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After being off meds for a few years something will retrigger the anxiety attacks and it will be like an electric shock wave that starts in my lower spine and radiates up to my neck. Once they start again there is no stopping them without going back on medication. I always lose my appetite aftarwards and cannot eat, that is one reason I go back on meds. I always have a sense of doom during the attack, like I've fallen in a dark hole and will never be let out. Then the hot flashes begin and last all night waking me up constantly. I just get sicker and sicker as the days go by and then I finally give in, go to the Doctor and get back on medication. Then I spend the next 3 months waiting for the med to kick in and wondering why I have this awful disease to begin with which started when I was 40. I have pitty parties by myself every day and envy all the people who seem so healthy and have fantastic careers and lives and never seem to miss a beat nor are ever depressed or have panic or ever, ever, lose their appetite. And when someone tells me, "Oh, you lose your appetite?...gee I wish I could lose mine, I would love to lose some weight,", I feel like slugging them. If they only knew what it was like to REALLY lose their appetite and not want to eat anything for weeks at a time they wouldn't be so insensitive.

I want to work like I did from the ages of 16-40 when I had to quit my job. I'm a housewife now whether I want to be or not. It is actually nice being home all the time and being able to watch my grandkids a lot, but I would have liked to make the choice normally, not through illness. Well, sorry this is so long, just venting....





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