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Hello there. This is a bit of an unusual situation, and while Iím not entirely sure this is a 100% anxiety related issue, I do feel that this is probably the best place to post (it seems like a mix of multiple issues, with anxiety being the most prominent). I apologize in advance for the length of my post, Iím going to keep it as brief as possible.

First, a little bit of background information. Iím a 20 year old university student [COLOR="Red"]{REMOVED}[/COLOR] about to complete his third year. I do not drink or party, and never have. Iíve always been against alcohol, drugs, and Ė oddly enough Ė sex. I have no clue where these beliefs come from, but they have begun to blow up into something I cannot control.

I have had some form of anxiety (mainly social) for as long as I can remember, but things have gotten extremely bad over the past couple of months. Before that, I became very good friends with a girl I had met in my first year of university. She isnít single, so I tried extremely hard to hold back developing any feelings for her, but eventually, I couldnít help it. I ended up falling in love with her, and, without going into too much detail; the friendship eventually blew up in my face, leaving me an emotional wreck.

I was never quite the same after the previously described debacle; I was extremely lonely and my anxiety seemed to be getting worse. Unable to cope with the severe panic and anxiety that has begun to consume my life, I went to my doctor in September and explained the situations I was in. He referred me to a psychiatrist, prescribed some medications, and all seemed to be well.

However, the therapy never worked. Not only did the first medication I was put on make me worse, it made me suicidal. I was quickly taken off that, and put on a second medication instead. This second medication was even worse than the first: seemingly every possible side effect associated with this drug was occurring, with absolutely no benefit to my anxiety.

In January, my best friendís girlfriend turned 19. Neither of them drank or partied in their lives, so in a lot of ways, they were very much like me, and the closest bond I had with anyone outside of my immediate family. When said girlfriend turned 19, however, we went downtown for her birthday. With my distaste for alcohol, I was extremely reluctant to go with them; however, I felt that exposure was something I needed to do in order to get past this, and I did not want to let anybody down. Hindsight is 20/20, but in retrospect, my decision to go with them was probably the biggest mistake of my life.

I completely and utterly snapped. I lasted a whopping 5 minutes downtown before I freaked out and left. I cannot put into words how disgusted, crushed, and heartbroken I was to be down there and know my best friends were about to engage in what I absolutely despised. It didnít matter to me that they didnít intend to get drunk (they only had a couple of drinks between them), just a sip alone would have set me off. Ever since that incident, my mental health has deteriorated extremely rapidly. I now spend most of my days obsessing over my hatreds and fears, and very frequently go into massive fits of rage at the mere mention of alcohol, drugs, or sex. This raging is uncontrollable, and any attempt I make to calm myself down or rationalize how ridiculous my hate is only makes me angrier. I am extremely frightened of what I might be capable of in these rage fits; I feel like I want to inflict harm (or worse) on anyone who does not conform to my anti-sex/alcohol/drug beliefs, including my family and friends. When these rage fits pass, I am left with pounding head pain, and an extremely sore neck. It is not a traditional headache; this feels much, much worse. In between episode of rage, I experience panic attacks and other symptoms of general anxiety. My life has become controlled by hate and fear, and the implications on my life have been dire. My friendships are in shambles, it is causing incredible strain on my family, and I am struggling severely in school.

My doctors and psychiatrist are absolutely baffled; this is the first time in their careers they have ever encountered anyone like me. No one in my family is an alcoholic, nor was I ever sexually abused as a child (both of which would be perfectly good explanations for my condition). I have been trying acupuncture, natural supplements, and exercise to help through natural means, but I am getting progressively worse and worse. Iím terrified of seemingly everything involving social interaction, and if Iím not terrified, then Iím probably in an uncontrollable rage. The few friends I have discussed this with feel that there is little-to-nothing mentally wrong with me, but that instead I am just incredibly immature and am acting like a spoiled brat because the world does not fit my core values. There may be some truth to that, but given the panic attacks I am experiencing, the chronic head pain that follows one of my raging fits, and my demeanour before any of this started, I have reason to believe there is much more to it than immaturity. I had a CAT scan done last week, and am waiting to see if the results show anything. Aside from that though, my family, doctors, and psychiatrist are all completely stumped.

I feel beyond frustrated, and am very demoralized at the lack of a diagnosis. Any advice on how to cope with this fear and anger, or insight as to what might be wrong with me would be very greatly appreciated.

I apologize again for the length of the post, and thank you for your time.
I wanted to reply as no one else did. I am a 38 yr old female and have "been there, done that" with regards to mental illness and anxiety issues in particular. You are aware that you are at an age where you have hormones going into overdrive and that when you are upset--you are really upset (anger, mainly), so do know it isn't abnormal to as a young male feel anger intensely. In addition, men are taught not to cry and so the only appropriate emotional response is anger. When you are alone sometime-try either having a good cry or beat the crap out of a pillow. Both sound insane, but they might just work.
I think you need to go to a counselor to work out your anxiety issues. There is a type of therapy called CBT which stands for cognitive behavioral therapy and it is what anxiety patients need most. Ask the counselor up front if they are trained in this type of therapy as not all are.

I think you probably only needs anxiety meds for the "in the moment" times when your heart is racing and breathing is abnormal. If you can only take them at that time, then Xanax is a good medicine and worked for me--but it can have an addictive effect so you shouldn't take this medication daily. Your dr. might offer a different med-but make sure it is for anxiety and not depression as it doesn't sound like you are depressed but dealing with anxiety issues that are causing you stress.

I hope this has been helpful... Just fyi I have dealt with crippling anxiety since I was your age and only got better when I was diagnosed with asthma and went on inhaler medication to open pathways in my lungs. (turns out I was having a hard time breathing which caused me to "freak out" I never weezed and had no obvious signs of asthma, just had a harder and harder time "breathing"--meaning was out of breathe easily)

Julie

A large portion of my discussion was edited, please see reasoning below.





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