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Wow, I don't even know where to start so I guess I'll just launch into this.

I am suffering from SEVERE anxiety, panic attacks, and depression. I've been prone to panic attacks for a while now but nothing like I'm having now. These are unbelieveable. Whereas before they used to last for minutes, now they are lasting for HOURS, some three hours or more at a time. I don't think my heart can stand this, literally, it feels like it's going to leap out of my chest it's pounding so hard. My blood pressure goes way up and my head throbs now with them. I know it's said that anxiety and panic attacks cannot kill a person but I believe they can.

This all seemed to get so bad last May '07 when my mom fell and broke her hip and her arm. She spent the summer in and out of hospitals, nursing homes, and finally had to be moved into a facility for women suffering from memory loss and dementia. They told me that when they did surgery on her hip, the general anesthetic induced dementia in her. My mom was my best friend and we were together every day. Now, while she still knows me, she is failing rapidly and we can no longer be together as we were.

I don't want this to get too lengthy so I will just say that throughout the last year I have discovered that the small amount of family and friends I have are all "fair weather" people. I was feeling so bad last summer about everything that I asked, no, actually begged and pleaded with everyone I know, to let me come and stay with them for a bit to get away from it all. Without exception, everyone turned their back on me and flatly told me no. My husband tells me that it's because I'm such a miserable person that no one wants me.

Now, my husband...he is extremely abusive mentally, emotionally, and verbally. Physically a couple times but it's mainly the other types of abuse that he practices. He never talks to me anymore and when he does, it's merely to tell me how worthless I am, and to stay out of his face. He's a pilot and is gone for four or five days every week and I've become so terrified to be home by myself that I think I can't stand it anymore. I've told him that I think I will die if I'm left alone again and he says, "Die then." He's so cold, uncaring, no compassion, wants my mom AND me both dead and gone. I think HE'S the one who has some type of personality problem and I don't know how I will spend the rest of my life with him but I have NOWHERE to go. I've even tried to go to a crisis house for a couple days and I was so miserable there that I begged to come home.

Things are so bad that I have considered going into the hospital as inpatient status to try to be treated for my anxiety/panic/depression. I called my doctor last week and asked if he would have me admitted and he said no, he would not. He said I would have to go through the ER and I don't know if I have the strength to do that.

Right now it seems my biggest problem is my horrible fear of being alone. Anyone else have that and what do you do about it? When I'm alone now, I just sit here shaking and crying. I'm even too nervous to take a shower or make myself anything to eat and I have diabetes so that's not good.

The only thing I take for anxiety is some Valium. I've tried the tricyclic antidepressants and had such extremely bad reactions to them, the brain zaps, dizziness, etc., that I'm afraid to try any of the newer ones. They say they don't have as many side effects but at the same time they told me if I had side effects from the others, I probably will from these, too. I have some samples of Lexapro but haven't dared to take them yet, mainly because I am home alone so much.

So, here I am....totally alone, no family, no friends, a husband who says he hates me more each day and would be better off if I were dead. How do I get the strength to move on from here and improve my life? Or don't I???

Thank you in advance for any replies anyone would be kind enough to write.

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