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Anger Management Message Board

Anger Management Board Index

[QUOTE=iHusk;4280209]Im going to try to put as much information as I can so I can get a better response, so bear with me.

Ok, I am a 17 year old male, I have known I have had anger problems since I was about 7 or 8. Those episodes were bad but nothing like I have experienced the past few days. When I was younger I would get into fights with my parents, A few would get somewhat ugly, but overall they were not that bad. Recently though, I have been fuming. I cannot be not angry. I yell at people close to me over anything and everything. Just tonight, after I found something out I wish not to tell, I took a metal folding chair and literally ripped it to pieces. I was hitting walls and just freaking out. My hand is swollen and sliced up. I cannot get rid of the intense anger I hold about things that I shouldn't be angry about, and need ways to deal with it fast. I'm just glad it wasn't in public or at school because I would have put that on a person, and not a wall, which is the reason I'm looking for help. I don't want to put people into any harm because [B][I]I[/I][/B] can't deal with my emotions.

I don't know what else to say, but if you need any information, I am willing to give it.[/QUOTE]

I am recovered, without the help of medication, or therapy. However my anger problems made me murderously violent, attempted murders and such, anger towards strangers and loved ones, thus my situation was different, but perhaps what i have learned may help you.

I have changed into a new person. It took time. It was a lot of self restraint, self awareness and training my mind.

In EVERY situation that pissed me off, i had to analyze it. I had to come to the awareness that my resentments were usually illogical. When my resentments were real reasons, i had to learn to forgive, let go. To let go, you have to distract. If forgiving was impossible, i had to set aside my anger, until i could problem solve the situation when i was seeing things clearly.

Remove yourself:
The main thing that helped me through that ^ was removing myself from a situation when i felt i was becoming violent towards someone. I find it was the only thing i could do, just run away from it until i was not seeing red. (I tried warning people to leave or shut up but that does not work) Sometimes it means you have to jump out of a moving vehicle if it means you are about to punch the driver in the face. Running from the violent part was easier than dealing with the rage inside after.

Problem is, during anger, i badly wanted to problem solve (which in anger problem solving was to have them killed so i never had to be threatened by them again). I wanted my hatred expressed. To soothe this rage, i resorted to writing it all down in a journal. Do this, and make sure to include all the profanities you want. It may not make sense, because in extreme anger you forget the real reason you are angry. But just keep writing all the anger out. By the time it's spilt out on paper, you might have found the real reason.
Anyway, the reason this is good, is by the time you have calmed down, you can look at what you have written and judge what is delusional, and what is real. Take the real problem, and then write it out AGAIN more calmly.
Most times, i could never communicate with people or else it just ended up in violent rages. So i would write down the issue, and read it to them.
It worked for me to solve arguments. They would take me more seriously than if i was acting out.

For me my grudges seemed strong, overwhelming and never ending. The truth is, the grudges lessen with time, sometimes it takes lots of time, maybe years if you are like me. You have to find lots of distractions and move on.

Anger and resentments are ALWAYS the result of hurt pride, fear, feeling threatened by something or someone, be it your security, self esteem, ideals of yourself are threatened. We use anger and violence as a way to seem powerful, put the enemy in their place, act out, prove something to someone or ourselves, but the truth is, which hurts to admit to ourselves, is that we are actually acting like pussies because we are angry for such a pathetic reason.
I know this sounds awful, but it actually helps to become aware of why we are angry, and what is OUR fault. Taking responsibility for our actions. It is rather humbling.

To learn to see people, as people, and accept they make mistakes, and not put unrealistic expectations on them or any situation so we don't end up being pissed off and disappointed in the end. I am diagnosed with anti social personality disorder, so this was a huge concept of brainwashing my entire beliefs for me. But if someone diagnosed as a "psychopath" can do it, i'm pretty sure any angry person can do it.
To view your enemy as sick, and treat them like you would a sick person. You try to help your enemy. You wouldn't lash out at a sick person.
But mostly, learn to realize, when you are hostile towards someone it is NOT their fault. I don't care if it really is their fault, but THEIR actions, should NOT effect you. Once you let a situation or a person effect you, it is then your fault, not theirs. Because you can learn to ignore the things they do.

