think he had lost respect for me seeing how my family were and how i was so insecure about things because of this. I found out he had done this with 3 different girls right on my door step. We had been together 4 yrs before i started to find out these things, in the process he had tryed to make me think i was mental and paronoied if i accused him of things even if they were obvious, at one stage i was so depressed and thought i was going so mad i went into a hospital for a few days. Another story. We split for a while but still had sex and then i found out he had been seeing another girl that had befriended me and he was seeing her for over a year. He uses cocain that has now become a habbit and he blamed all of that onto him being young at the time and just having fun. He came back to me a year and half ago, telling me how much he loved me and how sorry he was for everthing and hed never ever do anything like this again coz he no's how much he hurt me and everyone involved. I gave into him again and we are still together now. Im scared everytime he goes out my door that he is cheating, i question him all the time. We never go out together anywhere at all. He goes out with his mates who were once mine and coz they knew all about what he was doing to me i havnt spoken a word to any of them scince coming on to 2 years now. So now he hangs out with them and goes out to see them every nite when he finishes work. If he is not with them then he is on the phone to them. Hes a only child and he lives at home with his parents so its hard to sort things out propley all the time coz runs home to mummy. He uses that drug i dont care to mention again, i no he wants to stop and it gets him down but he makes no efforts to doso even when people are running round coz they think he is ill doing everything they can for him. The only thing thats wrong with him is that he is coming down off hes drugs. He is hardly ever at mine anymore coz i wont have it around my daughter so every night when he finishs work hell go do hes drugs then phone me say do you want me to come round. Ill say have you done any of that, hell say yes and ill say well no i dont want you round then. Its like that day in day out it has been for almost a year now. When he is with me its like hes itching to get away all the time, or his phone is ringing off with his mates askin him to go out or what you upto! He recently a few weeks before christmas went to india for a holiday with 8 lads supposidley, ill never no if any of the girls went coz i dont talk to um, aint seen no pictures and never will i expect. Anyway when he came back he was so over nice and told me he wanted a baby and all this yada yada yada. He was lovely coming upto christmas, i asked him a few questions but really want to trust he didnt get upto anything this time.
So christmas came and went i tryed to hold it down every time he called me and said im just popping out for a bit then ill be there ok. Then the other day id just new in my heart that all this nice ness was just because he didnt want any ear ach about him going out over christmas and new year, nothing had changed at all everything was still the same really he had just sucked me in by being nice. I didnt even realise i hadnt been out with my mates not once over christmas just sat in and waited for him every night and didnt go out. He had not even invited me out for one drink at all with him over christmas or did he make a effort to even bother to get half dressed to come and see me. I thought about all this and didnt want a big row over it so he came to mine for the night one night and coz he wernt allowed to do any of that **** in here it made him quite uncomftble i could tell. He is obviously dependant on it. I didnt get any sleep most of the night coz of him figgiting he couldnt sleep obviouly coz of th crap! So when i woke in the morning i was not in a good mood at all. My daughter had to go out coz she has got more of a scoial life thne me. While she was getting ready and eating her breakfast and stuff he said ok im ready to go home now i need to straighten my back out coz of that bed. We both no he never got no sleep coz he couldnt get comftable other things on his mind! So i dropped her off at a mates then came back and drop him off home. thank god! Before i got out of the car i tryed to talk to him and i said why did you come to my house if you felt like that yesterday, i could see what you were like and you should not have come,infact i even told him not to bother coming if he felt like he looked. He replyed your right i wish id have just stayed in my bed. At this
point i was getting a bit wound up to be honsets you no i still had all that stuff about not going out myself and nothing changin in my head azwell. He was gonna just get out the car and expect me to sweep things under the carpet again so i said ' Dont get out the car for a minuet i just wanna talk to you. He went bizerk and slammed the door shut again saying. *** do you have to do this when we come to my house for. where the **** did he want me to do it at the house infront of my daughter? twat! If he wernt in such a bleedin rush to go home we could have spoken about it after i had dropped my lill one off.!!!! Aint that the adult thing to do? So whilst he was saying why do we have to talk about this now hes mum pulled up on the drive way. I kept repeting myself saying i dont want to row i just want to no why you say all these thingsd you dont mean and disrepect me in certian ways time after time. Then just as i see his mum getting out the car and walking towards us he starts swearing quite loUdly as his mum knocked the window to just ask if me and my daughter had had a nice christmas coz they had'nt seen us. I hadnt even had chance to give them there prestents coz i had been so busy rushing around working over christmas to savor every penny left over after getting my daughters gifts. Id worked extra had so i could give him more then half ov his money he needed for a tv he seen and said he wanted coz his other one is comeing to a end. He didnt no this, but i had almost saved up enough to buy it completly for him but i didnt manage to go and get the day i was suppose to coz other commitment i had at work. Thank lord i didnt waste my money on him this time.... I spent alot of money i didnt have on him plenty of times in the past and look how i got repayed for my kindness! Im gonna decorate all my upstairs with the money i saved coz i no this is gonna put a real smile on my face not coz of noing he daint get the telly i aint that sad , but coz its somthing i need to do for myself and somthing that will show me i can have a bit of somthing nice if i put in the hard work. Not that i fully believe that!, with the way the system works in this country, If you start with nothing then mess up with things through not really having guidance in life then the struggle to cathh up and work hard in order to pay off debts and keep in the rules of the system. It dont matter how hard i work ive never got much coz the more money i earn the more they take off me by the time you get out of one debt your borrowing to get out of another it bloody hard and a right friggin loada bollocks especially for singel mums or singel dads the same way! Fathers can go free and do what the hell they like while the bloody mothers struggle to keep to a system! not good. Especially for us that work so flipping hard....... Off that sorry distracted me lol .......

