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That was a great story! I know it's been a struggle for you but wow! How interesting! You know, you could honestly write a book about your successes and failures along the way while dealing with such a condition as anxiety.
I know I would buy a copy! I agree, it feels good to know you're not alone in the world when having to live with an illness. I used to have panic & anxiety attacks but the meds are helping me too so, I'm back to normal now and getting married soon too. I have always had those same thoughts, "am I just settling for this person, maybe I should hold out, I can probably do better" but this man I am getting married to soon is perfect! I've never met anyone that I love everything about and get along with so well so, why on earth would I ever think something like that!
Ok, now, I wanted to tell you...
My uncle... His wife, before & after they were married went through the exact things you are going through now. She would get better and stop the meds. Then get horrible and life would fall appart. She does this even to this day but no where near as often. it is a process that for her is never ending. My uncle though has been very understanding and caring for her through all of this so, your girl sounds like a perfect match for you! My aunt and uncle are so in love even after years of up's and downs with this. They have 2 great sons who are in college right now and just a great family... About once a year for a few years she wouldn't tell anyone and stop taking her meds... Within a week or so she starts to have bad thoughts about everything or obsess about something small and then it just gets worse and worse. My uncle though knows her well enough now that he realizes right away because of her actions that she has stopped taking her meds and she will lie to him saying she is taking them. At that point he will get her pill and give it to her each day for a week or so and then she's back to normal and always so happy that he stepped in to get her back on track. Because of him helping her keep up her medications when she feels she don't need it anymore she has been able to have a very normal, and happy life in all areas of her life.
You're for sure with the right woman for you so, stick with it! You're going to have a great life with your best friend and the love of your life! Not too many people can say that so, you're very lucky to have eachother.
My aunt after a while was the one who told my uncle that if he notices that she is going through one of her bad spells to step in and make sure she gets her meds for a while till she gets back to normal. She's been doing this for about 25 years now... Life gets good. She decided she's better and stops taking the meds, then life gets very bad and gets back on the meds.
Some people just have to stay on meds all of their life in order to be able feel good, happy, normal, etc... That's just the way it is and it's not a bad thing because if your lucky enough to have meds that do work for you then you'll be fine through out your life. I thought about stopping my zoloft once recently and she told me this:
She said, "I think of it like this... If I had a heart problem and had to take heart medications to live a normal healthy life then I would never just hop off the meds because I was feeling better. If I stopped taking it then my heart might stop too". So, it's true. If a person has any type of illness and there are medications that make you better as long as you stay on them then why on earth stop the medication because it will make your illness bad again.
I think for her, accepting that she has a mental illness was the hard part. As long as life was good then she stopped accepting that she was ill. As soon as she was ill again she would accept it again and start over. Don't be like her, 25+ years to realize that she's just one of the many people in the world that truly needs her meds to live a normal life and be happy.
You already realize your pattern and that's a great start. Your girl accepts you as you are and that's a gift from God to you. Just be open with her as you have been and maybe you can tell her that if she notices these changes in you then she can help out with your meds till you get back on track so, that you don't fall appart again. Everyone needs a kick in the pants every now and then to keep on track. I know I've had to have my fare share of them! ;)
Good luck and best wishes to you and your soon to be wife!

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