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Re: Awful..
Dec 5, 2006
I wrote this awhile ago~ My disease called anxiety!
I think you will find this very comforting.. Your not alone with these feelings at all.. :)
Hello to everyone who decided this topic would have been of interest to you.
I decided to sit down and write about my disease, anxiety with panic disorder. So many of us here question whether or not we are alone in what we are feeling. So many of us question whether or not these are indeed symptoms of anxiety. We tell ourselves yeah I have been alittle stressed out lately but not enough to cause all these horrible physical symptoms I am experiencing. Or is it enough? My only interest in writing this is in hopes to find others out there who maybe suffers as well and perhaps "think they are alone" and maybe come to realize they are not and find some comfort in knowing this. Or perhaps you are reading this saying to yourself, boy I know how that person feels I have been down that road more than once and offer some support or advice to others on things that may or may not have helped you. I must note that everything I write today is real life experiences that I myself have had. Nothing is taken out of a text book or off of any website or documentary. They are real feelings, real symptoms, and real daily struggles. Also I must add if you are looking for a short read, this post is also not for you, as I mentioned this is years of struggles and years could not be summed up in two sentences. My true goal in writing this is to possibly help others including myself, or perhaps find or give comfort in others as well.
So everyone knows that feeling you are on an airplane and dropping altitude, you feel a falling sensation from within, it almost causes you to reach for those nice bags they offer you cause your stomach begins to feel queasy, or your in an elevator and you are going up or down, and again you are struck with that dropping, falling sensation. Only thing is you know you are not on an airplane or in an elevator you are sitting at your desk at work, or reading the paper at home, or perhaps just cooking dinner in your kitchen going about your day. So what just happened? Your mind starts going on overdrive, Did I just have a stroke? I am having a heart attack that must be it? You begin to Have hot and cold flashes, you feel pins and needles all over, your heart rate starts to speed up, your chest is hurting cause your heart is pounding so hard, you feel like you can't catch your breath, a smothering sensation, like a pillow being placed over your face, you feel the urge to crawl out of your body and run, but where? Where is your safe place? Your head feel so heavy like you just had a mask of funny gas placed over your face Your legs can't possibly hold you up anymore they are so weak and shaky, you know you are going to pass out at any moment, BUT you don't so now what?
Your in the grocery store, already you are having a hard time focusing and walking down the aisle without falling over, so you fingers are gripped to the cart for balance purposes. You approached the check out and suddenly you feel hot and cold all over, your starting to feel like you might pass out or perhaps go crazy. everyone's voices become much louder but for some strange reason you can't understand what they are saying, the fluorescent lights seemed intensely bright, you knees start to feel that shakiness you know all so well. You suddenly have the urge to leave and run to that safe place again, the sheer terror is beyond anything you could control. You shove your cart to the side inspite the need for food, and run as fast as you can out of the store. You wonder to yourself, again what just happened? Your still feeling the effects of panic. Your trembling fumbling for your keys, your still trying to catch your breath, driving away for the store approaching your home you begin to feel your heart rate slowing down. Why is this happening? I feel like I am losing my mind. Realistically I know that there was no reason for fear, but why does my body and mind seem to think there is? Suddenly, for no immediate reason, my body was overwhelmed by a surge of elemental panic. Everything seems to race out of control, I could feel my vision go off, everything faded out and became detached, and my heart felt like it wanted to jump out of my chest. Is this just panic and anxiety or is there really something physically wrong with me? There has to be something wrong, I know there is.. These are all the thoughts that follow hours, and days, and weeks after.. Which trigger the feelings all over again. Like a spinning wheel just keeps going around and around. But how do you over come this? I know next time I will breath better, I will tell myself over and over again that there is nothing to fear, I will handle it better next time....
Next time Your driving along singing to your favorite song, suddenly you are stopped at a red light, A red light that seems like an eternity to change to green, suddenly this overwhelming fear comes over you, your breathing starts to become fast and shallow, the song you were just singing along to begins to sound distorted, your beginning to feel detached, your trembling so hard you can hear your teeth chattering, your chest is hurting, your heart is pounding, you start to feel your vision blur, Your lightheaded and just know at any moment you are going to pass out.
I have to get out, those are the thoughts running through your head, You begin to feel like everything around you is closing in. You are sure this time that you are dying. The light turns green, you proceed with traffic, suddenly you are struck with a intense headache, pressure feeling to be exact.
Your still feeling the effects of what your body just went through, You keep asking yourself what just happened, If I only could make it home I will be okay. You pull up to your house and you feel a sense of being safe. You spend hours, feeling the effects of fear, terror and adrenaline that just raced through your body. You ask your self why? You would think by now your body was so use to the surges, But in fact each and everytime the feelings and symptoms are just as strong as if you were experiencing them for the first time... Again you promise your self next time I will handle it better.
You begin to research... And research and yup you guessed it you have every single symptom or every single disease out there. You begin to obsess and believe you are plagued with everyone of these illnesses, and this in turn causes you to obsess about it day in and day out. You wake up feeling sick and go to bed feeling sick. You experience every symptom form a chronic rapid heart rate, to chills and hot flashes, upset stomach, headaches, dizziness, disattachment from yourself, even disappointment in yourself.
You stop doing all the things you once loved and enjoyed. Everything you do has become a major challenge to this beast. You start to feel as if your life is not in your control anymore. You can't control these feelings, you have tried over and over again.. You simply feel like you are going to die at the hands of this beast. BUT you don't.. You continue to live in a vicious cycle of fear, and terror along with an array of symptoms that are horrific.
There are so many treatments out there for suffers just like myself. There are medications, therapies, and most of all support groups such as this one that can help others to feel comfort in knowing that they are not by any means alone. I feel that this is the most effective for me, speaking to others who know what it feels like first hand, who understands your daily struggle, offers you support and comfort when perhaps you can't find that in the one's you spend most of your days with. My sole purpose today is to offer that support, share my terror of anxiety disorder with you all and hope that somebody out there reads this and finds some kind of comfort... Believe me feeling alone in this makes everything more of a challenge.
I must mention that there are illnesses that mimic anxiety as well as trigger anxiety, so proper diagnosis is important, Once you are diagnosed and know you suffer from some sort of anxiety disorder, The Rest OF the Battle is excepting the fact that this really is anxiety!!!
I hope reading this has help many of you. I know writing it has helped me some.. Still I continue to battle my daily struggle with anxiety disease and panic disorder.
My thoughts and prayers go out to all you suffers such as myself.
Everyone feel free to comment on this post, perhaps your experiences could help others as well... As always my best to all... Boxerlover:angel:
I HOPE you found this helpful:wave:
Re: Awful..
Dec 6, 2006
Hi Everyone~:wave:

