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New to the boards. New to all of this in general, but I figure seeking support online can't hurt.

I'm in my early 20s and my anxiety has begun to get worse. looking back on it now, I've had anxiety/mild depression/feelings of being insecure, etc for a long time now. I come from a family who also suffers from depression/anxiety/severe mental illness. Till now, I have always been able to cope with any anxious feelings or nerves on my own. A few times in the past, I have felt the beginning of a panick attack, but have always been able to breathe and "talk myself out of it". I'm also the type of person who tend to keeps things in, so the only person who really knows how much my anxiety has escalated in the past few days is my mom, and my ex, to a degree, who I saw a few days ago.

So, a few days ago I went to go meet up with my ex. A little history on that: have known him for a few years, we were together for a yr. Broke up because i'm convinced he's a liar, etc, point blank he is not the person i need to be with! still, he is my first serious realtionship, my comfort zone, and being a person who is already insecure, it has been hard dealing the break up.

Anyway, it has been a few weeks since ive seen him, and i was already somewhat tense. Sure enough, I begin to feel an axiety attack coming. My heart started to pound, felt out of touch myself and everyone, all I could think about is how nervous I was, how much I wanted to cry and how I just did not feel okay! This time, I had to excuse myself and walk outside because I knew it would not just go away in front of him. I went to sit outside and the tears just poured out. Some for him, and some because I just felt frustrated that I couldnt keep it together, and I couldnt let my tension melt away. A week before I felt the same feelings come, but again, i just took deep breaths, kept it to myself, told myself there was no reason to feel this way, etc (at the museum of tolerance of all places. been there before. nothing happened before. this time i couldnt deal the overwhelming sadness of it all. sorry, if i sound crazy. i dont know anymore!).

I know Im depressed about a lot of things. school, finances, the future, love, etc.I think it comes down to just feeling insecure about myself, letting myself and others down, not feeling like I can really or have achieved at anything, feeling worthless. its like theres not one main thing to pinpoint, in general i know what i should do about everything. but i just feel on the verge of hopelessness and lack of strength.i know all this cant be true, but believing it and knowing it are 2 different things. what bothers me the most is that I have such a hard time telling others. not even those closest around me probably know because ive always been able to play it off in my mind and hide it. most would prob describe me as sometimes shy, but in general outgoing, funny, just not someone who deals depression or anxiety! But i'm sad, i know it, it's making me very anxious, and I feel like years of repressing it has built up, and I might be ready to explode.

On top of it, I have been planning this big work trip for a while. i was supposed to fly out today, but to my relief, things didnt work out. I'll give you some insight in what I do as well. I'm in the fashion industry, and was about to fly out to new york for a few months. I have people counting on me to do well, and if I cancel this trip, I fear it will look very unprofessional on my part. My agency has no idea what has been going on with me either, and now I'm in the process of deciding whether to leave in a few days or a week. I'm trying to postpone in it for a week, but I'm afraid of what lie to come up with, whether its believable, whether theyll even care, etc. at the end of the day, this is a cut throat business, and im afraid if i dont make this trip now, i wont do it in the future. I just feel embarassed and dissapointed if I dont go, but im afraid I will be feeling the same way there that I do at home, or worse, that I do get a full blown anxiety attack while at work or just a completely inappropraite situation (and i will be in social settings constantly. right now, i need to push myself to be social at all, and i'd rather not be). At the same time, I do want to go, I think I could use the break from home, but im afraid (i dont usually get severe flying anxiety or being away from home or anything like that). I need to decide by tomorrow what im going to do, or if i should even go, and im nervous and confused.

Tomorrow I am going to go see a school counselor. Maybe letting all my "demons" i suppose, might help. but im afraid that what im feeling is beyond just talking. i guess im looking for a quick fix, and i dont know how quickly its going to happen this time.

ive tried taking valerian and 5-htp. I havent felt another anxiety attack coming, but Im still somewhat tense, and just overall sad and constantly edgy and tense. i dont think its done a whole lot (but i read it takes some time to kick in?).

i have drank excessively, especially in the past few months since my break up. been bulimic, tried cutting myself a loooong time ago (h.s teen angst, and i just realized it wasnt for me, thank god). happy people dont do these things right? i have also tried breathing, i exercise regularly, and it makes me feel better at the moment but not overall.

for some reason, opening up makes me feel like its all in my head. i know on paper i have a lot going for me. theres no real reason for me to feel this way, but i just do and i cant help it. i feel selfish, self loathing, self involved, self everything! im tired of it! i really hope seeking some help tomorrow will make a difference...

sorry for any typos. if you made it this far, thank you. like i said, other than my mother who also deals with anxiety and depression, this is about as honest as ive been to anyone about it.


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