Anyway back to him and his mum, i think she felt the tention and walked away into the house leaving us to it. All i said next was why did you have to say the for and start swearing making it look all bad. Then he said here we Fing go again, just coz you woke up in a bad mood again today your trying to take it out on me im not listening to this Bo**ocks! That was it the that when i totally flipped my lidtop, i swaer to this day i was looking for no argument and i was not looking to get angry and lose my head like i did next..... He got out the car there and then and slamed my door, i was so angry and frustratied i was kickikn hard on my excellorator, got out my car kicked the side and dented it, Then when i tryed to drive it i couldnt some mad lock was on the wheels i must have bashed it so hard on the peddels with my feet. I was furious somthing i had tryed to be so calm about just thrown in my face! thats how i felt. I drove home so angry afer finally getting the car to work and him saying i couldnt leav it at his house and get a taxi home. I drove home in first gear all the way the my cousin had th come round and have a look at it, how embarresing i never told him what i did just said i reved it a bit to hard a few times. He could see that i was upset by my eyes, kept asking if i was ok but just like always i said yeah im fine just tired and got a bad cold!!!
Few hours after i had been crying and throwing things round at home out of anger, but i didnt call him or text him just ride it out on my own.... Id just started to calm down and think maybe it wernt as bad as i thought coz our rows normally ended alot worse then that with me saying the nasty'st things you ever heard and both of us crying mostly coz of thing ive said to him just coz the things hes done to me! Just as i calmed down my phone had a message, this is what it said......
Im going out for a bit in a bit is that a problem or are you ok with that!!!!!! Oh dear, i totally lost it, i called him asking if the messege i had recieved was a joke after all that **** earlier he didnt want to got to his bed he wanted to go get changed to go out with hes mates! I felt like he was totally taking the iss out of me. I was so angry i couldnt say anything else and put the phone down for a minuet.totally dismanteled my brcelet i was trying to put on at the time i got the message. Left it for a few minuets then called him back again screaming down the phone as loud as i could i no half i was saying he couldnt hear, he said you would say all this now im out wouldnt you! i wouldnt have come out if you didnt want me to id have stayed at home. This made me even worse, he said to me what do you want me to do your acting like a crazy ***** again! I said ok then you just come to mine and we will sort this out. It took him ages to arrive, i even called him at one point to say dont bother coming just stay where you are but he said he had already ordered a taxi and was on his way. By the time he got here i was explosive it was only going to take one word then i was gonna explode i knew it! Thats excactly what happened evertime i tryed talking to him he just kept saying, what do you want me to say what do you want me to do? i said i want you to tell me why we are arguing again and why all this **** keeps coming up. Its you im not doing anything he said. He said i admit i was in the wrong last night i admit i shouldnt have come here and made you feel uncomftuble like that, but all of this just because of that you are loosing it again! He just didnt get it at all! and everytime all he says to put things right is im sorry i no what things are like and im gonna make more of a effort with you, i love you, i want noone else but you. But he says i cant go through this with you you lose your head and i dont want that around me! lmao i lost it even more then for i felt the cheak he was trying to twist round and make me feelbad and guilty! For what???????? I dont remember much that was said after that i just lost total control of my body and kicked in the door in the living room. Then i drove him home cryied my hesrt out then came on the computer and written everything on here ever scince. I aint heard nothing from him and i dont think im going to because he is just all about him self right now.....

I no what your all thinking and i wish i knew, i wish i new why the hell i still cant let this man go out of my life, everytime i think about not having him in my life at all i get scared thinking im gonna be on my own again. Even though i no i dont have trouble picking men up at all and i have a lot of male friends in my life always have. I just feel like i cant let him go and i feel like ill be left on the shelf. I think every women wants a man in her life, for the nice things, im sure all you women no what i mean there. Dont get me wrong when i say sitting on the shelf i dont mean be lonley not in the lonley way where as id have noone coz, with the way i am as a person im never alone i always got people nocking at my door and always having invites to go places and do things, i just never feel like going anywhere and doing anything right now coz i feel a mess not only in my apperencer even though i scrub up well before i go out the door thats all surface bull crap and im a mess inside, you were right when you said i was a sprirtual child i was and im a very spiritual adult and i truley believe he is killing my spirit on purpose sometimes. But i no i let him, but dont no why i let him? With everything else i seem so strong its him that gets it the worse out of everyone, he gets all my anger all the time. He tells me im lucky hes still there coz any other man wouldnt put up with it. I believe this i really do. Dont blame anyone but myself either coz i now about my temper and im learning alot right now about where it has come from. So i bet your thinking now so whats the link with her fella, well i think he made me feel so special when i first met him and i let him no all my secrets and dark things about my life, he made me feel love for the first time like i had never felt before. I trusted him and i think i partly resent him opening up that can of worms bout my family coz he hasnt been there to support me through the rest of it, he never asks me anything at all about it anymore for a long long time. He made so many plans and promises to me and broke every single one of them one by one. I suppose i never forgave him deep down either for the things he did, and struggle trusting him again. So i think that the more and more this unfolds im getting somewhere in every aspect. Im not a stupid women really, i may be where men are concerned but i believe im quite strong really. I no i should not be in this place with him right now and we should just let each other go, why is it so hard why cant we both just break it off? i no he feels the same to, its so bloody hard aint it.?

Cant write anymore tonight, im shattered. At least you now no when i found this site this is where all my anger came from in the start of this thread.
And thanks for keep reading coz it makes me want to come back and keep going. Ive never found such a powerful way to make me think. When i read back on this it was like someone else wrote it and i can seeand understand things a bit better.........

Night night sleep tight xxx





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