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That made me feel absolutely horrible, I couldn't imagine life without Janet, but at the same time I didn't want to end up like my mom. Was she right? Would proceeding lead to divorce and heart break? I began to analyze everything between me and Janet. If she said something that annoyed me, I made a mental note of. I put her under the microscope that I had put my physical symptons so many times before. Selectively thinking about the bad things and forgetting the good. Still I couldn't stand the tought of losing her. Before graduation, I told Janet how I had been feeling and I think it really broke her heart, she had no clue I had been feeling that way about her. She told me she knew I was the one for her and she was willing to stand by me through anything. We agreed to hold off on anything until I had been through some counselling.

Like everytime before, I got better. The headaches went away, my friend had surgery and the tumor was removed without incident, college graduation came and went and I went on to graduate school. I quit having the bad feelings towards Janet and felt so bad for putting her through it. She was understanding and happy to have the real me back. Graduate school for me was in a different town and Janet had to stay behind to finish up college for 1 year. We kept things together during that year. There was a girl in graduate school who I hung out with a lot and really started liking me. I liked her, too, but when presented the choice between her and Janet, it wasn't even close. Janet was my best friend. I am so comfortable around her, I can spend weeks with just her and never get tired of each other. She moved to the city where I was going to school and began to work. The second year of grad school was good, I was totally recommitted to her after the "doubts" spell and the minor blip with the other girl (we never actually did anything, it was just mutual "feelings," looking back now, I realize it was mainly loneliness on my part and I can't imagine what I was thinking). Things were going up again and of course, I got off my meds. I hate taking those things, especially when I am doing good!!

Anyway during my final (3rd) year at grad school, I decided I was ready to propose to Janet. I bought the ring and prepared the proposal. At the same time, I begin to get that old creeping feeling. It started slowly with me remembering back to my senior year, thinking why did I have those thoughts about Janet? am I just settling for her? Then before long it was full blown again. This time we decided maybe we should just break it off. (sorry getting short on details because this is getting way too long) It was difficult for both of us, but at the time we thought it was what had to be done. I lasted maybe 3 weeks. I was a total wreck, it was not at all what I wanted. I just couldn't stand being without her, not talking to her everyday. I begain to realize all that I had just taken for granted. Just hearing her say "I love you," having her call me in the middle of the day for no reason, etc. etc. I went back to her begging for another chance, she was skeptical, but I had been getting counseling again (and yes, back on meds). For our 2nd time, we "started over" and I was happy again. Six months later I proposed, and though I was nervous, it felt right.

We are set to be married in February. During the summer I stopped taking my meds because I started my new job and thought that stability from my job and being engaged would provide enough comfort that my anxiety problems were over (noticing a trend yet???). Well sure enough, last weekend it happened. My fiancee' and I were at a wedding store looking at invitations, and I started to get those little thoughts again. Now a week later, they've turned into big thoughts and keep me up at night and pretty much make my days hell. I want to take action now before it turns into full blown depression. I am thinking about finding a good psychiatrist in the area and I suppose getting back on medication.

I DO NOT want to call of the wedding or even postpone it. I've dated Janet for 6 years now. We've had so many great times together and been through so much, I know we can make it through this. I love being with her and I love imagining our lives together. When I'm well, everything is good. I know that it is my "sickness" causing these thoughts and I don't want to 'give in' to them. I'm just scared about it all, growing up, having children. Of course, I get those silly thoughts about why Janet can't make me well and those negative obsessive thoughts about her faults (however minor they are). I really just want to shake that and be done with it for good.

I just want to get my life back to how it was as a sophmore in college, when I was just happy being me. I've had flashes of it and want it back totally.

If you've read this far, you may have a biased view of how things are from the way I have told the story. Keep in mind, I'm in the negative down time right now and I just hit the points that I thought would be most relevant.

Please don't tell me I need to "call it off" or that "second thoughts = certain doom" because thats really not what I need right now. That would be like if in highschool when I was having the hypochondriac phase, I went to a health board and asked about dizzy spells and headaches,a nd people started telling me to go see a doctor immediately, etc.

Really I just want to hear from someone who has been through something similar that can tell me it will all be okay.

I've been through this so many times, its the same pattern, the same feelings, the same results. I really should have it figured out by now, but it should does help for me to hear other's with the same experiences.

Well, I think I'm done writing, this thing is two or three paragraphs short of being ready for a publisher. Sorry about that and if you are still reading, thank you so much for taking the time. I look forward to hearing comments and will try to clarify, answer any questions, or respond in any way I can.





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