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Hi

What follows is a private diary I've kept for the last 2-1/2 weeks. I've had anxiety and panic for ages but it's been just horrible lately and I really wanted to start keeping a diary and even share it with all of you to get some feedback. Here is a private look into my daily struggles with this beast. Perhaps many of you can relate. I'd love to hear from you...

* THURSDAY (Jul 21, 2005): Drank 4-5 beers in an attempt to relieve the horrible feelings I'm having (RLS, anxiety, yucky feeling all over, etc). That night as I lay in bed, a mild shock-like sensation went across the front of my neck (weird). Awoke at 4:00AM, sat at the computer for an hour and finally crawled back into bed.

* FRIDAY (Jul 22, 2005): Woke up feeling good and well-rested. Took a long walk, had only one cup of coffee and got a lot done around the house. I had some pretty bad heart palpitations later that day so I took a whole Atenolol (I usually don't take it at all or I just take a 1/2 of one). I also took a Lorazepam because my anxiety was acting up again and later, I had just one beer with my dinner. For the rest of the evening I just did'nt feel right at all. My stomach felt very sensitive (but not nauseous), I felt very weak and I had mild chills (but not fever-type chills) come over me every so often. I felt horrible but my temp was normal on the digital thermometer (97.9 just now when I took it). I've had diarrhea all day - perhaps from drinking yesterday).

* SATURDAY (Jul 23, 2005): Woke up feeling quite a bit better. Had one cup of decaf coffee. It is now 10:48AM and I feel extremely weak and fatiqued. My stomach still feels a little sensitive at times but not as bad as yesterday. I have not taken any meds yet today. My nose has also been dripping a little bit. UPDATE: It's 4:36 now and I took a Hydroxyzine about 4 hours ago. I feel so weak and tired...like a limp dish rag. My anxiety is really bad too so I just took a Lorazepam. I think I was bitten by a mosquito about 3-4 days ago (my finger itched for a day and a half and I killed a mosquito in the bathroom later on) and wonder if I ended up with West Nile Virus or something. I hav'nt had a bowel movement all day.

NOTE: for the past several months if I look at something head-on, I see it normally but if I turn my head to the left or right (while maintaining focus on the object), I see an overlapping image (or double vision if I turn my head really far to the left or right while focusing on the object). The farther away the object, the greater the double-visiion effect). My left eye is very blurry too and I see double out of it sometimes.

* SUNDAY (Jul 24, 2005): I hav'nt had a drink in several days. My stomach burned like fire all night (I have GERD). I quit breathing during the night and woke up gasping for air but finally caught my breath and went back to sleep. I've been having some mild shortness of breath and the visual distortions are continuing (ie; when I look at my keyboard the keys look kind of scrambled, etc). I still feel weak. One good thing is that I hav'nt had "Restless legs" (RLS) in 3 days now. I am drinking a cup of decaf now and will write more later. UPDATE (11:38AM): My anxiety was acting up really bad so I just took a Lorazepam. My stools were "firm" this morning but now I have diarrhea again (alcohol withdrawal?). ANOTHER UPDATE (1:18PM): A little while after taking the Lorazepam, I was feeling considerably better (anxiety and some other symptoms gone) and cleaned both the goose and goat pen (a major task!). More later if I feel good.

* MONDAY (Jul 25, 2005): Well, I ended up having a really good day yesterday. The Lorazepam seemed to wipe out a lot of my symptoms and I was able to get a TON of things done and even drank a few beers that evening (but did NOT get enebriated), ate a nice dinner and even watched a movie. I went to bed feeling really good too but sweated a lot throughout the night (anxiety?...alcohol?...illness?). I seem to sweat more often after drinking alcohol for some reason. Alcohol also makes me dehydrated and have soft stools/diarrhea I've noticed. This morning, I feel kind of drained/weak but not as bad as yesterday. I will write more later. UPDATE (4:23PM) I just remembered that when I woke up this morning, there was a stabbing pain in the center of my left wrist. I also noticed that when I poke at this area, it feels like powerful electrical jolts are coming out of my thumb and index finger. I've also had some mild tingling in the little finger and the finger next to that in my right hand.