Things you should know about angry people:
they are like bulls. Fast motions, people standing, or moving closer make them angrier. People around an angry person should know to lower themselves to the ground (sit very still, or lay down) and appear non threatening and vulnerable. This works well to cease attacks. Even the most delusional angry person will find it impracticable to strike someone who looks conquered.
Never walk away from an extremely violent angry person. This can sometimes make it worse. The best thing to do is, sit down, have your face appear as calm as possible, do not say a thing, if you have to speak, keep your tone steady, so as not to give the angry person anything to build more anger out of. Wait as long as possible for them to calm down.
These are just a FEW things that i learned about anger, that really helped me to understand why triggered me. Thing is, people don't know how to react when you are angry at them. So, you have to learn restraint and get the hell out of there. This might mean going through stages, beating at the ground until you learn you should get a punching bag, because damage of property costs thousands. Physical activity is an angry persons best friend.
Martial arts can be very good as well, the belt kind, that teaches you the importance on "with great power comes great responsibility". Despite what people say, that putting an angry person in a martial art is a really bad idea,
muay thai kickboxing helped me a lot. I got really into the fighting style, but also learned how to NOT use it against anyone. They can teach you if you let them. The structure is amazing, so is the release.

I had to learn body language, facial expressions. I was so angry all the time, i always misread those signs, mistook them to be signs of battle.
You have to realize what makes you tick. For me, when people flooded me with questions when i was angry, it made it worse, for the simple reason i would get so pissed off at my mind because it was incapable in its state to understand what they were saying. From my years of anger, i became unsociable. My worker took me out in public, and pointed out facial expressions and people doing things, and re taught me how to read people.

I don't think anyone want's to appear stupid. For me, that's what got me. I no longer wanted to act like an immature child throwing a temper tantrum, i wanted to be viewed as respectable and highly intelligent.

You may find this odd, but the main thing that helped me was actually learning how to debate through Philosophy and Religious forums online. It taught me astounding things. Through writing my debates online, i realized the way i acted when i was defensive and angry simply made me look stupid and like a troll. I learned how to listen to my enemy. I learned how to view other sides to the spectrum. I used to be very firm, narrow minded, never open to others ideas. From that, i became the most non judgemental person i know. I found a love for researching topics i was even against. I got a burning desire to learn to "fight" in proper ways, thus researching things i hated, at first, trying to pick apart things to bring down the opponent, i actually gained a huge respect for them, and other beliefs i never used to have.
This is very important. If you want revenge, you can learn to do it properly.

The rules of debating.
Listening intensively to the other side, researching in depth of what their views are (sometimes you will gain insight to why they do the things they do and understand), learning how to debate (argue in a civil, adult, polite way), and never acting immature or ignorant no matter what it comes down to, because in debating, the only one who wins, is the one who can explain themselves clearly without getting overly defensive. This also includes, cutting out all profanities when discussing things with someone.

I applied those to every day life. I applied those to my conversation skills and benefited extremely with my anger

Oh I just wanted to add:
Problem solving. If you are new to conversing without arguments or trying not to fight with family members, the best thing to do is humble yourself, and explain to them truthfully what is going on for you.
Sometimes i have to sit them down and say things really honestly. Here are some of the things i've literally said in real life, "i'm really sorry, but everything you are going to say right now, i am only going to use it to lash out on you. I don't mean to be an ass, i really don't, it's just the head space i am in right now, and i think i need space." Usually, they say they appreciate the honesty. After i am done explaining i actually feel the anger rise, and we can get on with problem solving.
Or I say, "i'm having a really hard time communicating right now, so i apologize ahead of time if i don't make sense, or jump to anger, i am hoping we can learn to work through this, that you can take the time to learn how to help me deal with my anger" ect. Basically, i have learned, things always go well, with honesty.

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