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Hello all,
I have posted here a million times before. I was doing well for a while, well, more like "well enough" to not feel like I was loosing my mind!
Anyways, I'm pretty anxious and VERY exhausted right now, but I will try to make sense:
I am a women in my late twenties and have been diagnosed with OCD (mostly pure O) since I was 15. Don't get me wrong, the Ocd is unbearable at times, mostly just terrible frustrating, but sometimes debilitating as well.
HOWEVER, it was not until a few years ago that my anxiety levels became TOTALLY unmanagable.
They had been mounting for some time, I noticed as I got older, sometimes from the OCD, and sometimes just from random things. I started to have anxiety about swallowing food and breathing--I always felt like I might choke.\
But during this time I was in a loving long-term relationship, so as my anxiety progressed a bit, I had someone to lean on (quite literally) to calm me down. I mean really--sometimes, no, most of the time that is all it took--was for him to hold me tight, and I could relax, at least enough to not stay up all night crying and fretting like I do now.
Anyways, we eventually broke up, after 4 years, and it was an UGLY breakup. Though this was not my first love, it was my most intense love, and it was the first time I felt loved 100 percent for who I was, and I felt I could tell him anything, which was a great relief to me because he was the first person I ever opened up to about my OCD and such. (besides my family)
Immediatly following the break up (thoughwe both agreed it was for the best) I went into SEVERE emotional shock: I stopped eating OR sleeping, and anything I managed to eat I could not digest (sorry, eww!)
I lost 10 pounds in a week and ended up in the ER to get an IV! :(
After that I was able to eat, but it was still months and months before I could sleep or relax (in fact, I don;t know that I have actaully felt relaxed ever since)
I'll try to cut to the chase:
WHat I'm, saying is, that I showed symptoms of anxiety before this break-up, but it wasn;t until after the break-up that I had a total meltdown, and SINCE then my anxiety levels seem permenantly up, even though it has been 4 years since then!
I should also note that I had another trauma occor several months after the break-up, and although I did eventually date and fall in love with someone new, I lost it all over again when we broke up.
I mean, I FALL APART, I instantly feel like I am falling into an abyss, and I am riddled with panic sometimes 24 hours a day, in additon I feel hopeless, depressed, and so, so afraid that I will never recover and never feel like myself again--this feeling can last for months or more.
But it is the initial terror that lasts for weeks that is the scariest.
My point is, or my quesiton rather, is WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!? AND WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT IT?
I mean, I can be all mentally prepared to break up with someone, but once I actually do I feel like I have been pushed backwards off a cliff--like I'm free-falling into terror and uncertainty, my legs go to jelly, I don;t eat, and FORGET about sleeping.
It's unbearable because I can;t function and it keeps me from living my life, and now I live in fear of triggering another attack withing myself and becomign useless and terrified again. Sometimes it doesnlt take a whole lot to trigger this feeling.
I am mostly worked up because right now I am ending a realtionship (tommorrow, I am) with someone who I have only been seeing on and off for 6 months, someone who I'm not in love with, but really care about, but the relationship just isn;t right for me--I KNOW THAT!! I'm the one who wants to end it, but the last few nights I have had back to back panic and haven't been able to sleep just thinkign about it. WHY??! Yes, it's going to be hard, and I'll miss him, but why do I fall apart!!??
I am so sick of this, i'm ashamed of myself , and I am TERRIFIED of never being able to live my life as I'd want to because of this.
I am also REALLY afraid of falling to pieces again, cause I get so anxious that I cannot function at all.
Please help! I really want to get better, and I try to think positive, but I get PHYSICALLY anxious soooo easily, even if my mind feels fairly calm. Eventually the physical symptoms wear on me, and then I have full-blown panic.
I want my life back!!!!!!

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