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Anxiety Message Board

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I grew up in a family of 4. I'm 38 & i've lost my father, younger brother & all but one of my grandparents, and my 17 year old cat. So basically my whole family is just my mom & me because my grandma is 95 & in a nursing home. My mom was an only child & my dad's brother has also past, so i have no aunts, uncles or cousins. I was also adopted & got to meet my biological mother 13 years ago. We only would see each other rarely, but a year ago she also died from cancer & then her husband dropped dead 2 months later.

I have had chronic back pain for 10 years & have stopped going to the doctors years ago because they just tell me they don't see anything wrong. One suggested depression was causing back pain but I'm sure it's the other way around...back pain is causing depression. Now I'm also having a new pain thats in my ribs on the left rear side. it hurts when i inhale deeply & feels kinda like sore muscles or bruising & hurts to stretch that area. I have no idea what that's from but it's been there for a month now with no improvement. It's making me scared i have cancer or something.

Although I think I've always thought about death more than the average person, lately it's getting to be problematic for me because I'm constantly having flashes of how i could die. While I'm driving I'm envisioning getting killed in an accident. If there's a thunderstorm, I envision lightning coming through my roof. If I hear an airplane, I envision it crashing into my house. Even when I'm shopping, i imagine a bomb or someone just going postal. On and on. Plus it's the worst as I'm trying to fall asleep. I'm lay in fear I will die in my sleep & envision how death is simply non-existance & scared as hell because I'm not ready to die yet. sometimes when i start dozing off i'll jump awake because falling asleep makes me feel like i'm dying.Not only am I afraid of myself dying, I'm also scared for the day my mother dies & leaves me alone, since I'm not married. I have thoughts of her dying also. She has been falling alot & if i happen to call her & she doesn't answer the phone, i'm instantly thinking she's fallen down the stairs or been in a car crash or something awful.

It's driving me nuts I wish I didn't have these thoughts tormenting me like this. I'm starting to get less sleep now too...last night i didn't get to sleep till almost 5am & woke up at 8:30am. Usually when i wake up, i think, whew, thank god i'm not dead.

I've never seen any dr. about any of this so hopefully they'll know what can be done. i hate doctors.

How do I get over these constant horrible thoughts? Has anybody else experienced this?

about 10 years ago I took Zoloft for a couple years but don't really think it helped anything. I don't want to take any drugs again. My (adopted) brother was previously addicted to xanax & klonopin & I've never taken either of those & whenever I spoke to him during that time his speech was slurred & he was out of it, so I'm afraid of taking anything like that. He subsequently died from a heroin overdose. I especially wouldn't want to take any drug that's addictive.

I'm not even sure it is anxiety but after reading here a little, it sounds like it...i thought it was just depression.

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