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I really need to get this off my chest. I saw my therapist and my md this past week. Both times, I've had a difficult time articulating my feelings. So, I thought I give this a shot.

I've felt like junk all summer. I've been filled w/ digestive problems as well mental problems such as anxiety, guilt, regret and depression.

I've posted this story to varying degrees before. So, please forgive me. This may get long.

I'm 29 and for 8 or so years I've had chest pain off and on. A few years ago, I really freaked out one night. Heart started racing, light headed....all the fun stuff. I thought this was it. But, I didn't go to the er. A few days later, I'd go to the dr. All the major tests were ran: ekg, holter monitor, chest x-ray and echocardiogram. Naturally, everything was fine. I felt great.

Now whenever I'd get chest pain, I wouldn't let it bother me. I knew it would pass. This would be temporary. I would get another, I guess, panic attack once or twice a year. My most recent came this past Feb. Again, I didn't go to the er. However, for the following week I felt light headed off and on. I now realise that it was all anxiety.

Anyway, I went to dr. Chest x-ray and ekg were fine. He asked if I had heartburn. I told him "yes". However, I didn't. Now, I answered "yes" for a couple of reasons: The first being I've always suspected I might have reflux even though I never had the burning associated w/ heartburn. My symptoms were chest pain, frequent clearing of the throat and a slight hoarseness. Anyway, he gives me a 4 week supply of nexium. I'm a bit apprehensive if taking any kind of medication. I still have a little pain. But, nothing significant. So, I take maybe a 10 day supply.

4 weeks later, I have a follow up visit. Naturally, he wants to know if the pills were helping. Now at this point, I realize that I tend to get the pain only when I think about. But, I'm afraid to tell him this. So, I respond w/ "I don't know". So, because of my vague answer he requests an upper gi. Foolishly, I go in for it. I go in for two reasons: 1) I don't want to upset my dr. 2) I'm kind of curious if I have reflux.

I researched the procedure and learned of the barium's constipating affect. The days afterward, I'm pushing and straining like mad. Often nothing comes out. I return to the dr. Concerned that the barium hasn't passed, I have an x-ray done. Of course, it's gone. But, I have abdominal pain off and on. It's seems to be brought on w/ activity. Perhaps, I strained something. I don't know.

Now in late May or June, I'm struggling w/ bowel movement and I feel something strange in my mid chest. The weeks that follow would find me having the most horrible heartburn. True heartburn. Burning like fire. I can't sleep. I can barely function. I've convinced I've developed a hiatal hernia. So, I have another upper gi done. It, like the first one, is negative. The burning would eventually subside.

May - Present day I constantly worry about getting cancer from the radiation. I tend to get heartburn quite frequently. My abdomen still hurts occassionally. I often feel nauseated. My testicles hurt from time to time.

So, I regret going through w/ all these tests. Particularly, the first one. At that time, I was feeling pretty good. I should just let my bowel movements come naturally instead of making something out of nothing.

I feel guilty for having these tests done. Most people go through these tests cause they really have something wrong. I had them done because, I guess, I'm a basket case.

I fear I developed this real reflux from all the straining. Or perhaps, my body is reacting to the nexium I took months ago. Everytime my testicles hurt, I fear I have testicular cancer from the thost unnecessary tests. I'm probably developing carpal tunnel because I'm on my pc for hours everynight. I can't watch tv. I can't sit still long enough. My mind races. So, I play online poker everynight. My hand is quite sore.

Bottom line, I felt pretty good before all this and now I feel awful. This has left me feeling terribly depressed. I feel I've brought all this upon myself.

So, if you made it this far, thank you. If you've heard my pathetic story before, I'm sorry. If you have any words of encouragement and or stories. Please share.

Thanks.

P.s. I wish I found this board months ago. As I'm quite certain I wouldn't be in the position I am now.





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