I am happy to see I was able to offer support as well as gain support, from many of you. I wanted to also share the rest of that post with all of you incase some of this may apply as well~ It's as follows:

Not to my surprise so many of you mention the effect your condition has on the family as well as not getting support from a spouse, parent or friends.
So many of us suffer feeling alone, outcaste, and in fear.
"If only my husband would understand exactly what I am feeling" Is a thought that replays like a broken record in my head....
"Just get yourself together, stop thinking so much about it, there's nothing wrong with you" is not what an anxiety suffer like myself needs or wants to hear. Let's face it we would all do just that if only it were that simple.
This kind of "support" is only causing resentment and more anxiety, it actually is hindering the process to recovery. But it's not their fault.. As well as it's not our fault as the sufferer.
We all know that there is great suffering on the family as well as the suffer, They don't understand why your tired all the time, they don't understand how you aren't able to just take control over your fears, Let's face it someone who never experienced the symptoms of some sort of anxiety disorder, can't possibly understand the effects and toll it takes on your daily life.
I think it is only human nature for other to offer sympathy instead of empathy.
I think it is only human nature for your friends to give up on asking you to make plans with them, when time and time again you always decline the invitation, or your spouse is sick of the excuses you make as to why you just don't feel well, or you get that look "here we go again" from them..
What I found to be alittle helpful that I would like to share with you is I tried to educated my husband as much as I possibly could on my condition. I purchased books and read them with him, I had him sit in on therapy sessions to help him better understand my fears, cause let's face it all anxiety stems from some sort of fear, whether it be death, illness, or just plain fear of loosing your mind. Whatever it may be helping them understand is just as important as us as suffers need help in understanding. Don't get me wrong by no means do I feel my family, friends, etc.. totally empathize with what I feel, but when I am in panic mode, there is a better understanding to the "symptoms" I am feeling, which in turn provides comfort to me... No matter what try not to shut the door so to say, to those that are closest to you, Marriages, relationships, and even the best of friendships are put to the test when things are bad. What I do instead is try and find ways to help them better understand. Treat your disorder as if it were the illness it is, If you were a diabetic for example, what would your family do? They would learn and educate themselves as much as they could about your illness, so they can better understand your needs. So what makes this illness any different.
Don't minimize what you suffer from, acceptance is a great starting point to recovery. This is now what I
am starting to do.. accept my fear, accept my symptoms, believe me it's not easy, especially when you are in panic mode. I must also mention Most of all I find comfort in all of you. Finding support from others just like yourself is a gift alone!
I am by no means in my life over this anxiety disease, I still struggle daily with all the symptoms most of you do, but I find offering my support, advice, thoughts, and questions with all of you is just another way of helping me towards my steps to recovery! Thank you all for being so supportive,cheering us up when things seem so blue, making us feel like we are not alone, and most of all for sharing in your stories!
My best as always.. boxerlover :angel:

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Re: Awful..
Dec 6, 2006
Hi guys,,,

BoxerLover..thanks for sharing your struggles with us, keep those long posts coming I greatly enjoyed them.


