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Anger Management Message Board

Anger Management Board Index

I was in a relationship with a man, my son's father for 8 years who had a problem very similar to yours. I am now 26 and so is he. I dont remember when our first out of control argument came about but i do remember that whenever he would get angry during our later years he would call me names that were totally insane such as "disgusting filthy cu*t, go get f*cked sl*t," etc. and then he went on to proclaimed that my vagina was horrifically stretched out beyond all recognition from having multiple penises in it at the same time. (and no, my vag it perfect lol) the differrence between him and you, is that you realize after the fact that you have a problem and your looking to fix it or find a way to contol it. You see... you have to understand that any woman you meet that you dont morally agree with from the start will make you question her. The reason you question her is because her behaviors are questionable. it IS in fact questionable to be 29 and the longest relationship she has had have been only a few months. And if she said her number was low, she must be lying.
so maybe you should try meeting a girl in church, or at the gym...I m not being sarcastic. I'm not religious at all...I'm 100% would freak on me too im sure because i am guilty of the same things as your last woman. If you want a girl to respect you, shes going to have to respect herself and your going to have to respect her too. A girl who fears god may be a little more cautious before doing random dudes at a bar. Now, you've been picking the wrong women. But what about these outbursts where you feel so panicked and frantic that you say terrible things you end up regretting?
Well, you may have to find out what your triggers are and try to catch yourself having that gut feeling before it turns into something further hurtful. and since "sleeping on it" isnt going to work... you may have to go out and do something that makes you feel good. tell yourself, "f*ck her" for the time being and go do something with a male friend. In fact, talking to a male friend about it may be VERY helpful.

I really think it has everything to do with recognizing yourself in that instant moment of panick...when you first feel that deceit has taken place and you feel that 'edge'...just say...."f*ck her" and go out.
After my ex and i broke up for good several months ago i found myself wanting to look at his facebook page because i knew he was looking at mine...(i knew because if any man posted on my wall i would get text messages accusing me of having sex with him and accusing me of cheating, and i truly believe he wanted to believe i was cheating to justify the names he called me) I turned my facebook page off... I just let it go. and i started taking time away from my phone to do other things. if i felt panicked because i knew he was talking to another girl while simulatneously calling me a hooker while i was the one taking care of the kid and working 2 jobs, and if i wanted to tell him how stupid he was etc... and to call him repeatedly to prove to myself that he was seeing someone else and not answering the phone because of it. i would simply turn my phone off and go visit a girlfriend and if i had no one to visit i would take the kid on a walk and tell myself "melina, it doesnt matter what hes doing and how much of a hypocrite he is being... just keep your focus and remember why you need to stay in control"
The reason you lose control is because you feel like you have already lost and it doesnt matter anymore and it just spirals out of control even more and maybe you secretly hope that she will soothe you, and apologize for her mistakes and tell you to take control and maybe she will care for you in your darkest hour. and in your mind maybe you are conflicted because you know that this approach will not work and you are screwing yourself even more and making yourself look childish and truthfully there is this scared hurt little boy inside of you that you try to ignore who is pleading with you begging for someone to love him and you cant control him so he comes out and lashes out at this girl instead of you because he knows you wont love him back .

and yes I know that sounds crazy. BUt trust me that if a direct approach, "I am angry i must fix myself" does not work it is helpful to identify that part of yourself that is harming you with a part of yourself you have ignored. Now, I know nothing about your childhood, but i know about mine. and In my childhood i was always afraid. (my mother was over the top religous but also fun and beautiful and outdoorsy and pretty much perfect from the outside looking in) I was afraid she would die because she took too many pills, afraid jesus would come back, afraid i would go to hell if i had sexual thoughts, afraid i would be grounded if i broke the rules, afraid i would get fat if i ate. and everything i feared came true. except jesus did not come back. my mother died when I was 15... i began strict dieting and bulimia and later in life after my ex and i had broken up the first time between yr 3 and year 5... I began using men like drugs to soothe myself to tell me im beautiful and worthy and special and i was so jealous of everyone who had someone close. a spouse or a mother to shop with or share with who remembered them from birth and loved them unconditionally, and likewise when i wasnt keeping men on plates spinning over my head i was binging and purging uncontrollably. untill i had a breaking point one day after a massive binge that almost ruptured my insides and i got a therapist. and she helped me to associate these panicked feelings i would get while wondering who would text me next or not text me (as i was very afraid of rejection) or wondering where my next meal was and how i could just look like im eating it and feel like im eating it but not really doing so...these panicked moments.. the moments right before you fall into a complex that is mentally insane and you know you will regret later. she helped me identify these moments, step outside myself and see those feelings as not something "I" am feeling but something "a sad little girl" was doing to me to get me to recognize her... and when i would have these moments i would say to myself..."its ok, little girl, i love you and i will keep you safe from harm, you are loved" and it would soothe me.

you may be thinking...what the eff does this have to do with me?
like i said, maybe your little inner child is sad and hurt and feeling helpless and wants to be loved so badly that it freaks out and has a tantrum whenever it feels it is being denied or lied to. maybe you need to show your inner child some love from yourself so that you/he do not seek out other sources to love him and when those sources fail he feels like he has failed and hopelessness/not giving a crap remains.

or maybe anger is your drug. MAYBE YOU WOULD RATHER FEEL ANGER THAN FEEL FAILURE. This is very likely.
Regardless, you deserve love just like everyone else. You deserve to treat yourself right and to represent yourself right. and its okay to feel failure... the regret after the anger is just as aweful as the initial acceptance of failure.
keep being mindful and you will find heathy ways to deal with your anger.
best of wishes to you.

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