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Anxiety Message Board


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Hello
I have socail anxiety, and it seems to take over my life, in alot of ways! Im 26 and i feel like i really act as if im a shy teenager sometimes, and i cant stand it anymore ! Since i was In school, i always kept to myself, I was extremely shy, i didnt feel i fit in, and i felt like when i would say something it would be dumb so i just kept to my self and never really talked to anyone, and Its not that i wanted it that way its the feelings i got when i did try to fit in, or talk, or whatever. I dropped out of school, I just couldnt stand going through that everyday. Even when i got called upon to rea in front of the class i Couldnt stand it! I thought it was something i would grow out of, Annd i would be "Normal" but im still going through it now, and it actually seems worse then before. I am so bad to the point to where if i need anything from a small corner store, and their are cars there, i will wait for most of them to leave, or i will drive to another one all the way across town just to get what i need, I know it sounds weird, but i do. I DONT LIKE IT.. I always make up excuses that i dont feel good, or that i need to do something, if a friend asks me to hang out and its going to be around OTHER people i dont know. So basically now i have maybe 2 good friends and a Boyfriend. (and of course my family) Even sometimes around family i get nervous (My aunts, uncles) I just dont feel like much of a people person anymore, I feel more comfortable on my own, or with close friends, or close family... I would love to be able to go out to a bar and hang out with people and not feel like im being judged, or that im going to act stupid, or say soemthing stupid.. I have no self esteem at all!! I was on paxil for anxiety attacks i was having, but that made me feel like a zombie. I told my Dr once that i thought i was depressed, and he gave me a tril pack of Zoloft, and i never took it because i didnt want anyone to know i was on any kind of medicines like that because i didnt want anyone to think i was crazy! (Although i dont think people who are on meds are crazy, my mother takes paxil for anxiety) Its just that ALOT of people these days DONT UNDERSTAND what it is like to feel the way people like I do and alot of people think just because u have some kind of anxiety or take any medication for it that you have this disease or your just plain nuts! I have no self esteem, no matter how much someone tells me im pretty, i always say whatever or yeah ok i can never take a compliment!!I Dont have a job, because of this I am not lazy, and i dont take money from my family for help, i still do however live at home and i feel like crap for that too.

I want a job i would give anything for ALL of these feelings just to go away and be able to do everything i have always wanted to do. I want to be a nurse, and im not doing anything about it .. I want to go to a therapist, but i dont want anyone to know that.....! Im not a mean person i wouldnt hurt a fly i just wonder how this happend to me!! I did go to therapy when i was 12-13 but that was for something that happend to me, (I was sexually abused) I was wondering if that had alot to do with how i feel .. Their used to be a part of me (maybe 8 years ago) that didnt give a crap what anyone thought of me, and i didnt let things bother me, but EVERYTHING bothers me anymore... Well just my story. :) It would be nice to have people who felt like i do too to hang out with, because nobody else understands what it is like. Anyway.. gotta go Bye Ash :)





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