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have been with my fiance for 6 years. We got pregnant (well I got pregnant) when we were together for only 6 months). He was upset at first, but then started liking the idea that I was pregnant (I already had a young daughter from a previous broken relationship).

During my pregnancy, he had a friend who kept trying to put thoughts it his head that I was unfaithful (I never liked this friends, and told him this, but it WAS his friend, and I put up with him) - this would cause fights.

After I had my son, things went wonderfully. But as he grew, my fiance's patience grew less. He would smack, push, kick my son (not hard, but enough to upset him). I've told him to stop, and he would tell me that nothing was wrong. My son never got actual marks, but it would always bug me.

He used to train for wrestling, so he was (and is still) a very large man. I have no doubt that he loves me and the kids, he's never hit me, but we would get into fights over nothing. He has pushed me on one occasion.

From the age of 1, my son had some severe anger and misbehaviour problems (kicked out of 3 daycares within 2 years), one of the daycares had told me about a program that is run in my city by the Salvation Army for children with behaviour and emotional problems. Since my son has started, he has been doing fairly well. He attends a dayhome with an angel of a day-mom. He has only threatened once that she didn't want to take him (too out of control, swearing, hitting, breaking windows etc.).

I am overweight, and smoke.

About a year ago, when I would go to bed, I would be up half the night because my heart would feel like it's racing (although when I felt my pulse it wouldn't be pounding as hard as my body felt), I would also feel like every nerve in my body is vibrating. At the time when it first started, I figured it was because of smoking. I tried to quit to see how it felt - it seemed to help a bit, but I still got the occasional racing just as I'm about to go to sleep.

For the past few years I haven't been interested in sex at all - I'm guessing it has to do with my birth control. But my fiancee likes it every night... whether I'm interested or not. If I don't - I'll have to put up with his whining and deal with fighting all the next day. We've fought about it before, and he woudl apologies for taking me for granted - but then it would start again that night.

Sex does NOTHING for me - [COLOR=Red]{REMOVED}[/COLOR]Once he started finding this out, all hell broke lose because he couldn't pleasure me, and would make ME feel bad about it.

My nightime racing got more problematic, but I didn't want to bring it up to him - in the case he would think I was making it up (I have acid reflux... and he would give me the worst time when I first started mentioning it, because he figured I was trying to get attention - I had gotten a trial week with Nexium, and it worked like a charm, but it took almost 3 months to convince him that i really did need it to help me with my 24/7 heartburn).

Once we moved, my nighttime problems got worse (I figured it would be better). We seem happier now, but we still have the occasional fight, he doesn't treat our son any better, and lately he has been teasing my daughter (she pulls out her eyelashes which makes her look like a poor little cancer patient) horribly about her looks.

I work full time at a local college, in a high traffic, high stress area.

Here is a bit of my history as a child: I was abused by my stepfather as I grew up (Sexual molestation/rape from the time I was 6 until 14, I confronted my father at 14 and told him to stop or I woudl call the police... but he would still grab my rear or breasts - I broke down at 17 in school during a test and told my principal what happened... police got involved, I was called a liar... I barely had any friends, and only one good one that my dad didn't approve of. I was forced on to prozac and forced to see a counselor that my parents saw... which was unfair, but my stepdad refused to pay for me to see any other one). I dropped out of school, moved out and moved in with a boyfriend and got pregnant.

The boyfriends mother had adored me until I got pregnant - then she tried pushing me down the stairs to make me miscarry. When I didnt, she said she would make every attempt to make sure I never see my baby - OR have it taken away If I ever get to the point of giving birth. I left the boyfriend and got a court restraining order.

When I had my daughter, she had a severe umbelical hernia that had to be fixed on the day she was born (doctors said this was due to severe stress during my pregnancy). He also said after she had her surgery, she would have problems getting settled on certain foods, and to try her on new things. She was very colicy, and I used to bring her to the doctors for the tiniest things (drove the doctor crazy). I tried so many different formulas until I finally found one that she was good with. Her father would try to take her overnight, but would phone me at 1am to pick her up (I wasn't working at the time, and would have to spend the very little money I had for cabs).

