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I have had an obsession with panicking that im going to cause someone to have a heart attack or stroke for a while now, so this started with that thought in the back of my mind and always being aware of it, then yesterday when in work because it was so busy my anxiety levels rose (i have varying levels of agorophobia) i dont like crowded places or places that are too busy for my comfort level and i dont like people that i dont know withing my personal space or coming up to me and talking to me right in my face or right up close to me. It can make me feel threatened and uncomfrotable with other people surrounding me and i just dont want anyone near me so i can relax alittle and calm my nerves down.

so when i was aware that someone was coming behind me i started feeling a bit uncomfortable and i remember thinking something like 'why are you coming so close, you are going to come right up to me and start talking at me wthout saying excuse me or anything and i hate that'. cos soo many customers do that they just come up right next to me and start talking at me or leaning into my face which not only is really rude but maes me REALLY uncomfortable. So i will normally make a point of stepping away from them really quickly or turning around like startled as if to say please dont creep up behind me or invade my personal space. But im sure i remember thinking is he coming up to me? he might not even be coming up to me he might be just walking past of going to look at something?
and then i think i remember feeling someone behind me and then i jumped like kind of jerked my body a little like when you wake up when you are falling asleep kind of and turned to face him, and THEN he jumped a little and laghed so i cant figure out if EITHER jump was real, i kept thinking did i jump to be spiteful? i didnt mean to be i certainly didnt mean to make anyone else jump, if i did jump purposely then it was just to prove a point to say please dont come up close behind me, please let me know that you are there and want me to help you, the only other thing is that maybe i had got myself so worked up in my racing thoughs process that i was waiting and wondering if he was going to come close so that when he did i had been expecting to be surprised so i was. i really dont know but i keep analysing every detail.
so when i saw him jump the panic then set in and i was wondering if he just did that jump to kind of 'mock' me for jumping and thats why he laughed or whether he nautrally jumped and then laughed as a reflex but i was overcome with total panic ad anxiety symptoms then, even though i went to help him with what he wanted i was panicking insde and all worked up and flustered thinking WHY did i just do that what just happened and struck with a feeling that i was totally losing it and going crazy and that i had let all of this worry and anxiety get on top of everything to the point that its just making things worse and whereas with all the other things i ahev been stressing about i knew that i would get over them as the day went on but this is one thats firmly fixed its roots in and i feel like i cant stop beating myself up over it until i KNOW that the guy is okay and that i cant of done any harm to him by surprising him, if i did, but i cant find that out i can only find articles saying that people reacting to loud noises and abrupt changed in body movement and rushes of adrenaline can trigger off a stroke within the following hours, i keep trying to find out if that is for being startled badly or if it applies to small jumps too.
I dont understand why but it seems like when i am most happiest in my life and when things are going really well then that is the time i will get a big ocd/anxiety attack that i stress over for ages!

i feel totally helpless and unworthy and undesevring of anything good at the moment and i feel really angry at myself for ruing things by my own stupidity and carelessness of doing one small spur of the moment response that i didnt think about what i was doing and the way i was behaving and letting anxiety and stress get to me.

im sorry this is really long and rambling again but my thoughts arent making too much sense to me at the moment :(





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