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Anger Management Message Board

Anger Management Board Index

Hello, so, I have this problem. I'm horrible to my boyfriend. Initially when a girl says that people always respond that its the relationship, but I do this, in many relationships, I fight a lot. I get stressed, worry, panic, and do childish behavior that can be scary. I pick fights with him all the time. He's not abusive, mean, out of work, drugs/alcohol, and he rarely picks fights with me, if ever. He's always supportive and loving, and as good as we are and as much as I love him, how can I be so mean?

I get so angry and wrapped up in whatever emotion I've fixated on, I can't pull back sometimes, even if I know I'm wrong. I start to panic and go into a downward spiral, I even panic that he doesn't always know the right thing to do.

I lock myself in a closet when I get the most scared, for some reason I like the closeness of it. I put myself in corners, I feel like clawing out my eyes and ripping out my hair. I hit myself, and to my utmost shame, sometimes I can't stand it and I hit myself even in front of him. I pick fights in front of his friends and at his house, to the point even his friends don't think he should be with me. He wants to live with me, and I dont' want to drive another boyfriend away. I have a serious problem and I used to go to a counselor for depression and I need to go back, but in the between time, I just need someone to talk to. Once in awhile, you konw? I know I don't deserve it and for all I have done to him I don't deserve him. The worse I am and the more I think of what I have done the bigger the feeling gets, and I drive us both into heartbreak. I don't know HOW or WHY i get so angry! Sometimes the world feels like a cloud and I can't see straight. I'm not depresed, not melancholy or so, just...irritable. a whirlwind, up and down and unpredictable and for all the love he gives me, I'm beating him up with words and tearing him apart.

I want to be better for him and I don't want to lose my loved one because of this anger...I know it's an issuse that I need to face or it will keep coming back to me, and keep getting worse. In relality, the issues we fight about are stupid and I never want to lose him as a result of silly things. He tries, he tries very hard, but what do I give him in return? I have finally found someone who loves me and who I think is special and just...the best thing in the world...and I take advantage and abuse it. I feel like a horrible person, he's at his wits end and I'm breaking his heart.

Please help me, while I seek professional help, I know I can get better with help, but in the process, I don't want to continue to destroy what is so dear to me for reasons I have not yet found the ability to control. Please, please, help, although all I've admitted here is possibly never something you'd want to put someone through, we are good and great but sometimes...I erupt. I lose it. I want to show him how much I appreciate how he is and how much I love him. He deserves to be taken care of the way he takes care of me, and I can't bear the hurt that I have already caused.

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