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Okay this might be way too long and I apologize...I doubt I'll get any responses or <PEOPLE> reading it all, but if anything it's nice to get it all out anyway.


First of all, I'm 23 yo male, in TREMENDOUS shape. Workout regularly, and have always been in competitive sports. Blood tests have always come up normal. yet my biggest problem is probably my heart rate in situations (clearly due to anxiety I assume). This problem is NOT new. As far as I can remember (maybe since 10?), certain social situations have always been rough. Yet I was still always fairly popular growing up, and not really an outkast but was still "shy" around grownups and in groups. Anyway it's become a big problem over the last few years in particular as at this age it's all about being social and your personality etc.

Anyway, my main problem is my heart, which completely makes it easy imo to detect I have social anxiety. In any type of social situation where the "spotlight" is on me, my heart goes bananas, and I cannot think or speak (without trembling). It's like the sound of my heart is magnified 10 fold and it's soo distracting. Even speaking on the phone it happens when talking to people I haven't talked to in a while. It's starting to control my life. There's a big family christmas party in december I'm completely dreading and thinking up excuses. It's weird when I'm "chilling" with my cousins or friends I'm sometimes very talkative. But when I'm the SPOTLIGHT (like when arriving at a party, or speaking in a classroom, greeting family on phone or at door) it's unbearable and totally obvious.

Now I've thought that my current state of life, and depression could have a large reason. I'm currently in my 5.5 year of a 4 year Uni degree, and most of my friends are finished. I dont have a job, nevermind a good job. My social skills are pitiful (have LARGE problems articulating myself). I'm in serious debt from school (and gambling, whole other story). And i've been suffering hairloss for years now and am very self conscious about it as I look a lot different from when I was a teenager. So i have a huge can of worms I'm dealing with, but as far as I can remember, even in thebest days of my life, I had social anxiety. It's just at that age, "who cares...I'm young, not supposed to be intelligent, outgoing, etc etc etc right?".

Anyway my life is in shambles. My parents are very disappointed in how I've turned out, as I was an honor roll student throughout life with tons of promise and now I've turned into nothing. I always fear when running into family and old friends as if they're thinking "this is what you've turned out like?!?" And I try to avoid everything social of it. Yet I cant pinpoint how much role my depression with life expectations has to do with all this, as I think even if I had it all, I'd still have this heart going crazy speaking in front of <PEOPLE>. Anyway sorry for the length. I just know I need help and need to change, but there;s SOOO much on my plate it's tough.





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