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At last I have found somewhere I can share this, as I think its time to.

I used to love going out and being a social person. Starting full time work slowed me down a little, and then I moved house aswell. By the next year i was feeling extremely tired,and doctor put it down to previoulsly having a slight case of glandular fever. Everything seemed to be going along, normal ups and downs of life.
My partner and I finally decided on a wedding date after a long engagment. I was in a stressful job, which when other workers complained of being stress, all our boss would say is " dont you think we are too"! The planning of the wedding went fairly smoothly. My partner become ill, and the scariest thing was seing him unconsious. My father was also hospitalised at this time as well.
I suffered an anxiety attack. I had to pick my partner up from work. I couldnt breathe. I rang his work and had to get him a few minutes early. He didnt. I thought i was going to die. By the time we got home, a little while after i hadnt improved and he took me to the emergency room. The doctor said i was only having an panic attack...and as soon as the word wedding was mentioned, that was the cause of it all.
I have try to avoid any situation i can socially. I hate the thought of having another one of these. Its hurting my friendships. I missed my best friends hens night because of it.
I went and saw my GP afterwards (who i dont regularly see) and she gave me some valium just in case for the wedding. On the day i was fine.
My work situation became worst as a friend betrayed my trust when my job position changed from a temp to a permanent position. She got the job ove me. I pushed myself to go to work until i finished.
Im finding it more hard to get up and feel positive about the day. I dont have a job at the moment. Im doing temp work- well im supposed to be. I cant face it. My chest feels all tight inside when i think about it. I hate not being organised and in control. I have ended up pulling the phone out at night and turning my mobile off, so they cant contact me. So far, out of 2 weeks, they have only rang once, Today. Thats why i think i feel so gulity. My husband is working 6 days a week-we are seriously strugglying to pay the bills yet im doing this.
I feel like such a failure to him that im lying in a way. I just cant face going out, what if i feel sick on the way there.

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