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Can anyone help??
May 30, 2006

I suffer really badly with ocd/anxiety and i think i could do with some help really. but this is my latest thing that is driving me crazy and taking over my entire life (along with a zillion other things)
Basically I suffer really badly with responsibility ocd and it seems to come and go really depending on how bad my anxiety is at the time and what other issues im obsessing and stressing over.
But at the moment i am terrified that i am going to cause somebody to die by causing them to have a heart attack or stroke by shocking or startling them.

My anxiety levels have soared over the weekend and i have been feeling really really stressed and obsessing over this, which in turns tends to trigger off other stresses and anxietites (its like a vicious cycle) but anyway i was in work yesterday (big store) and it was the bank holiday (in the uk) so as the day went on it got busier and busier, and so as my anxiety levels were up and i was surrounded by people i was feeling more and more stressed and panicky. I got back over to my area of the store and put some stuff down on the counter and started to put it out on the shelves etc.
Anyway I was trying to put some bags out that go quite high up so i was thinking of how best to put them up there as i didnt want to jump otherwise that would make my headache come back but the stool was under a table onthe other side of the counter and i was aware of someone walking up behind me which was making me feel blocked in and panicky and so i start thinking is this person going to come up really close to me, are they going to say excuse me or just start speaking to me with my back turned (which i hate cos i think its rude) so im thinking im not going to turn around until they say excuse me, then im thinking are they actually even comeing to speak to me or are they just trying to get past, well if they do speak to me then i will turn around startled to show my discomfort at being crept up behind and spoken to without saying excuse me etc etc etc (i have NO idea WHY i was thinking these things or WHY there were so many thoughts going through my head so quickly)
So the next thing i know i jumped as if startled and spun round quite quickly and saw a quite old guy (maybe about 70-ish) standing there looking at me and he kind of jumped a little then too, but it seemed a bit of a delayed reaction from me jumping and turning around quickly to stand there and face him then he jumped a little, then he laughed a bit and i couldnt work out if he had naturally jumped from my reaction or if he was just imitating me. anyways so as soon as i turned around i was hit with a flood of panic thinking i cant believe i just did that WHY did i do that and if i made that guy jump he could have a heart attack now or a stroke because of me making me jump, then im thinking did i jump on purpose to prove a point or did i work myself up into such a state that i jumped anyway, then im completely in a delerious state almost thinking whats happeneing to me WHY did i do that im going totally crazy and i have let all this stupid anxiety take over my life, this guy could die now or end up seriously ill becuase of me being so stupid and crazy. i always try my best to avoid anything that could make people jump or startled so im thinking why on earth did that just happen. all of these thoughts were racing through my mind over and over as i was talking to him.
after i spun around and 'jumped' a little too and laughed a little he then immediately went into asking me if we had what he wanted so i took him around to where we had things and showed him a few things and i was asking him what it was for and he said he had some plans to do and they had to be sent off by today so he needed them asap, and he was asking me if they were any other shops and where abouts they were so i told him and he said he would drive round there then but thanks for my help anyway, i offered to show him a few more things and offered to give him our phone number and he said nah doesnt matter and then asked if he should put some items back and i said nah its okay i will do it then he went, the entire thing went on like helping any other customer but the entire time i was panicking and stressing and feeling like i was in a dream state almost, almost light headed and my heart felt like it was getting worked up, i was just in a state of complete confusion as to how and why i acted with such a startled response and whether it was concious or sub-concious or both.
Anyway so since yesterday i have been thoroughly depresses and stressed about this going over and over and over the situation in my mind and trying to work out why i starteled the way i did, why it happened when it did, what it must of looked like to him, where he was standing at the time, trying to work out if his jump was a nautral response to me reacting so quickly of if he did it in a kind of mocking me way and thats why he did it and laughed, maybe there seemed to be a delayed reaction because older people react more slowly etc etc etc evety single way i could of analysed the situation i have analysed it,
and i have spent hours searching and searching for information about stroke and heart attack triggers and what causes them and im stressing cos it says that sudden loud noises that cuase abrupt body movements can trigger a stroke in the following hours and also that adrenaline can cause the blood to clot which can cause a stroke!
basically im going round and round and round in circles with a cycle of complete panic and worry and that horrible feeling of 'not knowing' and not being able to find out and just beating myself up over and telling myself that i am a really bad person and thinking why didnt i do this, why didnt i do that differently... if i had done this or that then this wouldnt of happened or this would of happeneded differently...
then im thinking maybe its happened because i spent so long stressing over irrational fears of this happening that something REALLY worrying has happened now and if i hadnt been feeling so anxious and panicky the day then i wouldnt of been thinking the way i was and i wouldnt of acted the way i did i would of just been more calm and normal to approach instead of some hyper jumpy person that cant even remember fully the events of something as simple as a customer approaching a member of staff and i feel like i have responsibilities as part of my job which dont have room for staff stupidity and anxiety... it goes on and on and on
i cant stand it! this weekend i should be happier than ever before but instead the whole weekend has just gone downhill and now this has happened that has just taken over my entire life and mind and i cant stop feeling guilty and agonising and i cant see a way to make it stop without reassurance that nothing happened to the guy!
I am worrying so much lately that sometimes i go to bed and worry about if im going to wake up or not as sometimes i feel like i am poutting too much poressure on my heart, brain and body in general with all this non stop stress, i have been getting headaches loads and occassionally get heart flutters/palpitations but right now im convincing myself that maybe i deserve it for being so stupid and if i hurt someone else then why should i have the right to worry about my own health
everything else in my life was going so well until this weekend and now i dont know what to do

im sorry this is so long but if anyone can help i would appreciate it so much


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