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Anger Management Message Board

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For years my anger has been building up. I now explode more often than not because anything that reminds me of the past abuse (behavior wise) by my partner sets me into orbit.

We've been together over 35 years. During that time, I'm not going to call myself a victim, but rather an enabler and an "anal fissure". We met young. She was my first love. I was smitten. All she ever had to do was express a desire and it became my purpose in life. She was many times rude, inappropriate, self centered and cruel to me and others. I excused everything she did and tried harder to be what she wanted me to be....a meal ticket with no voice or life of my own.

Years went by. I worked, she spent. She emotionally abused me from day one with demeaning words and actions, cheating on me, lying to me, never taking my side, always treating me as a second class citizen and allowing me to provide 90% of our lifestyle, even if we couldn't afford it. She allowed her family and her ex's to be cruel to me and expected me to take it. I did. Willingly.

She made me a fool in front of other people. She allowed ME to take blame for what she did. She demeaned me, humiliated me and allowed others to do the same in front of her.

I accepted all this thinking I deserved it.

After about 20 years of this I found myself finally talking back and acting out. I moved out of our bedroom and thought that a platonic relationship would solve much. Unfortunately, she was DELIGHTED at not having to offer me ANYTHING in a relationship, but still demanded total fealty and self absorbption being rewarded.

Every business that we SHARED was basically me doing all the work and her doing what she wanted WHEN she wanted but claiming equal if not more credit. Actually, she destroyed every business that we ever had with her inability to learn (actually desire to not learn) or apply herself. Also, because of her refusal to do what she didn't want and because she worked ONLY when she wanted. I couldn't do it all, and, as we got older, I couldn't do it alone.

After 25 years our arguements got louder, more voiceferous and eventually, I did hit her. Believe me, I NEVER looked to harm her, just "spank" her so to speak, but she was venomous with me and hurt me many many times. Whatever predicated it, I just hated it as it happened, and after it happened. While it was happening, she had an uncanny ability to keep pushing, pushing and pushing my buttons TILL it happened so she could tell ME how abusive I'd been.

She believes it. She believes it's only me. I know it's both of us and I recognize that she pushes my buttons.

We've gone to counseling. She lies to the counselers, even about something she KNOWS she's done or was provacative with. That triggers my rage. I feel "raped" twice by the incident and the subsequent lie. She sits there and gloats. Most counselors recognize soon enough that she is almost sociopathiclly self absorbed (she is an only child of HELL) and actually enjoys provoking me to almost having a stroke. She then walks out of the session and never comes back.

Recently, now that we are "older" I find my rage almost impossible to live with. I can't watch TV show repeats of the 70's and 80's that we used to watch together without getting angry. I'm always angry with her. Not because I expect her to undo the past, but because I've spoken with her, cajoled her, screamed at her and pleaded with her to try and discontinue some of the past behaviors of entitlement, self absorbsion and "let them eat cake" attitude that destroyed me for so many years. I don't want her "love" or her close friendship...only a path for us to live respectfully with each other as we head into twilight with both of us having health issues.

There is not a day that goes by without her doing something so outrageously stupid, thoughtless and cruel that it does not set me reeling.

Here is an example of what JUST happened. We have people that come to our home to help us with an animal rescue company we run. Most of these employees in this small rural area are lazy, unpleasant, druggies and have stolen from us. We have no choice but to hold on to the latest two because we are running out of employees to help us. I've ASKED her in the past to please be more EMPLOYER than friend to them because they mistake the "friendship" as weakness and exploit it. Many things have happened and always she tells me later "you were right"...but what good is that if they have harmed us, our business etc. Actually, it's ME they do bad stuff to.

The person working here now has STOLEN from me. More than once. I ONLY allow her to work here because there is no one else. It makes me sick to have her here. My partner knows that. We are in the throes of a very bad financial situation right now and we have NO INCOME which weighs on me heavily. Tomorrow is the employees birthday. SO WHAT. On my birthday, this employee stole from me. However, I'm not cruel. My partner suggested that we "buy her a cake" to celebrate. I HIT THE ROOF. Buy her a cake?...even a PIECE OF CAKE...why? I said, buy her a cupcake and put a candle in. Better still, wish her a happy birthday and leave it at that. My partner put on a face and body language that had me explode. I wanted to hit her. I called her some pretty horrible names. I told her that she does not get it that 1. she can NOT treat our employees like friends and we've been over it. 2. She can NOT spend money we DON'T HAVE...and we have NOTHING and if she does not like it, go out and earn it herself. 3. SHE needs to understand that suggesting a "celebration" via some cake is INSULTING to me after she knows how I feel about this person.

My partner does not get it. I'm sitting here shaking with angst feeling like I'm going to have a heart attack, and she...she waltzed out to spend some more money we don't have thinking that I'M the abusive one. Of course I know that reacting like this is abusive...but she has NOT A CLUE that she is the true abuser.

How do I resolve this before doing something stupid or dropping dead of a heart attack.

Financially we can't separate.

Someone PLEASE HELP...I feel tortured.

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