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Anger Management Message Board

Anger Management Board Index

I feel like I'm losing my grip on reality as of July 3, 2012. That's when my 5 1/2 nephew fell asleep at the babysitter's house and did not wake up. I am very close to my sister, I do not have children of my own and her son I treated like mine. I saw him almost every day, and he was in great health then "BAM!" he's gone. When I went through a divorce a year and a half ago my sister was there for me, and now it's my time to be strong for her. The week it happened I stayed strong as I was there for her in whatever she needed and tried not to show how hard I was hurting too because obviously what I was feeling was not even a drop in the bucket compared to the pain of losing her only child. I was able to keep it together so well because I just became "official" with this guy named Jake, my first real relationship since my divorce.

Jake was there for me when it happened. He cried with me and told me he'd always be there for me. I could not break down around my family because I was trying to be a rock for everyone and it was hard to talk about this to my friends since most of them are pregnant or have small children, and seeing all of that made me miss my nephew more. Jake was my support system - he was someone who was there just for me that I could totally unload on. Long story short, Jake ended up pulling away about 2 weeks after the death happened and stopped all contact with me in general this past Friday. I found out he is back with his ex girlfriend.

Looking back I realize I probably put too much stress on a new relationship, but what was I supposed to do? I'm still a complete wreck. I know grieving has a process- shock, anger, depression, and acceptance. I feel like everything I had going for me in my life has been taken away. But mostly I'm just mad. How can someone see me at my lowest and see all the **** I'm going through and not be man enough to at least tell me he doesn't want to be with me. How dare he leave me completely alone while he's banging some skank that cheated on him and left him countless times? Now let me say in the dissolution of past relationships I never wanted to get revenge. I always thought "Well, this is crappy, but I'm going to take the high road and just move on. Its the mature thing to do. They obviously have the problem, not me." Not this time.

I've been going through my mind trying to find the most legal ways of making him suffer. Because if I'm not happy and I'm suffering, then he is going to suffer like I am. I've even thought of going to his or her workplace or home and beating the hell out of one of them, or trying to at least. I just want them to hurt. I'm a good person who did not do anything to deserve any of the pain I'm going through, and they're obviously bad people who like to kick someone when they're down.

It has become all I think about. I can't even focus on my job because of this immense anger and it is hard to leave the house. I go to the gym daily to relieve this tension and it helps for a little bit, but it all comes back. It is so hard to just let go and it has even made me start having panic attacks. I have no idea what to do and I feel like I'm about to explode with anxiety and rage.

Suggestions? My fuse is almost completely cut off.

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