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Thank you Kali23, I know I "can do it" physically. But the mind is everything and controls everything. I know im not going to die or get hurt or get lost changing planes even. I can break down every aspect of this trip and nothing about this trip is something that would seem problematic, except maybe discomfort and boredom from travelling a whole day to and forth. Its basically the general capacity of the trip and the fact that ive never done anything like this before. Ive never been on a plane. I havent been out of my own city in 10 years. The anxiety has no reason or excuse. It doesn't explain itself. Its just there. I agree, I may never be able to completely rid myself of it, but I need to learn how to manage it to a level where I can function and it wont be so mentally and physically debilitating.

Hry33, there lies my problem with my bout with fear and anxiety. I can't find a doctor or MD or psychiatrist that would even consider giving me any benzo or valium type of medication. And these appointments they give me are so few and far between. I go into great detail about my anxiety and how crippling it is. Ive been on every single SSRI made probably. I take Prozac currently. The only anxiety medication they are willing to give me is Busphar and Hydroxyzine. Bushpar does absolutely nothing. Hydroxyzine makes me sleepy and thats about it. So all I can do is try to fight this somehow on my own. Ive went to druge stores and tried valerian, kava, st johns worth, passion flower, hops, inositol, vitamins, everything under the sun. Ive been to group therapy, dozens of counselors, pyschiastrists. Im constantly changing MD's. My last MD told me, "Everything Ive given you has either made you sick or not worked so I cant help you, go somewhere else." I said what about Xanax, or Ativan, or Clonazepam, or any other anti-anxiety medication. And she told me, "I gave you Hydroxyzine and Busphar, they work just like the others except theyre not addictive but you seem unresponsive to them so I cant help you." So I said, well that doesnt mean nothing can work for me. So then she told me, ok Im going to prescribe you something called "atarax." Before I went to get the prescription filled I went home and did a search on Atarax, and its basically Hydroxyzine. I went back to her office and told her and the last thing she told me to look for was something called Benadril. I did that but from what Ive read all that does is help you sleep.

I see another MD on the 22nd. But I have no reason to be optimistic about it. Im paying alot of money for a bunch of nothing. I dont know why the doctors in my area have such a issue with perscribing certain things. Is it because Im young, im not that young, i just turned 26. I hate to bring this up even but is it because Im a black person? Do they think I will deal drugs? Is it because of my insurance or something, I dunno. If they expect me to come into the office shaking and crying and acting crazy im not. Im not going to fake anything. My anxiety is severe but It doesnt cause me to be severely disfunctional because when Im talking to them Im very clear, coherent and precise about what im going through. And I suppose that they only prescribe benzo's or valium to people who lean towards being a little disfunctional or something. So I guess im not. I just dont know. Theres this discomfort or bias towards certain drugs it seems. Lately Ive just experienced very unsympathetic, unreasonable and perhaps illogical people in the medical field. I dont know what to tell these people anymore. Im growing anomosity towards them. I just hope the guy I see on the 22nd helps me. Im not really looking forward to taking something thats addictive, but for her, for this trip, Ill take anything and do whatever it takes. I just hope hes willing to prescribe it.

Hry33, Im not too proud to take medication. I realize I need to be medicated. Like I said, it never became more apparent to me how much so than on the day before my flight. I wanted medication to be a last resort but for the last couple years Ive taken medication willingly. If there is anything else I can do I would greatly appreciate the help.

Kali23, how was your husband so successful at coaxing you to work. I think another problem I have is Im alone, I dont really have any friends or family who is understanding enough to be able to provide me with support. My family think im a lazy and unmotivated. Im determined. But it doesnt take much strength to make a phonecall and rebook a flight thats 3 weeks away. Once the date is closer and closer, all the strength and determination just washes away. Right now, Im gonna set aside a day and pack my clothes, checkout some books, buy some music cd's and snacks, new clothes, etc so it wont be such a huge hurdle for me later. And maybe in a week or two Ill actually take a drive to the airport. Ive never been there. Maybe thatll help, i dont know.

