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-Warning. This is complicated and long. Don't feel like you have to read.-

This might be VERY long, but it's taken quite a while for me to be able to express myself. A little history. I'm young. Have 2 kids, and a wife. I'm working in construction through a small company I own. Decided that construction in wasn't for me. So I decided to go back to school. I'm almost done with school [COLOR="Red"]{REMOVED}[/COLOR]

A bit more of history. Come from a very broken family. I'm a perfectionist. I have some OCD. A christian. And try to live very morally upright.

I was already stressed out, majorly. Working, School, Family, remodeling our house, kids, medical problems. The whole works. It was difficult, but I was getting through.

More history. Part of my perfection and OCD problem is when I was dating I wouldn't date someone that wasn't a virgin, because I was waiting until I was married, and I expected the same appreciation.

My wife and I have only been with each other.

After non-stop going. Things started changing. My wife started dressing better for no reason. Stopped talking about what she was doing during the day. I would catch her in lies. Very little lies, but very constant lies.

After coming home. Coming down my street I could tell something wasn't going to be right.

When I got home. I usually knock, and my wife lets me in. This time, I was very curious, so I snuck in really quitely. My wife wasn't trying to call someone on her phone. I completely caught her off guard as she didn't know I was in the house. LONG story short I found out she cheated on me.

I couldn't hardly breathe. It's funny in a way, [COLOR="red"]{REMOVED}[/COLOR] you know that panic attacks aren't going to kill you, and usually they reside fairly shortly. Yeah, well, helping someone through one, and having on are completely DIFFERENT. I have a new sympathy.

I went outside, crying on the ground. Fell to my knees. My world just crashed in. I felt like everything I worked for and was working for had suddenly just been earased. I layed on the concrete driveway, concentrating on breathing. To make matters work. I have asmtha. So I started getting an asmtha attack in the middle of all this. The "impending doom" factor starting sinking in. On several occasions I almost called an ambulance, but that was last resort.

After a few hours of this most depressing part of my life, I decided enough was enough. I drove myself to the ER (bad idea in the state of mind I was in) and told them I needed ativan or xanax immediately. I was crying, hysterical, demanding, and probably hostile. I couldn'thardly tell them what was going on, other than I needed a benzo. The doctor finally came in, and I barely got the words out. She gave me ativan. 0.25 mg PO. I was more pissed. 0.25 mg wasn't going to do [COLOR="red"]{REMOVED}[/COLOR]how upset I was. I don't go to the ER for nothing. I asked them to admit me into the hospital as I was going crazy and couldn't control my emotions, and didn't know how I was going to respond. They said unless your suicidal or homicidal we can't admit me. Made me more pissed. I was already upset. I was asking for help, and felt completely abondoned. She gave me a prescription for xanax, and sent me on my way. I left the ER, crying more. I felt so low. So hurt. Like nothing. That all the work, love, and energy was such a waste.

Went to walgreens. Got my 0.5 mg Xanax. 20 of them. Take 1 every 4 hours. Yeah. Well. It didn't do anything. I was still hysterical. Called my primary and his partner returned my call promtly. Told me to take 4 xanx 2.0mg and wait 20 minutes. And take up to 4 mg. He said after that, call an ambulance. I could hardly talk to him.

Later that day..................Called up my therapist I was seeing about insomnia. She knew my history, and the stress, and everything, and new this was something I just couldn't handle. She called the ins company, the hospital and an ambulance. They admitted me in the "phscy" ward.

Basically they sedated the crap out of me. Which is probably what I needed. I felt like a little kid being in the hospital. Went from being the man in charge, to being told when I could eat, shower, etc. I'm not going into more and more detail, bc nobody will read this if I continue on forever.

Here's the thing.
These are the meds I have:
I don't take all of these daily. But I have Albuterol for asmtha. Ambien for times when I really can't sleep.

New meds:
Prozac 30mg per day
Tradadone 100mg at night
Xanax 0.5mg Three times a day
Lamictal 100mg in the morning 100mg at night

Ok. So now I go from a person who doesn't like to take tylenlol for a headache to completley drugged.

I've been on this stuff for a few months now. The first time I'm able to really think and talk about it. I got sick last night, and ended up not taking my lamictal. Today I feel so much more alive. I can think! I'm a person! Usually I'm so just blah............and I used to be entrepuner type. Completely different midset.

I'm not looking for sympathy. Mostly needed to express my emotions.
I am looking for someone, if there is who takes a simialry regimen of drugs, and how it works for them. I think the prozac and xanax is good. But that lamictal just makes me so numb, which I know it's what's it's supposed to do. Its hard to enjoy life. I have to babies, and they mean the world to me, and I would like to be able to enjoy them more then I've been able to. Being numb is good when your really angry. So you dron't do anything you might regret. Although it's good in that aspect, it's destroying me in others. So far it's a lose lose situation. I know the pharmacolgoy, interactions, side effects and all that medical stuff. But I want real life, real people information not what receptors and enzymes bind to what.

Don't feel sorry for me, as today is probably one of the best days I've felt in a very long time. If you could give me information on how you feel with the drugs it would be GREATLY apprecaited.

I strive for perfection. Therapist says to try to settle for a B instead of a 100%, so I'm not going to edit this, and try to get a "B" so sorry for grammer errors. Typing this isn't the easiest thing to do.

If you read all this. Thank You. If you didn't. I understand. It's long. I pray for everyone out there with struggles in their life. I'm usually the one helping others. This time, I really need the help.

Thank you.
J





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