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Anger Management Message Board

Anger Management Board Index

Morning, afternoon or what ever it may be, Thanks again for all the support people, makes me feel quite emotional to think i dont even no you all and that you have all taken time out to read my words....
Well i never had much sleep last night after my whole madness yesterday and i have woken with a headach and the reality of my actions. I ask myself how do i feel? Well i feel like crap and i feel angry with myself. I no how i acted was totally wrong and am dreading trying to explaine myself to my partner ill be lucky to even speak to him today i upset him so much.

I just wanna tell you alittle bit about myself and what my life is like at present. I see what i wrote yesterday and am shocked all of that came out of me.
Ok so, Im a 31 year old single parent i juggle 3 jobs, i call myself a mulitasker... My mother is disabled so i look after her do her cleaning take her where she needs to go, as my other 2 bro's and my sister dont pull there weight and still act like there 10yrs old. Infact my daughter helps her more then they do. None of them work at all and have only kept jobs for weeks long! They have all been spoilt and my mum still gives them money and a roof over there head. 2 of them still live with her and one of them doesnt age's 26,25 and sis is 21.
I have alot of friends around me from all differnt walks of life, from rich to poor. My closest friends i here from every day, they call me with their problems and i am able to listen and somtimes help in there situations. One of my friends is in a bad abusive relationship right now and calls me every morning at 9am to tell me what has happened to her the day before. I dont mind this but somtimes i dont actully speak at all untill its time to say goodbye its just yes, no, noway! I must have at least 4 people a day calling me with their problems, i feel bad to talk about my own, and because mine dont seem as surfaced as theirs its easy to listen, somtimes it makes me feel good for the day if i have helped. My close friends no alot about my childhood as most of them were there through some of it. They all no about my step father and my father and they all no how many kids hes got and how violent he is.

While i was trying to get sleep last night i was thinking about the things i had wrote and i got to thinking about, where i had written that i think my anger must have started before i was born! I really wonder if this is possible and that this is where the problem begins in the mothers whom? Maybe all her stress's and all the times my father hit her while she was carrying me, her fear, her anger? I have heard people speak of things like this before but i have never really thought about it this deeply. maybe it can really happen that way, and the cycle of life begins even before you have taken your first breaths. When i did manage to take my first breaths i came early into this world 8 weeks earlie and for the first six weeks of my life i was in a incubator because i was barley bigger then a bag of sugar.
My mother tells me storys of her time in hospital with me. Those days were quite tough for a women with a mixed race child. Then nurse on my mothers ward wouldnt let her hold me, the nurse had even changed my name to sophie on the ward and said my real name didnt suit me. whats all that about! Eventually the doctor came to visit mum and mum broke down say she hadnt even held me yet, the doctor marched her to where i was and put me in her arms or hands, she said the size of my head fitted perfectly into the palm of her hand.
Mum also told me about my fathers visit to the hospital when i was born, he just never nos when to stop does he! Apparently he seen me and said i was not his child as i was to fair in complection. He got violent in the hospital acusing her of cheating and was adament i was not he's. Security were called and my father was escorted from the premesis. Mum said this was a good thing coz she was able to go back to nan and grandads for a while when we left the hospital....

Ok guys i no that this probley dont make any conection with yesterdays story but im afraid i dont think ill be writing things in order im just writing and writing, feels good though! Ill be back to continue my jabber later.

hope you all have a blessed day xxx

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