I tried getting jobs, but couldn't afford the daycare fees. Eventually I got a visit from child welfare, someone had reported that I was not feeding my daughter, and that I was giving her Sambuca (I didn't even know what the heck that was when I was 18!!!) in her bottle at nighttime. The gripe water I had put into her bottle was liqorice flavored (the other option was dill... and my daughter would always spit it out). Without checking with any doctors or the surgeon at the hospital she was at, they took her away and put her into a foster home. I was given the okay to visit her and have "parenting" lessons with the foster mom, until I was deemed fit to take her back (I didn't do drug, and never had a drop of alcohol a day in my life then). I would try to visit, and they would either not answer the door, or they would tell me that they couldn't have visitors.

Long story short, I found a place to live room and board, 4 months after - the woman who I lived with used to work for child and family services, and noticed that something was seriously wrong. She called, and talked with her old supervisor and I had my daughter back the next week (apparently the foster home was trying to adopt my daughter, but couldn't unless I completely neglected to visit or contact).

I was in and out of a couple of relationships - one long distance, but nothing worked out, until I met my current fiance. I was in love within 2 weeks of meeting him, and we already agreed to marry.

I know I haven't had it easy, but I know many many more people have had more problems. I started smoking when I was 12, and had tried to quit a few times. The last time I quit for almost a year and a half, but my fiancee would get my drunk so I could smoke (he always thought it was sexy). But while I smoked, if we got into a fight, he would start telling me that I stink and he wants me to quit "for me, please....". I would break the smokes and throw them away thinking, "fine I want to quit anyway" but then he would freak and go out and buy me more cigarettes.

I don't speak with my parents (my mother took my father's side of the story, but I'm sure she knows in the back of her head that something was wrong... my entire family refuses to listen to me), but I am VERY close to my fiancee's parents, they have taken me under their wing, if I ever was to break up with my fiancee, I would miss his family terribly.

My neighbor says I have bad anxiety issues and panick attacks (at work, I'll get very anxious and jumpy, as if someone close to me was gravely injured, I would phone daycares and schools to make sure the kids are okay etc.). I'm going to visit a doctor today.


NOTE: I have been trying to convince fiancee to allow me to see a counselor, and he refuses. I can't go during the daytime at work, because I am always in high demand, and am needed all day. The only reason why I'm going to a doctor today is because the centre is closed for the day. If I went, he would freak out and wouldn't let me live it down.

I was noticing, someone had posted about feeling faint and weak in crowded places, I used to have this problem (and sometimes still do) at supermarkets and such... like I'm goign to faint, hot and cold, can't breathe and feel week. I told fiancee one time and he told me it's all in my head.


I know if I get some kind of prescription today, he'll freak. Although we are covered with benefits, he doesn't like the idea of anyone taking pills to live. I had a dream the other night that i had cancer, and had to take medications, and he said to me in that dream [COLOR=Red]{REMOVED}[/COLOR] if you are ment to live then you'll live, if you are ment to die, then so be it"
He was upset at me enough for deciding to visit the doctor today (he usually drives me across the city to drop kids off at daycare and then I take bus to work). He was mad because I wouldn't keep my kids with me today, meaning he had to drive them alone.

I'm reading back and people are saying how they always fear that they are dying. I always get that, I could have a headache, and I think I might be getting a tumor, aneurism, stroke (I keep getting scared about this stuff, which is crazy!)... my chest aches and feels tight and I think I'm having a heart attack (I'm only 26)... my leg hurts and I think I have a huge blood clot.... We could be driving and all of a sudden I'm scared that we'll drive off the road and get killed... crud like that. I hate it! I've had THAT since I was 12





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