* TUESDAY (Jul 26, 2005): Well, outside of some mild anxiety and other problems, I don't feel all that bad this morning (not necessarilly good but I don't feel horrible either). I did have some mild RLS again in the middle of the night but not too bad. UPDATE (10:07 AM) My anxiety is starting to get pretty bad so I just took a Lorazpam. UPDATE (11:48 AM) My anxiety has calmed down quite a bit and I have been doing a lot of things around the house.

* WEDNESDAY (Jul 27, 2005): Felt fairly "normal" today. My restless legs have been acting up off and on (almost always when I lay down in bed to sleep) and I have varying degrees of discomfort. I have been taking Lorazepam during the day for really severe anxiety which starts late in the mornings (The Lorazepam has worked wonders for this!) and Atarax at night (sometimes). Still having numbness, stiffness, pain, etc in left hand where I have carpal tunnel, ulnar nerve entrapment and I where I just recently had tendon suregry.

* THURSDAY (Jul 28, 2005): Ditto

* FRIDAY (Jul 29, 2005): Ditto

* SATURDAY (Jul 30, 2005): Ditto

* SUNDAY (Jul 31, 2005): Ditto

* MONDAY (Aug 1, 2005): Fell asleep on floor while watching TV. Woke up. Turned head to left to look at window to see if it was daylight yet and had severe positional vertigo. It felt like my whole body was spinning/rotating and sinking into the floor (VERY intense and very scary!). I've never experienced vertigo this bad and it was far worse that just a simple "head rush" you might get if you stood up really fast, etc. I am deeply concerned about this.

* TUESDAY (Aug 2, 2005): I still don't feel quite right (kind of spacy and "out of it" from yesterday). I would really like to get a CT SCAN w/contrast just to rule anything out involving my brain. All these wierd symptoms are starting to really concern me.

* WEDNESDAY (Aug 3, 2005): Woke up, had coffee. I took a Lorazepam for anxiety. Right now I don't feel too bad. Will write more later.

* THURSDAY (Aug 4, 2005): Woke up very early (1:30AM) and felt very anxious and nervous. Sat at the computer for awhile and had a HORRIBLE panic attack at about 2:00AM. I took a Lorazepam and crawled back into bed. Had all kinds of weird feelings in my right foot, short of breath, weird sensations in my head and had a terrible time getting back to sleep. It was AWFUL!!. It's now 2:24PM and the anxiety is still there below the surface. UPDATE: (12:11AM) Just woke up and am feeling "ok" but still don't feel right.

* FRIDAY (Aug 5, 2005): It's 7:33PM. I've been feeling anxious and my head has felt all foggy/spacey today. I'm concerned about my vision problems. My eyes just get all buggy and if I turn my head to the right or left, I see double. I had itching on my index finger where I had tendon surgery for a day and a half and it has been numb ever since but I may have been having problems before because of the reasons I've already stated in other parts of this diary. Again, I would be VERY interested in a CT scan w/contrast and an ultrasound of my neck/arteries. I don't think I've ever had one and would like to rule out anything serious. That positional vertigo attack the other day REALLY scared me to death!.

* SATURDAY (Aug 6, 2005): Anxiety as usual. Took a Lorazepam and it went away within an hour but I made the mistake of having a few drinks later this evening (I don't drink every day by the way and I don't really get "drunk").

* SUNDAY (Aug 7, 2005): I should never have had those drinks last night. Alcohol seems to make my anxiety MUCH worse and I had all kinds of lucid nightmares and panic attacks off and on throughout the night. I woke up and took a Lorazepam and I have not (and will not) be having ANY alcohol today!. I still hav'nt fully recovered from my initial positional vertigo attack and although I hav'nt had another once since the other day, every once in awhile, I still get this weird "elevator" like sensation in my head (it's really weird and causes me to have a panic attack). It's like having "butterflies" in your head instead of in your stomach and it scares me and makes me really want to have a CT scan/neck ultrasound to see what is going on once and for all.

END

I have had TONS of tests and so far, everything has come back "normal". Just wanted to share this and would LOVE some input, suggestions, advice, etc.

- Regards, Lonely Traveler





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