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Anxiety Message Board

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Hi, I am in some desperate need. Seriously sad right now. Anyway, this is my short story. Do you guys know that I haven't had a social encounter in
4 years? I haven't gone out with friends in 4 years. Actually, I really don't have friends. I have one really good friend who calls me all the time. Like
5 times a day. Gives me money from time to time and helps me out alot but mostly with encouragement and support.

Even though we are really good friends, I really don't want to see him because of my social anxiety. I fear all the f__king time that people are f__king judging me yo. What the hell is wrong with me? I never used to be like this in high school. I am 34 years old now and my social life SUCKS. I have none. And get this guys, I DREAD GOING OUTSIDE IN PUBLIC. I actually dread it. You know, I do foster care at home on the side and I used to hate to have to take the children outside to the playground. I didn't even do it often like I should because of my social anxiety.

Plenty of times I want to scream out loud BUT I try not FOR FEAR OF PEOPLE HEARING ME AND JUDGING ME ONCE AGAIN. But the funny thing is guys, there are times that I muster up enough courage to just scream out and say help me GOD." FREE ME YAHWEH" Deliver me God" And do you guys know that strangely enough, my anxiety goes away for about
a half an hour. Can you imagine if I mustered up enough courage to shout out to god to help me every time a panic attack came on, I WOULD BE COMPLETLY FREE BY NOW. The problem is, I am afraid of what people might think of me and what they will say about me.

When I am in public, I feel like every frigging body is talking about me or judging me and saying," I hate you" What are you doing here on this earth" Can't you see that you are not wanted here" You are a weirdo"
Nobody loves you" " Nobody will ever love you" Your ugly" You are hideous to look at" That's why I want to get plastic surgery sooooo bad right now. I am desperately saving to have some plastic surgery procedures done on my face. These are the things I feel people are saying in their minds and in their hearts about me. When I am in public, and people look at me, most of the times, I put my head down. And almost always in my mind I am thinking that they are saying," I don't like you. I hate you. When people look at me in public. Most of the times, my heart beats faster, sometimes my head may hurt and I try to make haste to go home.

I stay away from all situations for fear of being judged. Even from my own family I stay away from. I am just all alone. No I take that back. I know that God/Yahweh is with me. But physically, I am all alone. Sometimes I feel
God/Yahweh's presence around me and that helps me out alot too. But then later sometimes it comes back. That's because I get involved with other things like tv and feeling sorry for myself so I put prayer on the back burner. Huh. I don't know anything anymore. All I know is that I need help

Oh, also did I tell you guys that last year I had an abnormal EKG reading and ever since then, I have been referred to the Cardiologist. I've had a
stress treadmill test which came back normal. I've also had a Thalium stress test done with came back abnormal. Anyway my point is that maybe stress and anxiety could have something to do with my possible heart problems. The other day I felt a numbness in my left arm and I went to the emergency room and had a brain cat scan and I was told that my brain cat scan was normal. So I dont' know anymore

And for all inquiring minds who are curious to know, the answer is,
no I am not seeing a therapist for my social anxiety and depression. I used to be seeing one and they put me on Zoloft which made me really sick. Then I had Effexcor, that made me sick too, I've tried Prozac which worked for about 3 months and then stopped working. I've tried Paxil CR which made me the sickest of them all. So I don't know what else the freak to try. I've heard of Wellbutrin but I heard of their sexual side effects and I don't want anything messing with my sexuality becuase I love sex and I love to masturbate which helps me relieve my stress and anxiety. So I don't know what else to do but I know I NEED HELP TO FREE ME FROM THIS
SOCIAL ANXIETY. Any encouragements and comments or questions I will highly appreciate. Afterall, we are here to help each other. Help me please.

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