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Me in a nutshell
Dec 2, 2008
Since childhood, I've had selective mutism. To this day, I'm still terrified to talk to strangers, especially on the phone or infront of a group. In college, a fire alarm went off in my apartment and I just sat there for 5-10 mins wishing it to go away cause I would have rather died in that fire than have to talk to my scary landlords. I'm often intimidated by people, and have no close friends. I'm used to this, though, so often I don't even think about it. I'm constantly afraid of being "found out." sometimes I think people are talking about me, or I fear that if I go in public I'll do something embaressing or someone will harm me and I'll be too scared to say anything or stand up for myself. My heart often beats fast, my chest hurts, I feel light-headed, or it hurts to breathe. I'm often very tired, I spend my free time lying around because it takes too much energy just to do the things I want to do sometimes. I have trouble falling asleep at night (it's the only time I can be alone and myself), but am usually tired and lethargic during the day. I'm a pessimist and self-degrading. At the same time, I'm angry at my family and others that they can't help me, that they may even be making me worse (because I worry about them too). I have student loans to pay and work part time retail because I'm too scared to apply for a better job, and with no health insurance I can no longer see a pyschiatrist, therapist, or go to yoga. I spend impulsively on clothes and books and things when I need to pay off my large credit card debt. I'm in a relationship that I'm convinced won't work out because I'm lazy, selfish, and demanding deep down. I freak out when anything doesn't go "perfect". I'm a middle child; my older sister is clean and organized but ditsy, absent-minded and has depression, anxiety, and OCD. She also can spend hours talking to herself. My younger sister was valedictorian, popular, and is to graduate Brown University this year. Then there's me...hard to describe. a wisher, a dreamer, but not a believer in anything. my question is: what's going to happen to me?

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