It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Anxiety Message Board


Anxiety Board Index
Board Index > Anxiety | 0-9 A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z


Here's my story...I have to warn you, it's VERY long!

I warned you, I don't post often but when I do I write a novel so here it comes.

I used to always say that I had my first panic attack at age 16, but when I look back on it I know that I had them from a very young age.
The thing is I was so young that I didn't know that you weren't supposed to feel the way I did.
I also have OCD, also from a very young age.
I can remember having to count and sort things have things just "SO" and having to do things the same way everytime I did them from before I even went to school.

But the first panic attack that I had where I knew I wasn't supposed to feel the way I did, happened when I was 16 years old.
There was nothing wrong, nothing bad had happened I wasn't worried about anything I was happy as a clam.
I was taking clothes out of the dryer and all of a sudden this feeling came over me, I was scared out of my mind but I didn't know what I was scared of.
I started to sweat and shake and my heart started to pound, felt like I couldn't get enough air to breath, I was dizzy...but the worst thing was that I felt like I wasn't real...it was almost like I was watching myself...I felt like my body was where it was supposed to be but my head was attached by a string and it was floating down the hallway away from me.
I felt like if I touched my arm that my hand would go right through it...like I was made of mist.
That feeling will stay with me for the rest of my life, I'll never be able to forget that feeling of overwhelming terror.

I stopped folding the clothes and told my Mom that I was going to bed, I told her I didn't feel good...I couldn't tell her that I was going crazy ( because that's what I thought was happening to me).
I stayed home from school for days, my boyfriend (Husband now) came over and asked what was wrong....so I told him even though I thought he'd probably run the other way he didn't.
He told me to tell my Mom and have her take me to the Doctors.
So I did.

The first thing out of my mouth when I walked into his office was "I'm either losing my mind, or I'm dying"...he just looked at me and smiled and said.
"I doubt very much if either of those things is true."
He told me that people who truely are losing they're minds never think they are, they think that they're perfectly sane and the rest of the world is crazy.
He asked me what was wrong so I told him.
He said it could be many things...none of which was going to kill me and he ordered all kinds of tests.
Tests for high or low blood sugar..that was fine.
Thyroid...that was fine.
Other things that I can't remember.
Heart tests...looking I would imagine for MVP...I'm sure he told me at the time, but I can't remember now.
EKG...he showed me a book with a picture of a normal EKG and one for an abmormal one, then he showed me my print out..you guessed it...it looked like the normal one.

That's when he told me that what I had was a panic disorder.
I was young and at the time they must have given benzo's to young people more freely because he gave me Xanax.
He did explain to me that some people...not all...have problems with it they become dependent on or tolorant to it but he again said that it does not happen to everyone.
He told me that just because the bottle said I could take "X" amount "X" amount of times a day, didn't mean I needed to.
He said if I could talk myself out of an attack to do that before I ran for the pill bottle...so that's what I did.
I was "Allowed" to take up to I think 1 MG. a day, but I never took that much...the most I took was half a MG.

He also asked me if anyone in my family had panic disorder...since they had just come on out of the blue he told me it was likely that someone in my family...he said it could be generations back...had also had it.
At the time I had no idea if anyone in my family had suffered with it...if they had they sure didn't talk about it.

So I asked my Mother later that day.
This is something else I'll never forget, she got tears in her eyes and told me that she was sorry that I was sick because of her.
That kind of freaked me out because I didn't remember my Mom ever having an attack.
I came to find out later that she'd had them for years, she even had to leave school in the 11th grade because she just couldn't deal with it...of course at that time they weren't called panic attacks or panic disorder..she said the Doctor had told my Grandmother that she was "high strung".
But, she hadn't had a problem for years.
Then she told me that my Grandfather...her Father...had also had them when she was a little girl.
She said that he'd been fine for a couple of months and then he'd have to "Go away"...they had no clue back then what was wrong with him so he'd go to a hospital for a couple of weeks every few months.

I found out years later that several people...all on my Mother's side of the family had or still have the same problem...yet I'm the only one of my siblings who ever had a problem...I'm the only one with OCD also.
Some people say it doesn't run in families, that it's a learned behavior...in other words someone in your family has them and you pick up on it and feed off of it and you have them too.
But, my Doctor told me that while that is true for some, it's not true in all cases...me for instance....my Mother wasn't having attacks after I was born, my Grandfather died years before I was born and the other people in my family that have them, I only say maybe once of twice a year...so he said that it most certainly can and does run in families.

I got off track there a little bit...anyway I had attacks from 16 until about the age of 23.
Then one day I woke up and I knew something was different...I felt great...they had just simple gone away out of the blue, the same way they came...for no reason at all they were just gone.
My Doctor said that it just happens that way sometimes...I asked him why and he just smiled and told me that if he or anyone else know the answer to that then they'd be very rich

They stayed away until I was almost 30, then one day I was sitting outside drinking iced tea and all of a sudden it hit me out of the blue I was scared to death, it was just the same as it had been years before.
I knew in my heart what it was, but I couldn't make my head believe I wasn't dying...so off to the ER we went.
They did all the tests and asked me if I knew what a panic attack was...I told them I did and explained that I'd suffered from them before.
He told me to make an appointment with my Doctor.
I did and went back on the Xanax...this time I took 1 quarter mg. twice a day everyday for 7 years...never took more, never felt like I needed more, never felt them wear off....I might get my head handed to me for saying this, but that's what saved me.

Along the way I'd come up with these ideas that I wanted to try something different...why I don't know, the Xanax worked like a charm...but I get and idea in my head and I can't get it out...OCD is such fun
Tired ativan and Klonopin...couldn't deal with either of those...lowest dose made me feel like a zombie...so it was back to my Xanax.
My Doctor, God bless him never once said "I told you so"...I go to him and ask if I could try something else and he say to me "Doesn't the Xanax work" I'd say yes and he'd just shake his head and say "Okay, if you want to try something else we will, but why mess with success."
I could have saved myself a lot of trouble if I'd have listened to him

Tried two AD's had allergic reactions to both of them.
Tried P'doc's...all they wanted to do was blame it on some horrible thing that they were just sure had happend in my past...one even tried to tell me that the dryer had triggered a bad memory...he thought perhaps my parents had shut me in the dryer when I was a child.....needless to say I never went back to him...he needed more help than I did

Tried therapy in a group run by a P'doc...he was more interested in pushing SSRI's than anything else.
Finally found a group run by a former sufferer, that really helped me...nobody tried to push anything on you, they just let you talk.

Tried the "Natural" stuff...I might as well have been taking tic-tacs...they did nothing.
Tried reading books, but nothing they said was new to me...I already knew that I had to change the way I was thinking.

Also, just because that stuff didn't work for me, doesn't mean it won't work for someone else.
Whatever works best for you is what you should do...for me it was the Xanax for others it's one of those things that didn't work for me...or a combo of meds and therapy...the trick is finding what works for you.

Anyway back to my LONG story...I woke up one day about 2 years ago now and the attacks where just gone again.
I weaned of the Xanax with the help of my Doctor and I haven't looked back since.

I know there's a chance that they may come back and if they do I'll deal with them.
I've dealt with it twice before and come out the other end and I know that I can do it again, because no matter how strong they are I'm stronger.





All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:00 AM.





2019 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!