I go to my psychologist every week, actually I went today and it's great hearing things from them because if you connect with them even though they don't have anxiety or panic attacks they know what they're doing and it's comforting when they catch things others don't. It's not that you don't trust your fiance..geez if you didn't he wouldn't be your fiance, it's just that it's different and I totally understand. Don't feel guilty about that, it's someone you can relate to. I sometimes get anxious over telling my boyfriend I'm anxious over talking to him because I simply don't feel like it because in my mind I feel that I should always want to talk to him and that's not true...I know it's not but I don't realize it, instead I get anxious and freak out and wonder why I feel like that about him. It's not that I don't love him, that I don't care for him, it's just that when I'm feeling anxious and having an episode my thoughts get all weird and I can't eat.

I'm now 91 pounds and have been seeing a nutritionist. I'm just like you, I'm starving but when food arrives I get anxious and sick to my stomach, for some reason the anxiety hits us in our stomach. There are those who eat when they are anxious, there are those who don't. Myself, I battle to get the pounds on and keep them there.

Getting anxious over blood work is totally normal, think about it, regular non anxious people get nervous/anxious so's totally normal although it doesn't feel like it. As for going to see a Dr. go for it, it's the best thing you can do, even when you're having a bad day and wonder if it was worth is. I hope I've helped. Keep in touch.

Re: Awful..
Dec 7, 2006
Hello all:)
I too have had the pleasure of anxiety/panic attacks, and agoraphobia, starting way back in 1999. I have yet to fully combat this major annoyance that has taken over my life, and I don't want to say that it is [I]nice[/I] to hear that there are so many of us here, but it is. When all this began to take over my life it was amazing how many times I heard the phrase "get over it", or "it's just in your head", or my favorite......when I had to leave work on FMLA/ then short term disability....."it must be great to just sit around on your --- every day, sleep in & still get paid":blob_fire What sleeping in?? I [I][U][B]couldn't[/B][/U][/I] sleep for more than an hr at a time usually. I was literally falling apart, I had 2 small kids, one is autistic, and it was all I could do to get them ready in the morning for school, forget about any school programs,conferences,or after school activities- no matter what I tried I couldn't get into a "social setting" without that overwhelming feeling of panic and nausea... Now that it is nearly 7 1/2 YEARS later, it is [B][U]so[/U][/B] interesting how many of those same people that gave me the above mentioned words of wisdom have, over the years, came calling to me with claims of how anxiety had taken over their lives....Because I will not disrespect them the way they did me, I listened,discussed meds, etc.. and never once, as much as I wanted to, said anything to the effect of [B]now that you know how it feels, how's that sitting around and sleeping in every day going for ya??[/B]:jester:
I can say also that I too [I]had[/I] a serious issue with eating.... I'm just under 5ft and when all this started I was holding steady at apx 115 lbs. I HATE to get sick so when the medication guinnee pig phase started I pretty much stopped eating, not on purpose, I just felt so sick that eventually I wasn't eating at all & started getting comments from neighbors,( in addition to the "orders" from the doc to gain weight) about my weight. I finally weighed myself and was at 93... then it was 82, and at the worst 74... my kids weighed more than me and they were 7 and 8:eek: I'm not quite sure what happened but about 3 1/2 yrs ago I started to gain weight like crazy. Somehow, I just started eating again,but only in the evening-by myself,so if I felt sick at least I was alone and would hate the nausea,but at least nobody else was around and that made it easier to deal with. Now I am diabetic AND FAT:blob_fire. I also have only [B]ONE[/B] friend who has stayed and put up with my always calling to cancel plans, or just not showing up at all and turning the ringer off on my phone. Including the "friends" who also have anxiety issues, they're all gone..... My family is supportive and understanding, thank God or I don't know what I would do. My ex is a totally different story though, he thinks only "weak people" get sick and that anxiety is just a made up term for butterflies in your stomach from doc's ans Rx companies to make $:dizzy: I wish I could be "normal",go to work every day again,live in a house again- instead of a small apartment [I][U](with 2 teenagers!!)[/U][/I],drive a nice car again, and be able to just go to the freaking grocery store without having to work up my courage first, just hop in the car and go without even thinking about it....... Not to mention that as a single parent, living on only child support and my sons disability check is a far cry from where we were before I had to stop working.

Good luck to all !! and have a great day- sorry for the long post:jester:

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