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warning this is kind of long.......


Let me start off by telling you my story..

at age 17 in march of 1994 i was just sitting in class one day and got hit with a racing pounding heart, blurred sight, feeling like i was gonna puke and pass out.. i couldnt even walk.. and had to have my friend and teacher walk on either side of me on the way to the nurse so i didnt fall over.. told her what was going on, she check my blood pressure and it was through the roof.. she called my mom to come get me..
for the next few days i felt really weird like i couldnt think or anything it was like i was in a fog.. went to the Dr. after i kept having the same things happen day after day.. i was scared!.. he knew right away what it was and i was diagnosed with panic disorder.. he gave me a script for xanax and i was told to take 4 a day ( not when needed) which looking back now was not good.. after a week or 2 i seemed to start feeling a bit better but still on edge that it would happen again.. tried going back to school with no luck because i started getting attacks again.. they were getting so bad that i was in a state of terror all day every day... and both me and my family we wondering if something else was wrong with me.. we went through what seemed like 100 different tests.. MRI, heart, blood.. ect everything came back fine... but i was still sure there was something wrong with me... i am not sure when it happened but i developed this fear of being alone and had to be with my mother 24/7 or i would freak out and have another attack.. i couldnt leave the house unless she was with me and even then i was really scared.. all the time feeling like i was in a dream..

we went to many different shrinks trying to find someone that could help.. and i was given many different ADs to try and treat it.. non of which helped.
i was so sure i was losing my mind.. one day i remember very clear was having it get so bad i started crying/freaking and couldnt stop.. and ended up in the ER.. they said i had major depression ( which i didnt and i know i didnt i was just really scared and upset..) after that day i started to feel a little better.. i dont know why maybe because i got all the pent up emotion out of my system..

i finally gave up on trying meds and shrinks because non of them seemed to know much about it back then and i just started to live with..

over time i was able to get myself stable in being alone again and leaving the house by myself.. i was still really anxious but by the fall/winter of 1995 i was back on track and doing good.. i would still get anxious from time to time but nothing like before.. i stil had the underlying fear that it could happen again but i guess i kept my mind busy enough that it didnt bother me.. as more time went by i got less anxious..

at some point between 1996-1997 (i dont remember when) i started to develop this fear of getting sick.. i wouldnt touch public door knobs or eat anything i didnt cook at home because i was afraid of getting a cold/flu or food poisoning.. i knida of know why this happened because there was some flu thing going around that was spread by chickens.. asian flu maybe?.. and i would always worry about it and then i stated to make up other stuff in my mind that could happen or i could get sick from.. and i was so worried that if i did get sick i would die.. this went on for quite a while until about 1999.. when i met my now wife.. i have a feeling my mind was so occupied with her that i forgot all about my problems and they seemed to vanish..

we got married in 2001 and everything has been going good for me until jan of 2005.. i had started drinking a few months before (nasty habbit i picked up from going to a few partys) ....one night i was sitting infront of the computer drunk playing a game and kind of zoning out on it when i got this weird thought in my head about killing my wife.. needless to say it scared the crap out of me and sent me into a panic/anxiety attack.. i couldnt believe i would even think such a thing.. i mean it really messed me up!..

so after that i stopped drinking any alcohol.. but i couldnt get that darn thought out of my head no matter how hard i tried.. i would even see my self in my mind grabbing a knife and stabbing her and every time i had a thought like that i would freak and have another anxiety attack... i was feeling more and more scared and anxious as the days went by and kept thinking what if i was going insane or becoming schizo..

so like a moron i started to look up symptoms on the net and yeah i meet some of them..
after reading the symptoms i started to worry about it more and become more anxious and scared.. ever sence then i have been nit picking every little thing that may meet the symptoms and i actually believe i have it now.. which sucks.. for example i was thinking about hearing voices and i started to make them up in my head.. i knew i was doing it but it still scared me.. and now i cant get that thought out of my head..

another example... i was again i was looking at the symptoms and saw that it can cause a change in taste.. as i was reading it a i had an anxiety attack and low and behold the next thing i ate tasted weird to me..


and one more.. now every time i try to think about something or when i lay down to sleep my thoughts race like crazy most of them are really weird and make no sense at all..


uggghh this is getting really out of control... its been 6 months since that night when it first started again and i am anxious all the time worring about something i probably dont have but i am tricking myself into thinking i do.. i cant think about anything else.. and feel like i am losing it..


has anyone else had anything like this happen to them? can just the power of suggestion really make a person that is prone to anxiety/panic make up symptoms of another mental/physical problem? and actually believe them?





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