Thats for your posts, I know im grabbing at straws but Im desperate and willing to do anything I can to get on that plane. But I agree with hry33, you cant really fight what goes haywire in your mind. If I feel anything like I did last time, I know i wont be able to go. I can get on a plane being a nervous wreck, but when it breaks you down to the point you can barely breathe, walk, and dizzy and stomach turning, its really nothing you can do.
[QUOTE=Man Apart]Thank you Kali23, I know I "can do it" physically. But the mind is everything and controls everything. I know im not going to die or get hurt or get lost changing planes even. I can break down every aspect of this trip and nothing about this trip is something that would seem problematic, except maybe discomfort and boredom from travelling a whole day to and forth. Its basically the general capacity of the trip and the fact that ive never done anything like this before. Ive never been on a plane. I havent been out of my own city in 10 years. The anxiety has no reason or excuse. It doesn't explain itself. Its just there. I agree, I may never be able to completely rid myself of it, but I need to learn how to manage it to a level where I can function and it wont be so mentally and physically debilitating.

Hry33, there lies my problem with my bout with fear and anxiety. I can't find a doctor or MD or psychiatrist that would even consider giving me any benzo or valium type of medication. And these appointments they give me are so few and far between. I go into great detail about my anxiety and how crippling it is. Ive been on every single SSRI made probably. I take Prozac currently. The only anxiety medication they are willing to give me is Busphar and Hydroxyzine. Bushpar does absolutely nothing. Hydroxyzine makes me sleepy and thats about it. So all I can do is try to fight this somehow on my own. Ive went to druge stores and tried valerian, kava, st johns worth, passion flower, hops, inositol, vitamins, everything under the sun. Ive been to group therapy, dozens of counselors, pyschiastrists. Im constantly changing MD's. My last MD told me, "Everything Ive given you has either made you sick or not worked so I cant help you, go somewhere else." I said what about Xanax, or Ativan, or Clonazepam, or any other anti-anxiety medication. And she told me, "I gave you Hydroxyzine and Busphar, they work just like the others except theyre not addictive but you seem unresponsive to them so I cant help you." So I said, well that doesnt mean nothing can work for me. So then she told me, ok Im going to prescribe you something called "atarax." Before I went to get the prescription filled I went home and did a search on Atarax, and its basically Hydroxyzine. I went back to her office and told her and the last thing she told me to look for was something called Benadril. I did that but from what Ive read all that does is help you sleep.

I see another MD on the 22nd. But I have no reason to be optimistic about it. Im paying alot of money for a bunch of nothing. I dont know why the doctors in my area have such a issue with perscribing certain things. Is it because Im young, im not that young, i just turned 26. I hate to bring this up even but is it because Im a black person? Do they think I will deal drugs? Is it because of my insurance or something, I dunno. If they expect me to come into the office shaking and crying and acting crazy im not. Im not going to fake anything. My anxiety is severe but It doesnt cause me to be severely disfunctional because when Im talking to them Im very clear, coherent and precise about what im going through. And I suppose that they only prescribe benzo's or valium to people who lean towards being a little disfunctional or something. So I guess im not. I just dont know. Theres this discomfort or bias towards certain drugs it seems. Lately Ive just experienced very unsympathetic, unreasonable and perhaps illogical people in the medical field. I dont know what to tell these people anymore. Im growing anomosity towards them. I just hope the guy I see on the 22nd helps me. Im not really looking forward to taking something thats addictive, but for her, for this trip, Ill take anything and do whatever it takes. I just hope hes willing to prescribe it.

Hry33, Im not too proud to take medication. I realize I need to be medicated. Like I said, it never became more apparent to me how much so than on the day before my flight. I wanted medication to be a last resort but for the last couple years Ive taken medication willingly. If there is anything else I can do I would greatly appreciate the help.

Kali23, how was your husband so successful at coaxing you to work. I think another problem I have is Im alone, I dont really have any friends or family who is understanding enough to be able to provide me with support. My family think im a lazy and unmotivated. Im determined. But it doesnt take much strength to make a phonecall and rebook a flight thats 3 weeks away. Once the date is closer and closer, all the strength and determination just washes away. Right now, Im gonna set aside a day and pack my clothes, checkout some books, buy some music cd's and snacks, new clothes, etc so it wont be such a huge hurdle for me later. And maybe in a week or two Ill actually take a drive to the airport. Ive never been there. Maybe thatll help, i dont know.

Thats for your posts, I know im grabbing at straws but Im desperate and willing to do anything I can to get on that plane. But I agree with hry33, you cant really fight what goes haywire in your mind. If I feel anything like I did last time, I know i wont be able to go. I can get on a plane being a nervous wreck, but when it breaks you down to the point you can barely breathe, walk, and dizzy and stomach turning, its really nothing you can do.[/QUOTE]

Oh my gosh your story is so sad. I'm sure you'll be fine this time .. do not give up .. you will regret as much as you probably did the last time. I know exactly what you're going through but you can do it :)





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